Good Day, I have been reading this forum for a week or so now, I finally decided to jump on here to keep learning from the members here and make progress towards being a more confident man for me and the kids. I have read a lot of your stories and situations. I definitely have plenty to work on in myself, I have spent a lot of time in reflection and self study to this point in time. There are a lot of good lists, write ups, how to, and advice here, I am working to implement it in my life already.
Here is my sitch. We have been together for 15 years, M for 12. Two kids, S11, D8. I am active duty military, have been for over 20 years. We have certainly been through our ups and downs, but I would say that our marriage is satisfying and we have been well blessed. This year has been particularly tough, as I am on a year long assignment away from home, this is the longest I have ever been gone. We both decided to do this last tour, and for W and kids to stay at our home instead of coming with me, which was an option. We decided it was best for the kids to have stability, stay in the same school, keep the same friends. We would have moved down here for a year, and then moved back to where they are now, and finished this tour at that location. That kind of disruption is really tough on kids, and W had friends and didn't want to move either. I have about 4 weeks until I am headed back to where they live.
We set up email accounts for the kids, monitored by W, so they could write me and I them in order to keep in touch. They aren't much for emailing, and the etiquette of email is not there. That is ok, it was fun and even one liners were nice to get and send to them. I am able to communicate with kids and W on a daily basis via email, really grateful for that. It is so important to try and stay involved at home and keep up with the day to day lives of everyone. You are already kind of a stranger coming home after a long time away, and email helps to ease that transitiona bit.
W and I emailed at least once per day for the past 11 months, usually multiple times per day. Sometimes short, sometimes long, sometimes about business, kids, life; others were flirty, sexy, and some even sexual fantasy. I am able to call some days, and some not, due to schedule and availability of service due to location. We talked via phone probably 90% of the days when it was an option. Sometimes phonecall, sometimes FaceTime, which the kids would stop by for a minute, tell me about their days, and make silly faces to me. It is tough, but this makes it more manageable. We were both looking forward to January when I return and life gets so much more normal for our family and MR. I have been able to visit about 6 times during the year, sometimes for only a weekend, a couple for 10 days or so. They came to visit me in September for a bit, kids skipped school for a couple days, and we did fun family things like amusement parks and stuff. She was a bit distant, but it always is that way when we haven't been regularly together. I was upset with the amount of time she had been spending on her phone, I told her that it would be nice to pay a little more attention to us and less to the phone; not well received. Constantly texting, but didn't want me to know who or what the topic was. I pressed, she told me who, but not the topic. Friends that I knew about, but don't really know well, they are new to her life since I left. I had always had a bit of unease about the new friends, they were very different than all of our other friends, but I tried to be supportive and was glad she had someone there for her to be with while I was gone. I backed off on the phone issue, and she agreed to try and spend a little less time on the phone. She was distant in bed to, always as far away as possible in a king bed, usually she is very snuggly; she didn't really want to talk much about why. I got worried and started the worry train, which just makes me cling, I didn't understand what was happening. I didn't sleep much during the trip.
In October things shifted dramatically. I was gone and had no ability to write or call for about a month, other than a sporadic email here or there that may or may not make it home or be lost in cyberspace forever. I let them all know this, and I did write a few that made it home, and got a few from home. However the tone of the emails were very different, I picked up on it right away. Very business like, to the point, mostly about the kids or an appliance issue; there was no terms of endearment, no greeting, and it felt very uncaring and forced. I chocked it up to stress, and once I got back from that operation, called home and let's just say it was uncomfortable talking, not our normal banter, jokes, and love. After about 90 mins of forced conversation, I said goodnight, love you, and we will talk tomorrow. I was concerned. It is early November now, and I will be visiting for the thanksgiving holiday soon. It was a few days before we could talk again, but we exchanged texts and emails. She would read the text, but wouldn't reply for hours. She replies to everyone else ASAP; I asked her why she didn't reply to me in the same manner. She turned off read receipts and didn't answer.
