Whirlwind of Hurt 6

[LH19]

TF,

You are being way to hard on yourself. It is hard to see things when you are so close and you think the woman you have known for 18 years is not capable of this behavior. If you are looking towards recon you are going to need infinite patience.

Detaching takes a really long time. It took me about a year and a half to detach but I was living with my ex. Since you separated quickly it may happen to you sooner.

I promise you this gets easier down the road. Unfortunately though I think it will get worse before it gets better for you.

[Ready2Change]

TF,

I had a choice of just assuming OM or finding proof. Either way, my response was the same. One way protected me emotionally. Would you want me to spy on your W and OM and send you videos you do not want to see and that you can't get out of your head?

You will continually get more confirmation as time goes on. I believe you are past the point where exposing the affair may have helped. During this time, detaching is key. Put your DBing skills on overdrive.

[Ready2Change]

On another note W told D8 that I might take her dog, but I wasn't sure and I was thinking about it. She told D8 that if I don't take the dog she doesn't know what's going to happen to him, might have to give him away. It was a cause of concern that's why D8 told me about it.

I am not sure what you actually told your W, but you told us that you did not want the dog. This is where everything should line up. That is why I recommend the words I did. Your response with daughter could have been:

Dad:"Daughter, I told mommy to consider your wishes before deciding what to do with the dog. Dogs are a big responsibility. I believe they are a life long decision.... "

[Twofeet]

R2C,

I sent W a text Friday that said verbatim I will think about it and let you know when I decide. When she dropped the kids off this weekend she asked me again this time face to face. I responded that I was still thinking about it and will let her know when I decide. She tried to pressure me and said she doesn't want the responsibility and wants to do something about her dog soon. I just said I will let you know.

When D8 talked about it last night I told her that yes its true that I told Mommy I would think about it and let her know. I asked D8 what she wants and she said she doesn't want to lose her dog and wants it to stay with Mommy. D8 said she wants Mommy to send it to obedience school (dog is barely 1 year old), but W told D8 she doesn't have time for the dog anymore. I validated D8 feelings about it, but left it at that. I will wait till after D8 bday before I give an answer to anyone.

I promise you this gets easier down the road. Unfortunately though I think it will get worse before it gets better for you.

LH19,
Should be getting easier, but it sure seems like its getting worse or there are worse things just on the horizon.

[Ready2Change]

D8 said she wants Mommy to send it to obedience school (dog is barely 1 year old), but W told D8 she doesn't have time for the dog anymore.

I believe dogs are part of the family for life, but I understand others don't.

So if you do take the Dog it would be for D8 desires more than your own. Maybe D8 does the obedience school with Dog. Does all the dog chores during her time with you etc...

I have two dogs. Yes I wanted the first and everybody "Daddy please" the second dog. I negotiated more work from the children with both dogs. The kids feed the dogs, pick up the "presents" left in the yard. Give them baths.

[LH19]

Should be getting easier, but it sure seems like its getting worse or there are worse things just on the horizon.

You have the actual D proceeding and then when your W goes public about dating the OM and of course it wasn't until you were actually divorced. Once that sets in then detachment should come a lot easier.

[AnotherStander]

R2C,

I sent W a text Friday that said verbatim I will think about it and let you know when I decide. When she dropped the kids off this weekend she asked me again this time face to face. I responded that I was still thinking about it and will let her know when I decide. She tried to pressure me and said she doesn't want the responsibility and wants to do something about her dog soon. I just said I will let you know.

When D8 talked about it last night I told her that yes its true that I told Mommy I would think about it and let her know. I asked D8 what she wants and she said she doesn't want to lose her dog and wants it to stay with Mommy. D8 said she wants Mommy to send it to obedience school (dog is barely 1 year old), but W told D8 she doesn't have time for the dog anymore. I validated D8 feelings about it, but left it at that. I will wait till after D8 bday before I give an answer to anyone.

TF, you don't want the dog, right? Why did you tell W you'd think about it? Why is this your problem just because she "doesn't want the responsibility?" Sounds like HER problem to me. Put it back on her, tell her "no" and leave it at that (don't offer lengthy NGS explanations). You'll have to deal with some fallout from D8 since you told her you were thinking about it, but better that then 15+ years of living with a dog you don't want and probably won't love (and may resent since it's your W's).

[Ready2Change]

Put it back on her, tell her "no" and leave it at that

If you decide you do not want the dog, tell her:

"W, I do not want the dog. Please consider the kids wishes before you make a decision."


