So the 6+ week reprieve of communication from W’s cockroach (attorney) reared it’s head today. Rather than the atomic bombs she has tried to drop on me, it had to do with a proposal of how S will divide time over Xmas so the tamest in months.
After being able to work out a schedule for Thanksgiving together with W, I had hopes we could do the same for Xmas. In her proposal, she wants to have S every Christmas Eve day and then bring him to me by 9:00a.m on Christmas Day...cake eating to Nth degree imo. So she would have him for every Xmas eve church service, doing the traditional Santa cookies and milk routine, and S could wake up early Christmas morning and open presents from Santa. Then I would have him Christmas Day where all the excitement is done. I simply replied to my attorney that I refused to have a formal agreement in place for Xmas, and W would need to come to me and handle out of the jurisdiction of the courts, so no formal agreements will be in place.
It’s clear to me W took Thanksgiving and missing being a part of my birthday harder than she let in. It’s very clear W attorney is trying to save face after her initial guidance blew up in smoke. The next few weeks I expect further garbage to be slung my way....but I will handle like Neo maneuvering thru the Matrix. I won’t run away from the bullets, as I won’t have to as I can now dodge them as they come at me.
I’m in such a positive place right now. I feel as if all of the work I did on myself both physically and mentally has cured me from the case of the yips I had over last 3 years. EZ definitely has gotten my fastball back!
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
So my friendship with this women continues to strengthen that I met from church. Whats crazy is there are some outlandish parallels similar to WAW. They both went to same private high school...2 classes between each other. Her mother worked as a nurse at the same hospital W mother worked at...for 30 years. There are other things that make her very appealing to me...we have the same child custody schedule...we both have a child the same age, share similar political views, into music, and on and on. I believe god works thru people and brings those into your lives at the perfect time. And this was never intentional...I live in a major metro with 3 million people. I have made my intentions clear that I’m not at a point to start a relationship...I’m getting ahead of myself.....I can’t pretend to not acknowledge the similarities and envisioning a scenario that this could be the start of what my next chapter could look like. I do know that I’ve started my journey and now only have brief moments of faint curiosity of what’s going on with W....then they regress. My mind definitely is devoid of W when I’m talking with this women. Slow and steady...
GAL activities include 6 mile run, gym, coffee with women, clean house.
Last edited by EZdozit; 12/01/1806:08 PM.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
W has been texting me throughout day trying to direct me to have Santa’s elf on a shelf out prior to picking S up. I don’t respond. W then tells me exact location where it is located. I don’t respond. 4 hours go by and she texts again asking if I got her previous texts and if Elf is in fact out. I just reply thanks and yes.
She reply’s saying thank you for doing that....
This is what’s it has come to with her semblance of control over me...Putting out the Elf on a Shelf. I can only chuckle about it and go about my day.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
Not a lot new with my sitch. Been maintaining my DB’ing and excelling at the life I have created for myself. My confidence and approach to life has definitely had a noticeable impact in how I interact with anyone I interact with. I have had this carefree attitude and sense of peace and tranquillity for the last 3 or so weeks and several people have made comments about how happy I now seem. Been consistent in running 25 miles a week, eating healthy, dressing nice. Grew my hair out for first time in 15 years and I love my look.
This week I ran into some close friends of in-laws at grocery store and they literally had pause and said “holly $hit” upon recognizing me and how good they thought I looked. They said I looked literally about half of what I did last time they saw me at MIL funeral. I just said thanks for the compliments and said I had worked to drop a lot lot of baggage over the last nine months..and went about my way. (It felt really good...not going to lie)
I have also come to the realization that I put that women I met on a pedestal fairly quick as she was everything my WAW was not. I’m glad I was able to recognize this early...and I have pulled way back from getting any closer to her. I tend to believe this is a feeling that WAS feels when they Initially get into an EA/PA. I realize I need further heal myself....otherwise I could hurt someone and I refuse to do that...
W has somewhat reverted back to her cold demeanor...but continue to get glimpses of the kindness in our brief interactions. I don’t put any thought into it...she has her journey to go on at her pace.
