I have played video games my whole life. It makes me happy but I think you are right. I need to stop for now to save my regain respect, potentially positively impacting my marriage. I need to do a 180 and to take back the MBR. I have an individual therapy session tomorrow evening and I will run this by my therapist but you have me convinced it is the right thing to do. I will let you know how it goes tomorrow evening.
You don't have to stop entirely. But cut way back. Let me ask you, you say you play with friends online. Are they married? The ones that are married, are they happily married or are there problems?
When I was studying after BD about my sitch I found sooooo many stories where wives were fed up because their H's were spending 80-100 hours a week playing video games! You say you did it your whole life, but did you do it while you were dating? While you were engaged? When you were a newlywed? Think about it from your W's perpective. I don't know how much time you are spending playing video games, only you know if it is excessive.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am really sorry you are here but you came to the right place. I don't like to blow sunshine up anyone's arse so I will give it you you straight.
Originally Posted by IU79
She has bought a whole new wardrobe because she has lost weight. She looks great. The clothes are more form fitting and include more sexy underwear that she wears only on the weekends when she is gone. She is secretive with her phone and we did decouple our phone lines so I cannot check anymore. She does spend more time in the bathroom and she no longer gets dressed in front of me, has not for a long time. She locks the bathroom door to shower/get changed.
Too many redflags, your W is having an affair and most likely a PA.
Originally Posted by IU79
We have not told our family or friends about our semi-separation. I believe that is because she is not fully sure she wants to go through divorce. Our children are young S6, D7 and we know it will affect them. I think she really wants space to know whether she is making the right decision.
It's nobody's business so keep it to yourself as long as you can. At this point she has pretty much made up her mind but that can change down the road.
Originally Posted by IU79
Maybe I am naďve.
Yes, but so are most people when they come here. It's hard to imagine someone you are married to would ever do this to you.
Originally Posted by IU79
You both mentioned taking back the bedroom. The reason I have agreed to sleep in the other room is that our kids may have noticed but they do not ask questions. My wife goes to bed earlier than me and is available for our kids when they wake up in the middle of the night.
Not a good enough excuse. Your children are young and you can think of things to tell thm why Mommys sleeping on the couch.
Originally Posted by IU79
They notice I'm not in bed but that was not unusual in the past because I often play video games late with friends from college.
Your'e too old to be playing video games often and I am guessing this is part of your martial problems.
Originally Posted by IU79
Does that change your opinion?
No. Take the MB back.
Originally Posted by IU79
Writing this post made me realize there is still such a long road ahead and we may not be able to shield our children much longer from what is going on.
This is going to take months, most likely years to unfold. You have to be strong when handling a W in an affair.
I’m sorry about your sitch. I’m in a different sitch, but I’ve been thinking about respect from the WAS / WWS.
To echo what Steve talked about, I’ve thought about two things from completely different ends of the intellectual spectrum:
I’m a religion and philosophy teacher, so first, is a quote from Book 1 of The Odyssey....at the beginning, Telemachus said ...”nevertheless I will be chief in my own house...”
Being ‘chief in [your] own house’ is crucial here....and while I haven’t had the S / D BD from my W (yet), I’ve often thought of what I would do and say to keep myself as chief of my own house if my W decides to (ever) pull the trigger.
OS (6 years old) is obsessed with the movie The Incredibles, and I’ve thought about the quote that Syndrome (primary villain) tells Mr. Incredible on Syndrome’s island:
“....now you respect me, because I’m a threat.”
The threat of a WAS / WWS obviously causes us to respect our spouses, but it shouldn’t cause us to revert to NGS. But the good news is that this ‘threat’ works in reverse.
A WAS / WWS needs to respect their spouse, too, in response to real or perceived threats. So, assertions of power like reclaiming a bedroom work. So does the whole GAL thing, or meeting other people (both of which I admittedly need to work on, so it’s not like I have all the answers or have flawless execution). The possibility of the LBS ‘moving on’ can be a powerful threat and inducement, and it could flip the power dynamic.
“Wait a minute....H is acting like he doesn’t need me or doesn’t want me?!?!?! Yeah I know I’m seeing OM, or I’ve told H I want out, but what’s this about?!?!?!??”
“Hey, H is going out more—where is he going, and who’s he meeting with?”
I try to stay away from this forum because I always get p*ssed when I read the various stories and it seems like everyone tiptoes around the obvious. Look, your wife is not a WAW. The probability that she's having and affair is roughly the same as the probability that the sun will come up tomorrow morning. She's with her affair partner on the weekends, and yet, she still gets her comfy bed and family life during the week. In other words, she gets to eat her cake and have it too. She's cake eating. She's living the dream. She has no incentive to change. If you're happy being in an open relationship, then you're good to go, otherwise you need to wake up and take action. You can start by getting the master bedroom back stop allowing her to dictate your life. The doormat has got to go, otherwise she'll never have any respect for you and you won't have any respect for yourself.