Next phone conversation, I had been starting to read about marital communication. I realized that I wasn't a good listener, I was not very empathetic, even speaking with contempt. I committed myself to change at that moment. I didn't feel good about myself and I was going to change. The phone conversation started out ok, I tried hard to actively listen, validate, and show empathy. It is hard to just change, but I am committed to this. I proposed some ideas, maybe we could go on a date(we don't do that very often) when I was home. This idea was met with some resistance and she didn't want to. I tried to explain that I was working on changes in myself, and that I have realized that there were issues that I needed to work on for our marriage. This was not well received, and she went on an emotional tirade about things from our past, things that didn't quite jive with how I remembered them. She told me she didn't want to talk about any of this over the phone, and she had some things she needed to tell me in person. I pushed a little, trying to figure out the problem, and she gave me a bit, but kept insisting she didn't want to talk about it on the phone. I dropped it and agreed to talk about it when I got home.
The day before I am to head home, I get a long email, the gist of which was ' I don't want to have sex with you, sleep next to you, shower or be in an state of undress with you here. You can sleep on the couch while you are here.' Needless to say, panic set in at this point! I agreed to her boundaries, didn't really ask questions. I got home very late due to delayed flights, and slept on the couch. She had a medical appointment the following day, which would require a driver, she had already arranged for one of her new friends to take her, so I stayed home. Saw the kids off to school. She got home mid afternoon, I got her set up on the couch with her tablet, phone, ice packs, etc, and didn't push for any R talk. Kids got home, we had fun, made dinner, enjoyed a fun evening. I slept on the couch again. She is very adamant we don't discuss any R problems in front of the kids, and I am ok with that. The next day they left for school, and I waited for her to talk to me. She buried herself in the Internet, and finally I initiated the discussion. She got very angry, 'you want to do this right now!? We'll ok!' Got some papers, threw them at me, and told me she had already been in touch with a L and they were going to start WW3 on me, I had been abusive to her and the kids(I haven't been) she isn't sure she can ever be intimate with me ever again. Asked me if it would be amicable or if I would fight her. I told her it could be amicable, but I didn't think it was the right answer. She went on for a couple hours telling me every single thing I had ever done wrong, how she didn't like camping, fishing, disc golf, or any of the things we did for fun. It was very hurtful and I was in shock. I apologized multiple times, for everything under the sun. Nothing worked, I couldn't figure out what was wrong but it sure sounded like I was the problem.
The next couple days she spent with her new friends mostly, and I did fun things with the kids. Little communication, she said she needed do emotional space to think things through. When she was home, she was glued to her phone and hid any signs of who she was talking to from me. The last day of the weekend she told me I should make plans to do something else for thanksgiving, as I couldn't be there anymore, she didn't want to play house. This made me upset, I retreated to a spare room to think. I spent the next 8 days of my time off with my side of the family, it wasn't very celebratory. I did al the anti DB stuff during this time, texting her articles about what was wrong with me, how I was sorry, how I wanted to understand her issues, I rookies to be better, etc. needless to say that didn't work.
I flew back to where I work without seeing W, but did get to see the kids for an evening before I left. I noted some strange things during this day. All pictures of us had been taken down in our room. Motivational saying posted here and there. All the keys to our vehicles and toys were gone from the key rack. Kids were very clingy, especially D8, she just sat with me in a chair most of the evening. Now it is approaching the Christmas holiday, and I will be going there again, however I have already been told not to come home and to make alternate plans for Christmas and New Years. She said she is scared for me to come home in January and I should think about making alternate living arrangements.
I have pretty much went quiet since then, one email about passive aggressive behavior, I didn't really know what that was, but I definitely do have P-A tendencies, and that I was sorry for that. I asked about a plan to see the kids over Christmas, to which the reply was ' as previously discussed, make alternate arrangements for the holidays'. I replied 'just to be clear, you will not allow me to see the kids over Christmas?' No reply.
That is pretty much where I sit. Stuck 1000 miles from home, not communicating with the W, worried about the storm at home. She has all the trump cards right now and knows it. She is very emotional normally, life has been a bit of a roller coaster, but we have always made it. She is very emotional right now, but it is cold, calm, and collected. She just knows that she wants out. She acknowledged that my behavior has changed, followed by, that will be helpful in your next relationship. Thanks for letting me post, and I look forward to the supportive dialogue and interaction here!
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks this is going to be long process. I have my first counseling session tomorrow, just to talk with someone. I will have to find a new one in a month after I move.