Have S this weekend and his birthday will be on Monday. Plan a party on Sunday and have a couple of his friends parties as well. Also plan to go look at area Xmas light displays around town..so fun and active weekend planned.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
Had S this past weekend and it was great. Friday we went to an area park that has an incredible lights display and walked around then went to a Mexican restaurant. Saturday got house prepared for S birthday party and we went to an arboritem where they had a gnome village and other light displays. S had a blast. On Sunday we went to S best friend birthday party at a Sealife exhibit...followed by rushing back to the house in time for my family and several of S cousins and extended cousins to come over. Baked 3 NY style pizzas and had an ice cream cake. S got an arsenal of nerf guns for his birthday and my house became a war zone after the kids got to playing. It was the happiest I’ve seen S since BD occurred...and said it was his best birthday ever. (I was so happy to see him happy again)
Capped off S special weekend by taking him to a birthday breakfast early Monday before school. We each had chocolate pancakes. S asked if he could stay with me instead over going to W house...I just said that wasn’t possible and I bet W had special plans for his birthday and said I would see him at his Xmas recital the following day.
Teusday evening S had his school Xmas recital. I took my mom and we arrived 30 minutes early to get good seats. We got front row seats as gymnasium filled up fast. My mom asked if we should save a space for W..I said no. W and FIL showed up rather late and to sit in bleachers. Show was cute and S came up to me and my mom after show first and gave us each a giant kiss. He was so excited to see us and hardly made an effort to find W. As we exited I had a brief interaction with W and FIL...just nodded and said hello. W and FIL hadn’t seen my mom in 9 months and acted as fake as if they had an interest in her. (She had her knee replaced 3 weeks ago and she was a bit perturbed w hadn’t reached out once to see how she was doing). My mom was disgusted...I just said to not be mindful to any of it...true colors have shown up.
Yesterday I get an email from W regarding a birthday party she is planning for S at an inside event place for kids detailing expenses that she wants me to pay for, etc. I had told her several weeks ago I wouldn’t be doing parties together...she apparently didn’t get the message. She selfishly planned this during her weekend and didn’t give me any details until now. I have already made plans and won’t break them. I have informed S and he is okay with me not going. I guess I’ll let w realize that when I don’t show up....and won’t be paying for. I know this may seem hardline to some...but I’m fully separating church and state with regards to birthdays and holidays. W is also continuing to try to manipulate our holiday schedule to where she gets S during the key moments of Christmas. She hasn’t been reasonable so I’m just keeping to our normal schedule..as she wants to split S time up in various 9 and 12 hour shifts...nonsense. I won’t do that to my S. She can stick it for all I care.
Keeping s home today froms school as he yakked after 3 other students did. Don’t know if it was just a chain reaction but he’s puny enough to keep him rested. W tried to claim s was faking it and demand he go to school...I just said it’s my call and judgement to make while I have him, and left it at that. This communication was via text...but I can sense her “huffing” in her reply’s with not getting her way...once again she can stick it.
Today GAL activity is run on my treadmill in basement while son rests...then if he’s feeling ok do a ginger bread house.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
I’m keeping this stance in large part due to recommendations from my IC, divorcecare group, and plain confusion it has caused S when we have done things as a family.
I can’t say I’ll maintain this for the long term, but I place my s emotional stability at the forefront.
Given this time of year, his age, and the crap year he’s had. Heck, even in his letter to Santa s asked for his family to get back together at the top of his wishes....he’s finally adjusting to his new reality, but believe this is my best approach going forward until it’s not so raw for him.
Last edited by EZdozit; 12/13/1804:31 PM.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
Yesterday I get an email from W regarding a birthday party she is planning for S at an inside event place for kids detailing expenses that she wants me to pay for, etc. I had told her several weeks ago I wouldn’t be doing parties together...she apparently didn’t get the message. She selfishly planned this during her weekend and didn’t give me any details until now. I have already made plans and won’t break them. I have informed S and he is okay with me not going. I guess I’ll let w realize that when I don’t show up....and won’t be paying for.
I am a big proponent of peaceful co-parenting. I understand that some WAS's can be impossible to deal with, but I think sometimes LBS's are just looking for excuses to "teach them a lesson" and end up making things worse than they need to be. I think when one parent decides to take a hardline approach, then the other will follow suit. And that can create a lot of animosity. Early on when my ex would try to make parenting changes my initial thought was to tell her no, not because it was an inconvenience but because I thought I would be teaching her a lesson. But I knew I was just being vindictive and so I went along with it. Well karma happens and I found myself asking my ex for more favors than she was asking me for, usually due to unexpected work trips. And I am so thankful I didn't take that hardline approach because in the end I would have been screwing myself!
