Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (TWO)

[joejoe1]

Adam,

The 2 years you read about is an average. Only you know your W. If you are sure you are looking at your W in an objective light and you see her remorse than it might be a much shorter time period than two years.

Every person and M is different. Don't put pressure on her and remember to detach with love. I used every opportunity I had to present a positive attitude in front of my W I could. The more she sees you in a positive light the more her assumptions of you change. Remember consistency. I will say she probably is scared that all your changes are to just get her back and will go away once she decides to stay. That's a legitimate concern, and she has a right to be cautious with you over your changes, just like you will have the same if you recon about her infidelity.

I got BD in June 2017, the ILYBNILWY, and she's done. I found about my W affair in August (it started in July). I found this forum at the end of August and started applying DBing techinques. She started temp testing and coming closure all thru September. At the end of September I caught her talking to him again and trying to meet up with him. I had enough of the disrespect and I was ready to start moving forward with my life (key statement: I was ready). I woke her up and told her to get her Sh!t and leave (I could tell she knew I meant it, I was done.). After that day her disrespect start to subside. By Halloween she wanted to start to work on the M. It has been over year since recon has started and respect is back on both sides.

Be patient, don't rush it. During the month of October, after I told her to leave, I still was detaching with love. I still stayed positive. I still did my GAL. My changes was for me and she got to see the consistency and a man only a fool would leave.

Pay attention to the signs she give you! Watch her actions, don't go off her words alone.

You are doing great. I wanted to give you my story, so you know that you are on a good track.

[Adam04]

Thank you joejoe,

Thank you for reminding me that this is a balance of emotions and that Its just as important how & when we convey those emotions.

Your story is inspiring. I really appreciate you sharing it with me.

I have a lot of work to do. You're right both ways about the concerns. Just as she would need to be remorseful, I would need to be honest with myself , identify and improve in the areas that got me here.

I don't think I'm going to rush anything. I don't see her come running to me just volunteering the information and that's going to be the only thing I'm going to accept.

I'm ready, but I'm also waiting, patiently...

[Adam04]

Still here, still reading, still learning.

Been a few days. Been working out late at work and spending a little time with the kids when I get home. Lost 65 pounds so far, still have 100 to go. keto diet, fast, eat lean. W has been making break and bake cookies with the little one and I swear they leave them out for me to eat... so hard over the holidays.

The last week, I've spent more time teaching my children. I thought about your words and what type of man I want to be, what I want to show my children. I re-evaluated what I was doing and saying in front of my boys, what I was showing. I thought about what I was letting them get away with and the reasons why.

I've been thinking about what people have said in my shoes, we have learned this great lesson as if it happened overnight, we are worthy to get back to our W/H if only they would want us. Or maybe we got snapped back to our old selves. I'm seeing others like myself who are questioning if the spouse is worth going back to or wondering if we should continue to wait. We're tired, we're beat, we're mistreated, we're hurt and definitely not detached, but we're moving in the right direction... we are re-calibrating ourselves, our self worth, our image with/without them. 4 months from BD seems like a long time to me, but I am just beginning to learn to love myself more and more and more. I have two wonderful boys who will need their dad to teach them and guide them and to make respectable men out of them.

I read someone daring us not to make our posts about our failing marriage or our WAS, but to make our posts about us, our process in healing, our journey. I want to accept that challenge. I still feel hurt by WW, I'm still human, I'm not ignoring or running away, but I am finding the courage to face it head on, to look it in the eye and not back down, to stand.

burned, I didn't forget about that activity on standing and posting it here.

As for updates, going to sleep before 10-10:30pm if I can help it. Been sleeping at 12-1 and waking up 5:30. Still working out at least 4 times a week. This weekend will try a Filipino restaurant with a work bud who works out with me. I am teaching my 10yo about his time management, he watches his ipad in the morning while getting rdy. I am re-enforcing no ipad until he's done getting rdy in the morning so he can use it as an incentive to hurry For 6yo, he eats every hour. He will take a bath and want to eat something at 9pm, which is too late. Stopping that. Stopped that today, Told him to eat bigger dinner so he wont be hungry later. He did and its worked. These are small things that I addressed because it was going on for too long already. Nothing major, nothing exciting. Just parenting stuff with almost zero attention on the MR.

Overall, in a better place. I think it's because I am still early in my story. It would benefit me greatly if I GAL'ed. I didn't work out today, came home to help the little one with his homework, his bath time and spent a little time with them. Helped older one with his homework too. W talked about presents for friends' kids, she bought them all already and I told her thank you, how about if I split the cost with you, she said that was fine.

I'm sleeping well, sore from working out, I am feeling SO much better at work. I am 1 guy in department of 25 women, I am default alpha male, but it also tends to my NGS. I try to stay buried in my work. Been really happy with the results of blocking the noise.

Welp, times up. time to sleep.