I have the DR book enroute, it should arrive Friday to my sisters house.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
LB, welcome to the best forum on the internet for these kinds of things. I attribute my success in my own sitch directly to this forum. It took me nearly 50 years but I finally learned that the best way to be wise is to learn from the wisdom of others.
LB, please be ready for the other shoe to drop. Likely your W is involved in an A. All the markers are there. Most LBSs that don't see "evidence" go into denial about that. But there are a lot of red flags. The phone usage. The new friends. The rewriting of history to make you to be a villain. The suddenly business like nature of her correspondence. The sleeping as far from you in bed as possible. The getting angry when you mention things or bring things up. Many of us have been there, and in 99% of the cases there is an OM involved.
What you need to do LB is to use the time you have left before you go home to decide what YOU want. You have no control over her, or what she does or decides. But you do have control over YOU. Most LBSs think that the only thing they want is to save their marriage. But LB now is the time to dig deep down and decided what you WILL and WILL NOT accept. Those are your personal boundaries and they are important. And trust me, your W will not respond favorably in any way to a spineless worm. So make sure your spine is firmly intact.
Quick story from my sitch.I initiated BD after finding FB Messenger messages between my W and her online EA OM. I immediately went into meltdown, worm mode. Crying, begging, pleading, moping, clingy, sad, depressed, listless. Two things changed. I remembered DBing from the EA she had in 2005. And I had a friend that had cheated on her H, so I confided in her to get advice. Her #1 piece of advice: STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. Over the next several weeks I had the opportunity (unfortunately) of seeing how she reacted when I meant a show of rebellion and defiance on her part with being a spineless worm. It never went well. Then I also had the opportunity to met her rebellion and defiance with confidence, firm resolve, and even a hit of anger (not out of control but simply "this will not fly" anger).
The biggest example of this, was just after my W, about a month into our sitch, decided she was sorry she had done what she did and started talking about staying together. Turns out her OM had moved on from her so she needed to save things with us now. 4 days I later I found a very public, full profile of hers on a dating site. Picture. Our whole story, everything. I called my friend. "You need to go home and confront her, and be angry! This is more than about you and her, this is about your D14 finding out what is going on!" It was a great point. A full blown dating profile could easily come back to my daughter. "Why is your mom trolling for men on a dating site?"
I went home, told her I found out. Asked her what she was thinking. I firmly told her that if she had a shred of respect for me, but more importantly if she cared one iota for our D, then she would take the profile down immediately. I pointed out to her that any one from church (and we were well known at SEVERAL local congregations), from our D's school, etc could find that profile. I said firmly "Unless you want your D to find out about it you best take it down."
The reaction I got from her was the opposite of what I had been getting from her. Mr. Nice Guy hadn't worked. Mr. You Better Listen To Me got immediate results. I never brought it up to her again. I went on with my life after saying my peace. She came to me later that night and said she had removed the picture, and made the profile private (meaning only those that she messaged first could see it, she even told me that the responses she had received so far were from guys that were NOT appealing, LOL.) The reaction I always got from her with Mr. Nice Guy was defiant, 'I don't care' rebellion. My W is much like yours, very emotional. How she could be so cold through most of our dealing was astounding. But this time, being firm, the response was a lot different.
LB, your W may not respond the way mine did to your standing up and taking charge. But guess what....she WILL respect it. Most of the time when we deal with WAWs and WWs (I think yours is more the former since waywards tend to try to hold the family together and still do what they want to do), there has been a breakdown in the respect department. A lack of respect leads to a lack of attraction, which leads to eventual thoughts of leaving and/or being with someone else. TAKE BACK YOUR RESPECT.
My advice:
1) Drop Mr. Nice Guy and stand up for yourself (read. No More Mr. Nice Guy, you seem to have a touch of Nice Guy Syndrome with the admitted passive-aggressiveness) 2) Talk to a L. She already has. D is a legal process so you have to be prepared legally 3) Shift from trying to save your marriage to trying to save yourself. This is a big one. Trying to save the marriage results in actions that work against you. So work on you: 180 (launch into a new era of self-improvement) and GAL (when you get home stay busy. Every minute you aren't with the kids or sleeping, you are busy doing other things!) 4) Detach emotionally from this woman. What she does and says should have ZERO emotional impact on you. This one is very very tough. GAL helps immensely with this. But trust me on this, she wants you to react. She needs you to react. She expects you to react. When you remain calm, cool, pleased, happy, content, no matter what she says or does the impact on her will be profound.