I also believe in continuing to have shared parties for the kids' birthdays. Regardless of the status of the M, I feel it's important to come together as a show of support for your kids. My ex and I still do that (just us, we don't bring OP's), we just had dinner with S15 (now 16!!) last night for his bday. Michele says in one of her books something like "when kids are involved, there's no such thing as divorce." You are linked together for life through your kids, you should strive to make that as stress-free for your kids as possible. I realize it's not always possible because some sitches are REALLY bad, I'm just saying it's something to strive for.
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W is also continuing to try to manipulate our holiday schedule to where she gets S during the key moments of Christmas. She hasn’t been reasonable so I’m just keeping to our normal schedule..as she wants to split S time up in various 9 and 12 hour shifts...nonsense. I won’t do that to my S. She can stick it for all I care.
I just hear a lot of anger in the way you're presenting this and it makes me wonder if you are so mad at her that you don't want to accommodate anything she says, or if it really is an issue. My attitude is the typical divorce split of one parent has the kids on holidays X and Y and the other on A and B and then the next year it flips is not the best setup for the kids or the parents. I mean who doesn't want to see their kids on Christmas? My ex and I usually negotiate it so that we both get some time with the kids on EVERY holiday. Sure it takes some finagling sometimes but we've made it work.
Just throwing that out there as food for thought. I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong, in this case you probably have a better sense of what is best in your particular sitch. I would just suggest that if there is some anger and resentment behind your decision you try to strip that out of it and ask yourself what is really best for the kids.
Appreciate the feedback..and yes my hope it to have peaceful coparenting. Heck with Thanksgiving we were able to split up the day and it worked out great...and that provided me a brief hope that we could do something similar with Christmas.
I do realize I need to be mindful that my intent is to not maintain this stance long term and keep my side of the street clean.
I have to be honest there is some anger there. W was pleasantly cordial over Thanksgiving...but her attorney has intervened and redirected her to maintain a hostile approach after her initial plan to make a full play at custody fell through and now w continues to follow her guidance blindly. I know it’s their job to try and muck up the waters to garner a reaction from me, and thus far I haven’t and won’t bite.
I do believe once a decree is done...the tension will alleviate, but unfortunately that doesn’t seem to be happening anytime in the near future.
Me - 38 W-37 S6 M 10 years T 13yrs BD 3/18 W moves out 4/18 W files 7/18
I am a big proponent of peaceful co-parenting. I understand that some WAS's can be impossible to deal with, but I think sometimes LBS's are just looking for excuses to "teach them a lesson" and end up making things worse than they need to be. I think when one parent decides to take a hardline approach, then the other will follow suit. And that can create a lot of animosity. Early on when my ex would try to make parenting changes my initial thought was to tell her no, not because it was an inconvenience but because I thought I would be teaching her a lesson. But I knew I was just being vindictive and so I went along with it. Well karma happens and I found myself asking my ex for more favors than she was asking me for, usually due to unexpected work trips. And I am so thankful I didn't take that hardline approach because in the end I would have been screwing myself!
I also believe in continuing to have shared parties for the kids' birthdays. Regardless of the status of the M, I feel it's important to come together as a show of support for your kids. My ex and I still do that (just us, we don't bring OP's), we just had dinner with S15 (now 16!!) last night for his bday. Michele says in one of her books something like "when kids are involved, there's no such thing as divorce." You are linked together for life through your kids, you should strive to make that as stress-free for your kids as possible. I realize it's not always possible because some sitches are REALLY bad, I'm just saying it's something to strive for.
^^^ sorry to hijack your thread EZ, but for AS this is where i get lost. As much as I would love D14 to spend time with WW, D14 vehemently refuses and i have to respect her feelings. Do i force her? Do i consequence her if she doesn’t want to? With regards to WW, her reply would just be, “ I know she can never forgive me, and i just have to live with that”. So WW will just wait for time until D14’s anger is resolved? is that how i see it?. Right in front of D14’s IC she firmly said, “I don’t want anything to do with my mother!” Really lost on this.
