Sandi - perfect thank you. I understand that completely and the respect and attraction relationship is huge. At least for a healthy attraction / relationship. I have not been responding and communicating only about D4. I can sense her interest increasing but interest is not enough. I’m not settling for any more crumbs she can be all in and work on herself to deserve to be my wife or I will go on to a better life with or without her. I am slowly detaching. The compulsion is still there but I’m asking here instead of responding. Also as I do this things are building in my life. I will not allow her or any woman hold me back from reaching my potential.
Hallelujah!!!
Just remember to let go of any anger you have towards her too so that you can be happy today, tomorrow, and the next day.
She mentioned "not wanting to pester you" so that you could respond saying "Oh W it's OK I love you and will always be here for you b/c you are special to me. You can't possibly pester me!". And then she knows she has you on the hook again and you are back to square one.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Made D4 exchange at shopping center halfway between our homes after I got off work. Wanted to hug but held back. Damn she’s gorgeous. She either straightened her hair for me or she has plans. Either way it’s outside my control and in focusing on me and my life. No expectations. Should I try to keep hope or let that go too. Man wish things were different but I’ll keep putting my best foot forward.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst! And you're right, some things are out of our control.
She's probably getting all dolled up just to get you back on the hook. She is struggling man, wondering why you aren't right where she wants you. Let her live with those feelings and wonder why she cares so much about you.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Ovr thanks for checking in. From my phone sorry for typos. I’m ok doing a good GAL activity today going into the city to go to a pro lacrosse game with some guys.
What to do... W says she has been holding back a lot and really been missing me. Asked me to talk which we did.
She said she is just not as emotionally available as I am. And she is in a place where she feels she needs to be selfish because her whole life including our marriage she gave and never took. I held back the anger of paying for her life while she is being selfish. Tried to validate when I could. I think this is fine to an extent but unhealthy if too much. Moderation...
She also mentioned something 15 months ago I looked at her phone and saw setting intense stuff full frontal to om1. When seeing this I called her mom and told her what she was doing. I was definitely very hurt and angry but my intention was to get her help. I was reading these really sexual messages to her mom. And this guy was a piece of sht. Anyway I told w that our truths can be different and a healthy way of disagreeing and arguing is to respect each other’s opinions not try to change them. I validated it was definitely wrong of me and I understand your perception that you believe I just wanted to shame or hurt you. My perception is different but that doesn’t make you wrong. That’s your truth and I’m sorry.
Boundaries - Told her the inconsistency is unhealthy and I refuse to have toxic relationships in my life. I refuse to let anyone stop me from reaching my potential. And I do not want to hear about other men. I did apologize for repeating old patterns and being too focused on her when we were dating a few weeks ago. And I said it would not happen again. We talked about the love and relationship we had being unhealthy even though it feels good to be so close with someone to be healthy you need to have boundaries And your own separate lives and the relationship being a separate thing altogether.
Overall the conversation went well I’m sure I made a bunch of mistakes. Like even having the conversation in the first place. But she did reach out. She did seem to respect my opinions and said the difference is that I have read and done therapy and my opinions aren’t just me trying to control. I told her my opinions are usually based on instincts which are many times correct and serve us well but not in our relationship it seems. I told her I do not want to control her.
All this being said I don’t see any change. So I will still be DBing. She knew I had a timetable from therapists recommendation and she asked if I would tell her the timetable. I said February which was true. I don’t know if she will just have a bunch of sex and date before then or have a goal of getting her [censored] together by then.
I told her the wording she uses like I don’t want to be traumatized but I am puts her in a victim role and I think the support is enabling her to stay in that role. I mentioned wording and thoughts and intention being very important in my opinion.
She is taking her test in a few days to start working as a soil scientist. So I’m just going to do my thing and try not to think about her. Easier said than done the u healthy fixer mindset is strong. And I’m going to be battling that.
Thanks for the conversation and support.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Overall the conversation went well I’m sure I made a bunch of mistakes. Like even having the conversation in the first place. But she did reach out.
Did, what part of only talking about D4 logistics did you not get? Stop engaging in these talks. She just gets her hooks back into you.
Enjoy the GAL!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Only talk if she wants to commit to a R or when would you recommend I be open to talking?
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Did, very disappointing. Please read the validation thread again. That should have been your answers to her. And then after a couple of minutes you should have said: "Is there anything else related to D4 I need to know? Cause I have to run."
Short. Brief. To the point and business at hand. Validate when necessary. No need to rehash 15 months ago with her. No need to restate things you've already iterated to her many times. Yes the conversation was a mistake.
Remember, direct logistics related to D4. Validate if she starts talking about her feelings. End the conversation as quickly as possible.
As Davide said....she uses these conversations to make sure you are still attached. DETACH like a madman.
Oh, and good job on the GAL. More of that! Be super busy every second you don't have D4.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
W texted me about our dog being sick and sent me two audio clips from D4. Damn I want to respond. But NC so far. Meanwhile I’m in the city going for a walk in the park and May go to my favorite restaurant and sit at the bar solo. Man I wish W would get her sht together and be with me. Nothing I can do. She’s inconsistent and it [censored]. Obviously she’s thinking about me.
Maybe I’ll send a audio clip to D4 just say something nice to her.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