Was thinking about changing subject to : HOW TO FALL BACK IN LOVE (with self)

[DejaVu6]

Great post Adam. Sounds like you are doing everything you are supposed to be doing... for you...and for your boys. It is quite the journey, isn’t it? I don’t think I have ever been through anything like it before. The highs and the lows... the forward steps and the backward slides. Yet slowly inching my way forward. Good for you with the weight loss. I am also following a KetoDiet. My goal was to lose 30 pounds and I am three pounds past my goal. I have my H to thank for that, I suppose. Nothing jump starts a diet like extreme stress. (((HUGS)))

[burned]

Not sure what assignent I gave you. Guess your memory is better than mine.

Will there be any Adam04 left after you lose 165 pounds? Wow. Keep up the good work. And I agree that the “divorce diet” is a good one. Jumpstarts the metabolism. For the first couple of weeks after BD I was eating so little that I was metabolizing fat directly. My pee smelled like acetone. It’s not super healthy in the long run, but it unlocked something.

[lost8]

Hang in there Adam, you are on the right track. Your thoughts and actions are about you and your kids which is what is most important right now. Wasted energy thinking about the strangers that we once called our Ws.

I still wish there was a way to connect with all of the people on here. The support we give each other would be 100x better if we could all hang out in our respected areas.

[lost8]

Adam,

Good to see you aren't posting much on your sitch...usually a good sign as you have been able to find some balance again in your life hopefully. Once you can get yourself in a better place you find it so much easier to GAL, it's not forced anymore, it has become your life. I find myself reading and posting on others pages instead of needing the immediate help I needed in the past to cope.

Awesome long weekend in Vegas...how often do you see someone get married by a singing Elvis? Not to mention my new sister in law has three sisters who both brought two friends all 5 single and I was the only "single" guy partying with them for 2.5 days...what a blast!

On the ironic side...my wife was blowing my phone up all weekend with calls and texts from W about missing me and what was I doing...blah blah blah....she got attention to about 10% of those mostly to check on kids. She was trying to talk to me while I was walking through the casino, clubs and bars with 5 girls surrounding me...she wasn;t all that happy with it but being a WW has its consequences.

[lost8]

Just responding to your post on my thread...

You said you were young when you were back in Vegas, I'm 49 now and these girls were all in their late 30 and early 40s and we had fun like we were teenagers. I know we can't get out and do that all the time and Vegas is always a party but I have been proving to myself that I can do this alone if I have to. And bigger than that is that there are tons of other good people out there that would be interested in who you are. I think our Ws have lost their way so much and don't have the respect to see that we are still there....maybe just need a reset or something.

I'll be honest the one thing my WW has taught me is that we need to live now. That is what I lost, yeah I have kids and want to have a secure retirement, but what good is that if we don't enjoy the ride. I am still making sure tomorrow is taken care of but living today. My W called 50xs and texted 100x while I was gone for 3.5 days, she heard the women and heard the party....and I didn't care. She was throwing herself at me when I got back but I have taken another step away.

Hang in there as always and at all costs enjoy life. I looked at myself as well and see the NG traits that are a huge issue in a marriage. As I have worked away from that slowly I am seeing the enjoyment that I have wanted out of life whether with or without W.

[Adam04]

Hey lost, thanks for the support. I agree that life goes on and we should be enjoying it.

The last couple weeks I had been going to work, working out, and the same usual routine. Except instead of trying to find time to post, I read ALOT more. I am dividing my time between DR, another book, and a lot of the posts here. I felt like I was doing well, with giving W space and avoiding conflict, if that's a good thing? I've not met new people except I was being social at my company Christmas party if that is worth anything. I spend more time at the park or my company garage in the evenings.

I read Coach's 25 page Detach thread, WW perspective on why the are leaving the LBH and it was humbling. I read other people's sitch like mine and see the patterns and all the wonderful advice given. I revisit posts and let the words just marinate for a minute. What are my goals, what am I doing to get there, will what I do help or hurt, what are my 180s and are they working for me? Am I detaching and GAL?

I've been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching, rereading posts, trying to listen to advice others are getting and apply them to me.

I want to detach, but I know it will be a long road ahead. I'm still okay with no snooping, nothing of that sort in trying to dig or find reasons, or even R talks, none of that. The last thing I saw was when I knew she downloaded Skype after BD and I saw other apps like the singing one. I didn't think nothing of it until I read Steve's sitch. A few times I thought I was going to say something to W or come here and just blow up, but I let it sit and I cooled down. I've been trying to be mindful of the NGS tendency of not being level headed. In reading posts about these singing apps being used to flirt with other people, I noticed one was installed on my ipad. We still have the option to install whatever is downloaded to all devices so I see this singing app on my ipad, installed after BD. Initially, I was like why am I not surprised. I couldn't do anything but to let it go. I sat on it for a few days and told myself that honestly it bothers me a little bit but I didn't feel like I am in any position to discuss anything. I was bummed because it was right under my nose and had I not came across other people's posts and sitch, I would be all the better. I thought about my feelings and I'm wasting energy. If I did something, would it put me closer to my goal and what is that goal? One of my goals is to work on my marriage and bringing that up would do nothing, maybe hurt it.

