Good morning everyone, back for some more help, really not sure how to respond. This morning got a text from W at 7am “good morning, how are you feeling?” I said “I’m good” and she said “we need to meet up and talk about things to get everything straight. We need to talk about the divorce and other things, I don’t want to fight in court. I hope you understand.”
So, first off wtf? You ask me how I’m feeling then hit me with this? I haven’t responded and not sure what to say. Is she testing me to see if I pursue? What am I supposed to say here?
I like Steve's response, I'll just add that if she wants to talk then go ahead and talk. Don't keep blowing her off about it. It's fine to tell her you are busy but do give her a date and time that you're willing to meet. She may very well not follow through on it. As Steve said they can be hell-bent-for-leather one minute but happy to put in on the back burner the next. My ex had all the papers drawn up by a L and then just sat on them for a good 9+ months until I ended up being the one to push it through.
Good morning everyone, back for some more help, really not sure how to respond. This morning got a text from W at 7am “good morning, how are you feeling?” I said “I’m good” and she said “we need to meet up and talk about things to get everything straight. We need to talk about the divorce and other things, I don’t want to fight in court. I hope you understand.”
So, first off wtf? You ask me how I’m feeling then hit me with this? I haven’t responded and not sure what to say. Is she testing me to see if I pursue? What am I supposed to say here?
I like Steve's response, I'll just add that if she wants to talk then go ahead and talk. Don't keep blowing her off about it. It's fine to tell her you are busy but do give her a date and time that you're willing to meet. She may very well not follow through on it. As Steve said they can be hell-bent-for-leather one minute but happy to put in on the back burner the next. My ex had all the papers drawn up by a L and then just sat on them for a good 9+ months until I ended up being the one to push it through.
Judas Priest fan, eh?
Last edited by Steve85; 12/18/1805:40 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
AS, if she pushes the subject again then I will. Do you think she was testing waters? I feel as though she wanted to see if I’d beg and pursue (since the last time we talked I was).
AS, if she pushes the subject again then I will. Do you think she was testing waters? I feel as though she wanted to see if I’d beg and pursue (since the last time we talked I was).
Mind reading will get you no where. Take her at face value. She wants to discuss the D, with the goal of not fighting it out in court. Listen. Validate. Do nothing to help her with the D, but be ready with your own legal advice, and let her know that you are.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
AS, if she pushes the subject again then I will. Do you think she was testing waters? I feel as though she wanted to see if I’d beg and pursue (since the last time we talked I was).
Mind reading will get you no where. Take her at face value. She wants to discuss the D, with the goal of not fighting it out in court. Listen. Validate. Do nothing to help her with the D, but be ready with your own legal advice, and let her know that you are.
But what about believe nothing of what she says and only half of what she does?
Exactly...that's why you don't jump right on the discussion of the D...my WW did the same and said I have to check my schedule because of being busy at work and kids activities. She never followed up. She did the same with saying months ago that tonight would be her last night staying in our home....never followed through. I neither encouraged, begged or followed up to see why she stayed. Their minds are a mess in this state and if they truly wanted what they are asking for would press forward more aggressively. I found because I was GAL her requests for these discussions disappeared and she has been pursuing me months later.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
AS, if she pushes the subject again then I will. Do you think she was testing waters? I feel as though she wanted to see if I’d beg and pursue (since the last time we talked I was).
Mind reading will get you no where. Take her at face value. She wants to discuss the D, with the goal of not fighting it out in court. Listen. Validate. Do nothing to help her with the D, but be ready with your own legal advice, and let her know that you are.
But what about believe nothing of what she says and only half of what she does?
Yes that still goes. But the majority of that is when they start talking about positive things. "I want to discuss reconciliation." Be leery.......
In this case you should assume she wants to discuss the D. But yes, don't believe anything she says....so don't be surprised if the conversation ends up about something else entirely. And certainly do not try to mind read her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ok got it, thanks for clearing that up Lost and Steve. Last night I saw my SIL (to drop off some mail and my stepdaughters phone case). My SIL actually gave me some DB advice without her even knowing what DB is 😂.
She told me that for my W to realize what she is missing with me, she needs to see that she’s loosing me. Otherwise she will never value who I am. That I can’t go running every time W wants me to. I told her that is very true, but right now I have no interest in anything with W and that I am stepping away from the whole situation. And that isn’t a lie, I really don’t feel like seeing or talking to W at all right now. She told me that she understood and to take good care of myself and keep on with my plans and goals.
I don’t know if SIL repeats everything I say to W, I honestly don’t think that she does. But even if she does, it’s ok, it’s the truth. I know that it isn’t good to have these talks with her family but I kept it short and to the point and if W was standing there I would have told her the same thing.
Plan for now is to keep GAL, stay dark, NC, and detach. When she contacts me, keep it straight to the point and validate. I’d still appreciate any comments or advice, you guys are my backbone through this whole thing!!
Don't talk to her family about anything regarding the relationship or D. In my mind that is pursuit, and definitely not NC. You know that it is going to get back to her. If your SIL is supportive, simply thank her for her concern and let her know you don't feel comfortable talking about it with her. You don't need to alienate her at all, but she is NOT a person to confide in.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
AS, if she pushes the subject again then I will. Do you think she was testing waters? I feel as though she wanted to see if I’d beg and pursue (since the last time we talked I was).
I doubt it, she was probably serious. But WAS's change their minds every day, hour or even minute. That's why we say don't believe anything they say, not because they are lying but because their emotions are so mixed up that they barely settle on one thought before jumping to another. Anything she says is a reflection of what she's thinking and feeling at that particular moment and is subject to change without warning or notice.
Judas Priest fan, eh?