Hang in there LB, I know you are tempted to think "not being there is what allowed this". However, many of us were ever present in our W's lives and still found ourselves dealing with a WAW. Don't fall into that thinking. Being here or still being 1000 miles away has no impact on your W right now. In fact, other than child care and visitation you should remain emotionally 1000 miles away from her right now.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
But trust me on this, she wants you to react. She needs you to react. She expects you to react. When you remain calm, cool, pleased, happy, content, no matter what she says or does the impact on her will be profound.
i can't improve at all on what Steve told you, he's a vet of this place so please listen to what he's telling you. I just wanted to highlight though that particular piece he offered. You need to get to the place he advises you need to get to ASAP. For two reasons, one it will help to get you detached and balanced in your dealings with her and two, your wife's "fire" is fueled by her need for you to react. Now how it effects her...for me i have no idea how/what my W thinks, but I do know for d88n sure I can take her fuel from her by being exactly as Steve describes when dealing with her. It's said many times here you DO have more control than you realize IF you can quickly get a handle on your emotions and do what actually works rather than what you think will.
1) Drop Mr. Nice Guy and stand up for yourself (read. No More Mr. Nice Guy, you seem to have a touch of Nice Guy Syndrome with the admitted passive-aggressiveness) 2) Talk to a L. She already has. D is a legal process so you have to be prepared legally 3) Shift from trying to save your marriage to trying to save yourself. This is a big one. Trying to save the marriage results in actions that work against you. So work on you: 180 (launch into a new era of self-improvement) and GAL (when you get home stay busy. Every minute you aren't with the kids or sleeping, you are busy doing other things!) 4) Detach emotionally from this woman. What she does and says should have ZERO emotional impact on you. This one is very very tough. GAL helps immensely with this. But trust me on this, she wants you to react. She needs you to react. She expects you to react. When you remain calm, cool, pleased, happy, content, no matter what she says or does the impact on her will be profound.
5. When you do #2 and everything else that you do is to FIGHT for your children. Make sure that you get visitation or 50/50 custody. Do not settle for anything less.
The most important thing for you to DO in this process is be the BEST DAD that you can be, and that includes being involved with your children.
B - Thanks for your support, i am working very hard on my emotions. I have not reached out to her in 10 days now. I will have to soon because currently i am not seeing my kids over the Christmas time period and i find that to be unacceptable.
Steve-
Thanks for replying, I have read a lot of your replies to others, and it is good to have your experience and advice on board. You are a 2x4 homerun hitter and I will need that.
Initially I expended all my time trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I definitely figured out some poor behaviors on my part, but mostly I figured out there was nothing I could have done to prevent this from happening. That removes some of the guilt on my part. I am still trying to determine the differences between WAW, WW, and MLC. Most of my research has led me to MLC, almost every 'list' of symptoms points to that. If the board members can help me to differentiate, please do so. What I have to go off of, in short form right now, is:
1. She started a new business. 2. She got a new wardrobe. 3. She got a new hairdo. 4. She got a new wardrobe. 5. She is shopping for new furniture. 6. She has a new food routine. When I have been home recently, I cannot actually make a meal unless I go to the store. Most things are convenience foods, even though we have always been against pre packaged and boxed foods. 6. She has left all of the friends we had together, blaming them for abandoning her. 7. Everything is my fault, unless it is someone else's fault. Nothing is her fault. She seeks to find someone to blame excessively. Nothing can be resolved until someone is to blame. 8. She appears to be so happy, yet I can see she is completely fake right now. 9. The self help books are everywhere at home. From how to start a business, to how to be assertive in negotiation process, how to feel good about your decisions, etc. 10. She needs space to deal with things. Usually the way things have gone is she is hurt about something, then she mopes, I notice, ask what is wrong, she cries for a couple hours while telling me about it, I apologize, I hold her, and usually there is make up intimacy at some point. 11. She has withdrawn from the kids. They are very self sufficient, military kids tend to be I think, but now they spend a lot of their time on ipads, they make easy mac for themselves for dinner. She watches Netflix and reads. 12. She has struggled on and off with depression for the past 7 years or so. 13. She told me that she spent most of October remembering what it was like on the stand in court when she was a teenager and had been sexually assaulted by a family member. I think this was the trigger that sent her spiraling out of control. 14. She thinks she is bisexual now and wants to experiment with a woman. 15. She has told me a handful of times in the past 10 years that 'she doesn't deserve someone like me, i don't deserve to be stuck with her and her medical issues, you should just leave to be happy'. Recently it has changed tone a bit to 'you won't like the person i have become and you should think about leaving'. 16. She has taken down all pictures of us, except for a couple. One of us on a fishing trip where she hurt her leg, and one of our wedding day. She said she left them up as motivation.