W will still be selfish, but you can still be a parent and advocate for what your children want. She how I carefully worded the statement above. It is not controlling. It is not trying to guilt her. Indirectly stating that you will be hurting our children buy getting rid of the dog.

[Twofeet]

AS & R2C,

I never wanted the dog. I merely told her I would think about it to buy some time to maybe slow her down, and think about it since she is prone to leap before looking. I had planned on using R2C prompt "W, I do not want the dog. Please consider the kids wishes before you make a decision." I just want to wait until after D8 bday. I don't want to deal with the blow back and damage control for D8 if W goes all WW on the dog sitch.

[Twofeet]

So in my own LBS fog and paranoia I stated D8 was 8 and some how that would hide my identify. Anyway D8 had her bday and now she is D8. So I got the kids dressed up really nice, and I myself got dressed up. I got a fresh haircut that morning, bought some new jeans, and wore a nice chambray button down with my wool jacket. I looked like your classic rugged American man. I figure apart of my self improvement and self care should entitle me to make more of an effort. Look great to go with feeling great. Anyway my folks and sis and W folks know each are going to be attending dinner at the restaurant. Everyone knows they are all going to be in attendance, and they all know W doesn't know. Reason being D8 has asked for all the family (except W sis and cousins who will be attending the kid party this weekend) and W doesn't want the grandparents to get together. They dont know that W feels like they scheme against her and this feeling occurred during the MR and has gotten worse since BD (bit of a red flag). So W shows up in yoga pants and a zip up hoody and looks tired and worn out. She is little underdressed for such a nice restuarant, and I feel bad for her. She is sitting next to me with D8 between us and she looks VERY unhappy. W has a convo with her parents about getting rid of her dog and they tell her it's not just her dog its D8 dog and it should be up to D8 what W does. This clearly pisses off W. My mom and MIL sit next to each other and have such a good time chatting it up. MIL, FIL, and my mom pass around there phones showing pics of D8 as a baby and sharing memories. My Dad tells a few stories, but doesn't have any pics. Wife gets up and says she has to use the restroom and pulls her phone out of her purse and disappears for 15 min. W hates using public restrooms so if I had to bet money I would bet she called her sister to b!tch. She comes back and sits at the edge of the table. By the end of dinner she was at the very edge of the table barely talking almost on her own island. Occasionally she talks to her Dad. Most of the time she is sitting there like a stick in the mud and texting on her phone. Pretty much everyone just ignored her bad behavior. It was embarrassing. Check came and she said to the waitress she wanted to split out her and D5 dinner (D5 just ate off W plate not a separate order) I told the waitress it's one check. W tried to put up a fight I looked her directly in the eye and said very firmly in a sit down and shut up tone it's one check and I've got it. It stopped her dead in her tracks.

Afterwards, out in the parking lot MIL starts crying to my mom about how they dont want to lose my parents. My mom reassures her that the grandparents arent getting divorced. The grandparents make plans for a get together in January. W helps me buckle the kids up in my rig and walks off. I have to holler at her to get her to comeback and say goodbye. She says it to S3 and D5, walk off again. I have to holler at her again to get her to come back to say goodbye to D8. Mind you this whole time the kids are hollering at her to say goodbye and she is either ignoring them or lost in her own world. W also pulls out a check to pay her portion of D8 bday present. Once I was ready to go I drive around the parking lot and see W car and the in-laws car, but they aren't around. I text W to see if she has the tax documents that she said she was bringing to the dinner. I was supposed to drop them off at our cpa the following morning. On the way home W calls me, and I answer instead of going to voicemail. Bad habit I need to break. W is seething in anger and her voice is shaking. She says TF just leave me alone for the rest of the night. I say ok W, I just forgot to get the tax docs. She says I am not giving them to you. You and the cpa will just have to do without, so just leave me alone tonight, ok? I say I can respect that have a good night. W hangs up. Ofcourse the next morning she is texting me asking me questions about the cpa. My response was to call the cpa because he can explain it better than I can. She also likes to call and leave no voicemail or text. These type of calls get zero response.

Something clicked or a switch flipped in me on the night of D8 bday. My W behavior at D8 bday dinner was just appalling. I still love her, but how can I be so wrapped up and attached to someone who behaves this way, especially around family and on her own daughters bday. I kind of wished that went she stepped away during dinner, that she wouldn't come back. It didn't affect my night or my time spend with the kids or family. I just feel different about her. Some of my other feelings are floating in the periphery, but they are a lot quieter. Maybe this is kind of what detachment feels like. Shrug.