I get home from the city and I get called into WW bedroom. She asked me if I was on drugs or have been drinking. I said no. She starts asking me why I have been so short and curt. I respond to her saying that I am answering her questions she asks. She kept saying that I was being rude and an a$$hole. I listened and somewhat validated. Then the conversation goes into us paying off our debt so that when (if?) we D, the judge won't make me pay more alimony. I told her that it's not too much of a concern of mine. I repeatedly tell her that I intend on wrapping this up and I am keeping the house. We talked a little more logistics.
We continue our conversation on why I have "put up a wall around me" and that she has to yell over the walls to get to me. I again tell her I communicate anything when it comes to our D4 or house. I then begin to allude about her R to OM and I lead the conversation to what I say next:
I tell her that I see that she has moved on. She said "well, I can't say that I moved on". She said that a few times. I am thinking that she is still trying to get me as a romantic partner or something else. Whatever. As ovr said:
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Don't try mind reading why she's doing that or what her exact thoughts are.
She then continues to talk about the events that lead to our sitch and not only I validated, I told her that I recognized the immense amount of damage I did leading up to BD and that I am working on learning my lessons so that I do not make the same mistakes again. She told me how our MR died last summer and I told that I know. I again told her that I recognized my role in this. I told her that I have forgiven myself. She kind of got upset and asked me how I can forgive myself and not W. I knew this may have been a trap question because I was going to go into our "agreement" of our TS and how I practically begged her not to make the decision to date others. I kept my mouth shut.
We finally begin to wrap it up about our potential plans for our D. Asset allocation and whatnot. I agreed. I told her that I am keeping my options open and basically agreed to her tentative plan. I validated the plan and (this may have been temp checking) I said that "short of a miracle" (R), this is what is going to happen. She said "not going to happen". I said "If the miracle happens". She again said "not going to happen". Looking back, I was involuntarily temp checking and recognized that I was unknowingly starting R talk. Whoops.
She kept talking about D and I finally had enough. I said "I don't want to talk about this anymore." and I left to go to the gym.
I am typing this not with an empty heart and one that has been broken again. It is one that is starting to embrace the probability of D. I know the process itself will be another kind of pain, but I know that it cannot be any worse than what this is.
I end this with the quote that was given to me when I first joined:
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Believe NOTHING they say
Bring on 2019.
Edit: I'm sure I'm missing a few more details. I will add to this thread as I recall more of the conversation.
I’m am majorly depressed. My photo shoot was canceled because no one could agree on a time. My original GAL fell through because I got tired of waiting in traffic, so I just drove to a movie theater and watched a movie.
This reminded me of a book I read years ago. Sometimes we attached ourselves to our plans too much. If our plans fail, it doesn't mean we are a failure, too. You did exactly what you needed to do...….which was pulling out your backup plan! Good for you!
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Temp checks from WW last night asking why I’m distant, curt, etc. I told her I’m fine and wished her good night.
She is baiting you. She wants to pull you into a R talk. You handled it fine.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I forgot to add about an event that occurred Saturday morning. I had GAL plans that morning and I had WW's mom over to look after D4 while I was out. About a half hour before I was scheduled to leave, I asked D4 to go in and wake grandma up so that I can go. SHe went in and...nothing. Ok. So I continued to wait. I also got a text informing me that the shoot may be cancelled due to RL issues of the friends. It bummed me out but I was not in as much of a rush. About an hour later I ask D4 again to wake up Grandma. Nothing. As a matter of fact, D4 closes her bedroom door. At this point, I recognize that D4 has not really eaten and it was mid-morning. I started to get angry and think about D4's well-being if grandma stayed asleep until well into the afternoon. I texted WW and told her to call me. I was angry. No response. I then went in to grandma's bedroom and kindly asked her to wake up as it was almost noon. She was up and about and they proceeded to go about their day. WW called me and I was really upset at the sitch and proceeded to belch my anger to WW and how I am concerned for D4's well-being when grandma isn't even awake to check on D4. She got defensive immediately and asked why I was blaming her. I fell back into my old habit of saying that if my parents pulled the same crap WW would raise hell herself and would probably put a restraining order. I did not get to complete that sentence as she immediately cut me off. I backed off and got the subject at hand, but I was still angry. She continued to get defensive. I told her numerous times that I was not blaming her or anything of the like. I told her that she was making assumptions about where my anger was and I was pretty certain that I told WW that it was not directly her fault. WW felt I was making the implication. My anger gradually subsided but I still expressed my concern. She offered to drive back to the house to pick up D4 herself. I said that was not necessary. My intent was just to simply make her aware that this is happening.
We finally ended the conversation civilly and did not talk until she got a hold of me later that night.
She brought the conversation again during our long (baited) talk and told me that it had some abusive markers. And that how she needs to be the person I need to vent to. I told her I understand what she is saying, and I told her that Which...looking back I may see that. Old habits are hard to stop, but I am working on that. I did not need to tell her because I think she knew I was working on that.
Called my mom. She asked me if I still have a place in my heart for her. I said "yes". She then told me to not give up hope. Which is very hard to do right now. Mostly because I am just so tired and I am wasting so much energy into something I cannot control.
I wish you wouldn't have had that convo. It only hurt you. You pressured her. When you said this is the plan, unless there is a miracle, she shut it down hard. What did you expect her to say? When she said you were rude and being a jerk, you should have validated and shut that down.
You are harboring some anger that you need to let go of. My dad has been divorced a million times and he stills to this day resents every woman that divorced him. Don't live with all that anger.
What is the debt she wants to pay down to supposedly help you pay less alimony? Do you really think she wants to help you? Why would you have to pay alimony anyways, did your lawyer say you would?
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I fell back into my old habit of saying that if my parents pulled the same crap WW would raise hell herself and would probably put a restraining order.
This usually doesn't work, even in a healthy R. You guys probably have an unhealthy fighting dynamic, and you need to look at your part of that and how to change it.
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I told her that she was making assumptions about where my anger was and I was pretty certain that I told WW that it was not directly her fault.
She knows you're mad about her being a WW. She knows you still want her. She knows she is still in control. Your lie about your anger shows her that you are trying to control things, why else lie?
Pain, just keep detaching, limit conversations for your own good. Don't talk to your W any more than necessary.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