That is a short list of things I can think of off the top of my head. I can expound in detail on most of them, if it would help anyone to understand. I will try and do my best to separate facts that I know from things that I suspect or have reasoned out in my head.
I am doing my best to detach. I am journaling each night before bed, trying to put my thoughts on paper throughout this process. It helps me sleep I think, at least until about 4am when I wake up each day. I am working on this, and this time of year with the holidays, and the fact that we have been all looking forward to me coming home, makes it hard to just 180 away from any thoughts of happy with her. I wrote last night that I didn't know who she was any more. I am legally married to a stranger. What a crazy concept. I also told myself to get a PO box and start having my mail sent there, to get a new credit card, and set up a new checking account. I need to be ready to immediately withdraw financially when she hits me with papers. She did her best to hit me upside the head with a baseball bat, I am going to surprise her by taking action to protect myself in ways she would never suspect.
I will consult with a L. I need to figure out who would be appropriate for me to use. Any advice on selecting counsel would be appreciated. This is something I am VERY unfamiliar with, lawyers and divorce stuff, although I am trying to spend my off time reading about it, there is a ton of open ended contradictory advice out there.
I have suspected an A for a little while. I never knew there was such a thing as an EA until very recently. Her new business venture involves mostly men, both as business partners and in her business dealings. It isn't worth trying to figure out who/what/when/where/why, because that doesn't actually do anything. I keep telling myself that, and hopefully it will start to become a realization.
I am a Mr Nice Guy, I always have been. I have been a doormat for everyone in my life, whenever someone says jump I say 'how high?'. I cook, I take care of all the vehicles, the house, the yard, the income, the health care, etc. She reads romance novels, watches Netflix, and spends time with friends. I did ask her to stop with the romance novels, as I thought she was just trying to fantasize about a life that we don't have and it made me uncomfortable to be compared to those characters in the books. She slowed down for a while, but she never really understood why I wanted that, instead trying to make it about money ($7.99 for a book that takes her 5 hours to read adds up, but really isn't that expensive for entertainment). I hate conflict, I withdraw from it, I always have because I was scared of being yelled at as a child. I just realized that within the past couple weeks. It is a hard mindset to change, it is one of the things I am going to ask my therapist about. I am also going to ask about help with my P-A tendencies in conflict. Realizing i have P-A tendencies is the biggest step towards fixing them.
This is the plan in my head. It is fairly simple to think about doing it, in reality it will be very hard. I want to get home, get in our house, tell her that I live here now and if she isn't comfortable with that she is welcome to leave, but the kids stay with me. I want to separate our financial lives, which means new accounts and closing our joint CC. Finances are very intertwined and we are not poor or struggling to get by. I have a feeling that if she can't force me to leave, she will just leave and go live with her parents(they live about 0.5 miles away and have a full basement they don't use).
I have been thinking of how to GAL. Once i get home, this will be easier. My life is pretty lame right now, my job provides a place to sleep (26Hx28WX80L) and food. I didn't bring a vehicle with me, so my transportation options are limited right now. I walk most places, exercise is good for me. I have the clothes i brought with me and that is it. I use wifi, i try and play an online game with S11 when W hasn't taken away their ipads for behavior(my kids have never lost their privileges for behavior before). Excuses, I know. Once I get home, I can go skiing, flying, fishing, camping; all things I like to do and so do the kids. Maybe some trivia nights, or joining a bowling league. I would like to try show shoeing and curling. I referee high school football in the fall. I want to eventually build a diesel truck pull competition truck. Lots of ideas for GAL. Just have to do them. I have started by going clothes shopping, and i found a couple items that i think are very 'me'. That is a good start.