On the weekends if I'm not scarce, W and I could have these talks like two weeks ago when she said she noticed I was acting different and asked if I wanted to leave. Last weekend I made sure not to feed the beast and kept my distance, staying in the study. When we did talk, she always initiated and I kept it cool. We laughed more from what I could remember.

I noticed since that talk W and I had two weeks ago, I was becoming indifferent and didn't want to become that way so I made effort to just put a little bit more pep in my step and just being relaxed and pleasant. I think this backfired. W had been more engaging over the last two weeks and coming to me talking not a whole lot but about Christmas stuff and random small talk. I was just being mindful not to come across as cold or on guard. People said not to pursue and I had not but I would sometimes say good morning instead of always having her initiate that. If she asked a question, I would answer and then maybe ask back.

I hadn't been going out to eat with her side of the family for a few weeks. She does order in and gets me something or I eat whatever she orders for the family for our weekly dinners. This weekend I was going to meet my friend to exchange gifts for his kids and go to hang out with him but we were working around another friend's schedule who is coming in town. So put us 3 guys together trying to text all day and schedule something, turns out nothing happened. We got it scheduled for tomorrow. I asked her if the presents had come in already so I can get them and drop them off at my friend's place. She said yes and asked if she was going to go as well. This was a couple days ago. I told her most likely it was going to just be us guys. We used to get together sometimes with our friends during the holidays and now this year that dynamic is changing. She also asked me if I was going to attend her brother's Christmas get together and said they were also planning to pray for their dad and go to the cemetery and asked if I was going to that. I said no thanks. I didn't explain why or anything like that.

For dinner, my S10 and W were talking in the living room and he comes in to the study and asks if we can eat at this restaurant I love to eat at and I tell him no thank you. He asks why and I told him I didn't feel like it, so he was a little disappointed but I am not totally sure he wanted to eat there, I didn't overhear the convo if she asked him to ask me. So W cooks him something and she's got this mad look on her face. It didn't sit right with me so when he went to the study to put on his headphone and play his video games after eating, I brought it up because I thought it was disrespectful she copped an attitude.

I remember Sandi mentioning to wait until the kids are away before confronting the W about the behavior. I saw this as a respect thing, but feel free to let me know your opinions. Maybe I am wrong but this is where I thought I needed to talk to W about A) when we need to discuss matters on separation with our older one B) her attitude thinking it's okay to be angry or disrespectful if I'm not playing along.

Well, when I spoke to W, I let her know I saw her mean look on her face and that she looked mad about me not wanting to go. I said I declined but that didn't stop them from going. She said she didn't understand why I didn't want to go. She said 3 months ago I would have gone with them. I told her, in 5 months we're going to split and we need to decide on how and when we talk to our children about it. I said we need to start thinking about sharing custody of the kids and if I need to find a place within distance of their school. I said the reason why I didn't want to go was because we were going as a family and I told her I would protect our son, but between me and her we know this is not a family, we're separated. She asked if we could wait until after Christmas to talk to our son. I said yes, I don't want to ruin anything for them, but we need to figure out when we should talk to them and I said I would wait the 5 months if i need to protect him longer for now. I went back to going out to eat saying I could not go. She said we're going as hungry people, not as a family. I said okay, I see where you are coming from and why you think that way, because you think we're going as individuals and not as a family. In between this I was getting ready and putting on my clothes like my jacket to take my little one out to the store. I came back and said, look, I am trying to protect my feelings because I see us going out together like that as a family. She said "I understand, you don't want to be with us." I said, no that's not it, you don't understand. I said we're separated and to protect my feelings thinking we're a family, I can't go.

I thought this was going to be all about loving me. I can change it to loving me and my children and then maybe her, sometimes... every now and then....

[lost8]

Hey Adam,

I have been keeping busy as well. Fortunately after I returned from Vegas my W was only home for 2 days until she was traveling for work and has been gone for 6 days. I am enjoying the time alone and it gave me a chance to get the house in order at least the areas that I live in since the W left it a drunken mess while I was in Vegas. She has called multiple nights saying how much she misses and talked about our upcoming anniversary which I have told her I am not recognizing. I am being cordial but am standing my ground, you become a WW for that much time and there is no longer a date that stands for anything.

I am diving into work heavily with a great opportunity for a promotion in the next month or two and have not had much GAL activities other than staying in touch with my brother across the country and one of the ladies that I met in Vegas. We were actually planning a getaway in January since she is out of state and wanted to meet up at a beach destination. Not sure about that one yet but my W had expressed an "open" marriage which I was totally against but since I have dropped the rope don't really care what she thinks now. Since she has no interest in D since she has a free ride at home I feel the only way for her to see what the real sitch is is to move on 100%. She doesn't want to talk about R or D or anything, just wants to talk about herself when she is drinking and it is exhausting and boring.

I continue to workout daily, talk to distant contacts and plans to meet up again, plan to meet up with some friends the next few weeks over the holiday break and actually whatever I feel like doing because I can. It is very refreshing to not have those feelings of worrying how my other half will react to my plans or actions....I just don't care what she thinks anymore.