Is it bad that sometimes I wish she'd give me the chance? I guess it's normal. Sometimes I feel I made the wrong choice.
If I may? I think of this may be in your head and you are making it bigger than it needs to be? I read fear in your posts. And self doubt. And of course there is! Not only is losing your W, albeit briefly, very traumatic, it really was not that long ago. It has been less than a year. There are still some wounds there and I think that is natural. There are going to be times that the intimacy between you waxes and wanes because that is normal in any long term relationship. Perhaps you are just more sensitive to it now because of the residual fear of losing her again?
Steve, you are without a doubt, a very bright man! You have generously given so much of your time and wisdom to posters here. Recall though, that it is always harder to see it and apply it to our own sitches. I would actually be more concerned if you were only painting rosy pictures and outlooks, because I happen to think denial is the worst place to be. So please cut yourself some slack here. This road is a long one and it is still early. ... you know I am years ahead of you and I still question if I made the right choice sometimes. Maybe that is not a bad thing tho? Maybe our questioning it keeps us thinking about how to better it?
Is her not wanting to kiss you passionately a red flag? Maybe, but maybe not. I don't tend to share a lot of intimate details here, but this is something I pull back on at times too. I feel like kissing requires a level of intimacy that is far greater than physically connecting (that part is not a problem). So sometimes I feel myself not wanting to let my guard down. Other times not so much. If my H made an issue of it, I think I would feel less comfortable and pull back further. If he did the opposite and reassured me of something, well then naturally that would increase intimacy and closeness.
So my thoughts? Take note of it. Think of how it makes you feel and why it might be this way. Then you just move right along and keep at it. If you both choose to be together, these minor bumps will sort out in time.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thanks Blu. Too be honest I think as the year mark nears I'm just questioning why I felt I needed to hold on so tight. As others have stated, before BD I was not very happy. And I think some of that is setting in. For me the lack of passionate kissing is less a concern than is my lack of surety that I made the right choice. Maybe she was giving me a gift and I blew it. IDK
Why did I hold on so you tight? Truth was she had really stopped trying at all. The house was a wreck. She sat on her phone all day. Like I said I was not happy. AS said last week, and I agree, that the LBS fog makes us believe the MR was peachy when truth be told we were as unhappy as the WAS was.
So now I need to make sure my 180s are consistent. That my self-differentiation is firmly intact. And yes I need to really start on top of my GAL.
Thanks for the kind words. Just in a low place due to the impending anniversary of bomb day. It gives me a chance to step back, reflect and ask myself what I really want.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Blu. Too be honest I think as the year mark nears I'm just questioning why I felt I needed to hold on so tight. As others have stated, before BD I was not very happy. And I think some of that is setting in. For me the lack of passionate kissing is less a concern than is my lack of surety that I made the right choice. Maybe she was giving me a gift and I blew it. IDK
Why did I hold on so you tight? Truth was she had really stopped trying at all. The house was a wreck. She sat on her phone all day. Like I said I was not happy. AS said last week, and I agree, that the LBS fog makes us believe the MR was peachy when truth be told we were as unhappy as the WAS was.
So now I need to make sure my 180s are consistent. That my self-differentiation is firmly intact. And yes I need to really start on top of my GAL.
Thanks for the kind words. Just in a low place due to the impending anniversary of bomb day. It gives me a chance to step back, reflect and ask myself what I really want.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, just like this BD anniversary is triggering fear and doubts in you, what do you think is going through Ws head? She has the burden of guilt and shame in addition to everything else you feel. I know we shouldn’t try to figure out WAS but she’s not that in your case anymore. Could her behavior simply be because of the low vibrational energies she’s feeling as it brings in her some unpleasant memories too?
Is it bad that sometimes I wish she'd give me the chance? I guess it's normal. Sometimes I feel I made the wrong choice.
Be careful what you wish for.
Anyway's, it is more of a state of mind. Set her free. Do not control her. Love her. Lead her down the fun and exciting path. Protect her. Protect the relationship. If she does not want to be with you, it ran it's course and you do not want to be with a woman who does not want to be with you.
I guess what I don't know is if I want to be with her, no matter what she wants. All the signs of her being back in the marriage are there. We even had an exchange the other day, joking and jovially, about how she is "retired" from working. Remember last year her plan was to get a job, get an apartment, and get a divorce. The latter two were impossible without the first. And now she has no desire to look for a job. But is it because she is happy and fulfilled or because she has it so good?
IDK. I just know I'm really having second thoughts and doubts.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, just like this BD anniversary is triggering fear and doubts in you, what do you think is going through Ws head? She has the burden of guilt and shame in addition to everything else you feel. I know we shouldn’t try to figure out WAS but she’s not that in your case anymore. Could her behavior simply be because of the low vibrational energies she’s feeling as it brings in her some unpleasant memories too?
Maybe Sia. I guess I wish she were more remorseful, does that make sense? She expressed remorse not too long after her behavior showed she was back, but not the kind of remorse I guess I would have expected. Her first EA in 2005 she was very remorseful. Even after mourning the loss of the OM. Maybe if she seemed more sorry for what she did I'd have a greater sense of ease? Though really there is nothing in her behavior showing any signs of being different from a month ago. I think I'm just having buyer's remorse.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am no expert in piecing. I always fall back on DBing and personal growth. One person changes how they interact, forces the other person to change. Seducing a woman is hard work. I can't always tell the same joke to make her laugh. What worked before, doesn’t continue to work. It is always a new adventure.
So I guess from my point of view, how do you become the next OM? What can you do to get her chasing you?
As coach always said, your W is a cat. Be catnip.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
It's less about trying to seduce her and more about if I even want to anymore. Our sex life has actually been really good since Ring and piecing. I guess I just need some time to think.
Last edited by Steve85; 12/19/1810:57 AM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Brother I feel exactly the same as you do although I am at a much earlier stage. WW has been showing signs of remorse but constantly declares her need for independence and not to be controlled which I have no problem with. The physical relationship is there albeit with alcohol involved which you know, but she is coming around emotionally when not drinking and talking more.
The problem is my brain has finally overtaken my heart and is saying "is this the person you really want to be with?" After all this pain that she has put me through and the long road to recovery and still signs that it might not happen, why would I want to stay with her.
It is a big question that we struggle with, we hopefully have plenty of time left in our lives and I know personally that there are other good woman out there that are interested in me. It might not be the best decision that I have gone that far but has shown me the light and I am having a very hard time accepting my W back.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Brother I feel exactly the same as you do although I am at a much earlier stage. WW has been showing signs of remorse but constantly declares her need for independence and not to be controlled which I have no problem with. The physical relationship is there albeit with alcohol involved which you know, but she is coming around emotionally when not drinking and talking more.
The problem is my brain has finally overtaken my heart and is saying "is this the person you really want to be with?" After all this pain that she has put me through and the long road to recovery and still signs that it might not happen, why would I want to stay with her.
It is a big question that we struggle with, we hopefully have plenty of time left in our lives and I know personally that there are other good woman out there that are interested in me. It might not be the best decision that I have gone that far but has shown me the light and I am having a very hard time accepting my W back.
I think the key is boundaries. Looking back at my own sitch I realize the part was was weakest with was boundaries. What R looked like to me, and what I required of her to accept R. Like most LBS I was so excited that she was willing to R I just jumped in. There is a school of thought that says that fixing the MR will cause the issues to just "go away". And that might be true in some cases. But LBSs need to really decide what THEY want, and work towards that before piecing. Test your WAS to see if they are really into Ring or just "going through the motions". A committed WAS will agree to boundaries (see hooshim's threads).
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