I am trying to get there in my head, I have a good sister that I am currently confiding in, and i have opened up a relationship with my other sister that has been pretty closed for quite a while. I am working on standing up to people for what i want, while still being able to compromise and come to a good solution that works for everyone. Easier said than done.
This is terrible. I feel so bad for my kids, they are struggling and i am not there for them right now. Today is my S11 birthday, i will call and talk with him, not about this stuff, but just him. I sent him a fun card and some cash to get something he really wants. When i am home, D8 just wants to snuggle with me in a chair. Like all day. It breaks my heart.
Thank you for your advice, i will be around often, mostly i am reading up on other people's sitch.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
I will consult with a L. I need to figure out who would be appropriate for me to use. Any advice on selecting counsel would be appreciated. This is something I am VERY unfamiliar with, lawyers and divorce stuff, although I am trying to spend my off time reading about it, there is a ton of open ended contradictory advice out there.
The biggest baddest one that you can find, the lawyer needs to help you, to be a hammer not a nail.
She may be WW, though WWs usually try to keep up family appearances while still doing whatever (and whomever) they want. Understand that right now you are dealing with someone who is beyond selfish. Anyone that will leave their kids to feed themselves can't be trusted to put anyone else ahead of herself in her life.
I like your plan. Remember, GAL is essential. Especially when you come home. As cadet said be dad first, but when you aren't with kids be BUSY BUSY BUSY.
Look up self-differentiation in marriage. Learning about it really helped me a lot related to detaching.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She may be WW, though WWs usually try to keep up family appearances while still doing whatever (and whomever) they want. Understand that right now you are dealing with someone who is beyond selfish. Anyone that will leave their kids to feed themselves can't be trusted to put anyone else ahead of herself in her life.
Look up self-differentiation in marriage. Learning about it really helped me a lot related to detaching.
I think she is definitely trying to keep up appearances to outside people. No SM posts is a rule, she doesn't want me talking to anyone outside of my family about it(not that she can control this), don't tell the kids anything, wants me to keep my vehicle at the house, etc. Everyone that knows us but isn't super close or family would just continue to think i was gone for military obligations per our plans. The holidays not wanting me there is a change in this theme, but only her parents and her friends will be invited and they all know anyway, so maybe not.
She is definitely selfish, although she accuses me of being selfish and controlling. I have seen the light on this, she is projecting herself onto me, and i am done apologizing. I am a very apologetic person, but that one will be fairly easy for me to turn off. She is making everything about money, stuff, toys, and getting what she is entitled to from this whole thing. She is an only child, which always have more selfish tendencies. She does have a step brother, but he is 16 years older and wasn't around much during childhood. Her dad is divorced and married her mom when he was 37 and she was 19. Her mom was running from an alcoholic father. A tough dynamic. Now they are still together, but he just watches fox news all day and her mom complains that he never wants to do anything. That is what happens when you marry 18 years your senior. They get old and you are still working and looking forward to retirement.
I am looking forward to the GAL activities, some are things i haven't done in years and really need to get moving. Some are just dreams at this point, but sound really fun. She wants me to get into golf. I hate golf. She says she wants to get into golf, but she has done nothing to get into it other than take a lesson or two that her previous employer provided at no cost. I refuse at this point, it just isn't fun for me. She always wants me to take up things that she is likely better at than me, like we are in competition. She has always been mad that i am just good at things, athletic or mechanical, intellectual, etc. I don't brag about it, however i am not afraid to show that i am good at things by taking on a challenge, accomplishing the task at hand, and doing it well.
Off to see a IC for the first time. Trying to not be apprehensive, working to be more open and honest with myself and others. This is a small step towards that, after all, i set the appointment. Trying to remember my goals here, to work on me and make myself a better man, with no R expectations.
I will look up self differentiation tonight, i haven't run across that term in my reading and research yet.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
