I also have to wonder if it’s healthy for me to be as physically detached to W as I am. Just viewing her as ‘meh.’
I’m sure the answer ultimately is ‘it’s what it is,’ but an attractive woman checks off all the boxes for me physically, emotionally and spiritually (as a Catholic who at least tries to faithfully live out the Church’s teachings and personal baptismal call).
So what is the alternative? You see there really are only two options. Either you are pressuring and pursuing, (and this board is riddled with LBSs that ended up D due to that tactic), or to back-off and detach. You can follow the path and try the former, but the percentage of success is much higher with the latter.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
W and I didn’t talk about her day. I didn’t ask, and she didn’t bring it up with me.
I’m not sure how I should feel about that. For me, it’s unusual not to ask about that, and I feel cold and uncaring not bringing it up—but I’m also sure that if it was / is that important to her, she would want to bring it up. Rather, it’s been me pouring my attention into the kids and our guests.
I also know that W is exhausted from today—from being up so early.
This may or may not help with detachment, and it may be nothing, but...I’ve been noticing the last couple of weeks a number of nights when W takes a shower she often takes a drink with her. Perhaps it helps her unwind, but it’s not something I recall seeing from her. A little bit ago when I was feeding our cat in the guest bathroom (where she showers), I saw a cider bottle in the trash. Not the only night where I’ve seen this, and I’m pretty sure she took a glass of wine in there last week. I guess for detaching I shouldn’t really care, but I kinda do....or maybe I’m reading a bit too much into this, and perhaps she just wants a drink where she can really be alone. Idk, man.
As a former alcoholic I can honestly say that this is a sign and symptom of alcoholism. Maybe one time would be anomaly, but this appears to be a trend. But yes, detach and give her the space she asked for. You shouldn't even be looking in the trash for "evidence".
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I do know that her dad has had problems with alcohol in the past.
This does seem like a trend—if I have a drink late at night, I would have it while grading (definitely need it then!), or I would have a drink while reading / relaxing in MBR. I would think that she would do similarly—have a drink while chilling in bed (even if I’m elsewhere grading or whatnot). I’m not exactly looking for evidence—it’s right there at the top of the trash can in my line of sight, and after I see it a few times, I’m starting to put it together.
I know you are correct w/r/t detachment, but it feels hard right now.
That means you need more growth and self discovery. What are you reading? Listening to? One of the best GAL activities is reading and listening to things that help you grow and learn.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So what is the alternative? You see there really are only two options. Either you are pressuring and pursuing, (and this board is riddled with LBSs that ended up D due to that tactic), or to back-off and detach. You can follow the path and try the former, but the percentage of success is much higher with the latter.
Steve,
You’re right. As unnatural as it feels to me, I can see that pressuring and pursuing got me to the current state of affairs.
Given things as they are, I’d rather try something with a higher percentage of success.
I realize that in the end I could still end up D’ed (in the short- or long-term), but what comes across from her body language, lack of sexual interest, and what she’s said in the past is effectively ‘leave me alone.’ I don’t want D (or even S), but I also realize that, after a certain point, it’s not totally up to me.
That means you need more growth and self discovery. What are you reading? Listening to? One of the best GAL activities is reading and listening to things that help you grow and learn.
The good news is that Semester Exam week / Christmas Break are upon me, so especially now the time is right for taking on some new books and things to listen to (only things I really need to do are record semester exam grades and start charting 2nd semester classes, but both of those are relatively easy).
Given the nature of my job, often times reading / listening are relatively mindless pursuits (I listen to sports radio podcasts, and I often read books about sports).
Generally, my reading falls into one of a number of categories (in no particular order): sports, history, religion / philosophy (though sometimes the latter category is a bit much for me during the school year).
I’ve seen numerous times here ‘Man’s Search for Meaning,’ and I gotta be honest, W gave that book to me a few years ago and I’ve never started it. Given the heavy subject material and the significance, I’m not sure if now is the best time to start that book.
GAL: 20 minutes on the stationary bike in the gym at work (5.2 miles, 228 calories); 30 push-ups, 20 sit-ups
FWIW, W was relatively chatty towards me today, though she asked OS what he wanted for dinner. W did a very good job making dinner—she offered to continue making dinner after I took over, and I burped / held YS; she tried a couple of new things, even though the meal itself was pretty basic by design. W also came by a bit ago and told me somethings about I think Monday being a federal holiday (?) and what to expect if we go into government shutdown. Tbh, I was half-asleep for most of what she said (fell asleep on the couch while doing a student evaluation).
If I didn’t know any better, I’d say W is detaching, too—she’s taking on some more of household duties, and is more into doing things for herself. Doesn’t really ask me about my day. But then again, shouldn’t really have any expectations about her towards me.
For me, not have done any ILYs or kisses or shows of physical affection towards her—the boys are the ones who still get those.
If I didn’t know any better, I’d say W is detaching, too—she’s taking on some more of household duties, and is more into doing things for herself. Doesn’t really ask me about my day. But then again, shouldn’t really have any expectations about her towards me.
Be careful with equating detachment with disengagement. It is NOT the same. WASs typical disengage, not detach. Read the detachment thread again. Loving detachment should NEVER look like disengagement.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Be careful with equating detachment with disengagement. It is NOT the same. WASs typical disengage, not detach. Read the detachment thread again. Loving detachment should NEVER look like disengagement.
Be careful with equating detachment with disengagement. It is NOT the same. WASs typical disengage, not detach. Read the detachment thread again. Loving detachment should NEVER look like disengagement.
Hmmmmm
Guess I should. For her, as much as for myself.
So you would say she is disengaging, then?
You;ll know better than I. Look at the detachment thread, and then see if her behavior matches. If not, disengaging.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