And, maybe doodler isn't DB, I don't really know, and maybe you shouldn't do what doodler would do, but...I'd tell her it's perfectly fine if she wants to go see her "girlfriend" for the weekend, but when she returns from her weekend getaway, she'd best be prepared to get her sh*t off the front lawn and go find a place to live. Locks changed, credit cards cancelled, and an appointment has been made with a lawyer.
First step...Directly ask my wife about having an affair or take back the master bedroom? Should I demand to see her phone to confirm the truth? This will play right into her "You will never trust me again" but as many of you have said I need to know what I am dealing with to know how to proceed.
Also, which book do I read first? Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy?
I’m sorry about your sitch. I’m in a different sitch, but I’ve been thinking about respect from the WAS / WWS.
To echo what Steve talked about, I’ve thought about two things from completely different ends of the intellectual spectrum:
I’m a religion and philosophy teacher, so first, is a quote from Book 1 of The Odyssey....at the beginning, Telemachus said ...”nevertheless I will be chief in my own house...”
Being ‘chief in [your] own house’ is crucial here....and while I haven’t had the S / D BD from my W (yet), I’ve often thought of what I would do and say to keep myself as chief of my own house if my W decides to (ever) pull the trigger.
OS (6 years old) is obsessed with the movie The Incredibles, and I’ve thought about the quote that Syndrome (primary villain) tells Mr. Incredible on Syndrome’s island:
“....now you respect me, because I’m a threat.”
The threat of a WAS / WWS obviously causes us to respect our spouses, but it shouldn’t cause us to revert to NGS. But the good news is that this ‘threat’ works in reverse.
A WAS / WWS needs to respect their spouse, too, in response to real or perceived threats. So, assertions of power like reclaiming a bedroom work. So does the whole GAL thing, or meeting other people (both of which I admittedly need to work on, so it’s not like I have all the answers or have flawless execution). The possibility of the LBS ‘moving on’ can be a powerful threat and inducement, and it could flip the power dynamic.
“Wait a minute....H is acting like he doesn’t need me or doesn’t want me?!?!?! Yeah I know I’m seeing OM, or I’ve told H I want out, but what’s this about?!?!?!??”
“Hey, H is going out more—where is he going, and who’s he meeting with?”
“Who’s blowing up H’s phone?”
And the like.
I am still early in my stitch. I just recently told my WW i am done. I told her I'm done recently. I told her to go file for D, buy me out of the house etc. I need to get away from her. I truly do. I cannot heal being around her. I will never feel the same about her or look at her the same again. She lost me.
I'm not hoping she wants me back anymore. Yes it hurts but oh well.
That being said my WW has been acting different ever since she heard me say that. She feels less pressure but yesterday she was way sad. She came I to MBR this morning without knocking, I was sleeping on her side of the bed because I sleep where I choose on the king bed now. She asked why. I'm like "uh I want to" lol. Guess that's a small 180. I stayed home today. The closer it gets to Christmas the worse it gets.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I’m sorry about your sitch. I’m in a different sitch, but I’ve been thinking about respect from the WAS / WWS.
To echo what Steve talked about, I’ve thought about two things from completely different ends of the intellectual spectrum:
I’m a religion and philosophy teacher, so first, is a quote from Book 1 of The Odyssey....at the beginning, Telemachus said ...”nevertheless I will be chief in my own house...”
Being ‘chief in [your] own house’ is crucial here....and while I haven’t had the S / D BD from my W (yet), I’ve often thought of what I would do and say to keep myself as chief of my own house if my W decides to (ever) pull the trigger.
OS (6 years old) is obsessed with the movie The Incredibles, and I’ve thought about the quote that Syndrome (primary villain) tells Mr. Incredible on Syndrome’s island:
“....now you respect me, because I’m a threat.”
The threat of a WAS / WWS obviously causes us to respect our spouses, but it shouldn’t cause us to revert to NGS. But the good news is that this ‘threat’ works in reverse.
A WAS / WWS needs to respect their spouse, too, in response to real or perceived threats. So, assertions of power like reclaiming a bedroom work. So does the whole GAL thing, or meeting other people (both of which I admittedly need to work on, so it’s not like I have all the answers or have flawless execution). The possibility of the LBS ‘moving on’ can be a powerful threat and inducement, and it could flip the power dynamic.
“Wait a minute....H is acting like he doesn’t need me or doesn’t want me?!?!?! Yeah I know I’m seeing OM, or I’ve told H I want out, but what’s this about?!?!?!??”
“Hey, H is going out more—where is he going, and who’s he meeting with?”
“Who’s blowing up H’s phone?”
And the like.
Bo this is an outstanding post!! Well said.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
