[I’m paraphrasing what happened, since it happened right before I went to sleep]
I’m getting ready for bed around 11:00, and I walk into MBR, and W is folding her laundry (she does her laundry, I do mine, and either of us do laundry for the boys, depending on the day).
I hop into bed, say ‘goodnight.’ W: Are you going to help, or are you that tired that you just need to go straight to bed.
Me: [takes about 10 seconds to think through response] Okay I can put away a couple of things if you need me to
W: (clearly agitated) You don’t need to be all p***ed off about it, if you don’t want to you can just go to bed.
She admitted that she needed some help, and I did put away a couple of her items, and then went to sleep.
I should have either just said ‘goodnight’ and went to sleep, or just helped her. One of my triggers with her is her accusing me of getting p****ed off about things, when I don’t think I react like that (could what I do / say come across that way? Maybe). But I knew enough to not escalate it, because in the past I would say something like ‘I’m really not p****ed off, but that reaction does get me p****ed off.’ That’s one of the things about her that really bugs me—like she’s mind-reading me, and she seemed clearly agitated.
You;ll know better than I. Look at the detachment thread, and then see if her behavior matches. If not, disengaging.
Maybe she is? I also know earlier she talked about how she has lost her sense of self because of the pregnancy, as well as the avenue of career change.
For me, the struggle has been threading the needle between detaching and disengaging on my end. I’ve been trying to give her the emotional and physical space she needs, and I’ve been pouring my energy into the kids around the house. They get the demonstratively expressed love and affection.
You can help doing common chores, why not? And don’t forget to validate if you have to. Share common responsibilities. There’s nothing wrong about doing that. Just remember, no R talks, no expectations, just do.
Keep moving forward!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I would say ‘common chores,’ but it is HER laundry. If it was all of our laundry, then sure.
I often take YS when I get home because I need / want Baby Time. Depending on the day, either cooks and / or does dishes.
But yes, no R talks, no expectations, no pressure for sex (or anything, really).
I also tried validating, but it was late, I was tired, and I’m not great in the moment emotionally (unless until I get more reps). I guess for me the victory was not escalating and firing back ‘well when you say THAT that’s what p***es me off!’
Well, you can help her like helping one of your kids. And leave it there. Good for not escalating the situation.
Keep giving her time and space. And use that time and space for your own journey: getting into amoafwl.
Stay strong there B!
Fair enough.
What baffles me is she would pop off about a ‘break’ or S (granted, it’s been about 2 months since she last brought up potential ‘break’ or S, but....) but then she wants / needs my help. It’s rough doing things on my own!
So which is it? I know there is a diff between wanting help and wanting ME, but this is part of the package deal.
I hop into bed, say ‘goodnight.’ W: Are you going to help, or are you that tired that you just need to go straight to bed.
Bo, that was a very passive/aggressive comment on her part and you should not have rewarded it with compliance. Keep in mind you've been fired as husband, and you sure as hell aren't her maid. I would not have even dignified that with a response, just ignore her. If she wants to escalate it into a fight then calmly tell her you're not interested in fighting and you suggest she take her clothes into the other room to fold them.
One thing LBS's with NGS need to learn is to quit letting their WAS walk all over them. They'll push the boundaries in all ways large and small and you can't let them get away with ANY of it. She tested you and you blew it. Learn from it and make corrections moving forward.
Bo, that was a very passive/aggressive comment on her part and you should not have rewarded it with compliance. Keep in mind you've been fired as husband, and you sure as hell aren't her maid. I would not have even dignified that with a response, just ignore her. If she wants to escalate it into a fight then calmly tell her you're not interested in fighting and you suggest she take her clothes into the other room to fold them.
One thing LBS's with NGS need to learn is to quit letting their WAS walk all over them. They'll push the boundaries in all ways large and small and you can't let them get away with ANY of it. She tested you and you blew it. Learn from it and make corrections moving forward.
I forget exactly what she said, but it was something to that extent.
A/S, you’re 100% correct. Totally passive / aggressive on her end.
And you’re also totally correct in the sense that I blew it, big time.
My insides wanted to tell her to F off (but not saying it like that), and I didn’t listen to my instincts.
Pfft.....there’s a basket of my laundry I’ve washed and maintained, but haven’t folded yet because of end-of-semester grading, as well as company this weekend. I’m not asking her to do it for me, and she’s clearly not. Why should I do that for her?
Once I put my head back down on the pillow I knew I blew it.....hence the stacking of 2x4s ready and waiting for me.
Though I’m not (yet) to S / D, I have found myself looking ahead to whatever (and whoever) comes next. My orientation is shifting, whether it is to Current Wife 2.0, or looking forward to another woman in time.
I don’t want S / D (who does?), and while I know it’s not totally up to me, I think about how others refer to my sitch as ‘having been fired as being H,’ and I think to myself ‘why would I want to come back to this?’ Especially with how she is being mentally and emotionally.
I’m pulling this from another thread because I don’t want to hijack someone else’ thread....
I know that there is much that can happen down the road, and I’m well-aware that things could very well get much, much worse, but I’m journaling and open to commentary.....
I’ve wondered much about what would happen when / if W comes to her senses about all this. Obviously, there is much I need to work on, but I can only control myself in the end.
A/S talked about her ‘firing’ me from my job as her H, and he is correct. This is causing me to shift my vision down the road, towards W 2.0, or another woman.
I just know that at some point, there is going to be another R talk—either BD for S / D, or her talking about how she’s acted (doubt it, but you never know!)
I also know that, as it stands, it’s tough for me to want current version of W back—hard to find her all that attractive, on any level.
And to face that rejection?
I’m not sure what would be worse—her actually believing that S / D is the answer, or that she said all this because of hormones / emotions. Like I’m supposed to excuse her hormone levels or emotions? My IC has said that hormones for a woman are a totally different force—he is D and R/M, and he said that his XW later came back to him and explained to him that yeah, it was the hormones (brought about by menopause, IIRC).
Whatever the reason, it’s not okay for her to do this, and I find it unacceptable. I know I should act more like it’s unacceptable, and for me the trick is aligning attitudes and actions.
But I can’t just pretend that this is not okay (for whatever reason), and an “I’m sorry” won’t cut it. Nor will sweeping it under the rug like nothing has happened and things are gonna be all good. Because I really don’t want current W back, not like this.
She wants MR with me? She’s gonna have to work for it, and I’m going to have to hold her to it.
Came home rather late today—had a foot doctor appt and then a dentist appt back in the area in which we used to live. SoCal traffic being awful, it took me a long while to get home. I’m normally home between 4:30–4:45 most days, but today I was home closer to 6:00 (4:00 p.m. dentist appt. lasted until 5:00-ish).
What was probably my first mistake in all this was sending W a text message as I was leaving dentist to tell her I’m leaving now, will be home a little after 6:00. Then I start driving—her response (did not check message until after I got home)? Guess I’ll change out of my running clothes.
I get home, and she’s holding YS while making dinner. Here’s the long and short of it—she tells me she needs me home, that there is a lot that needs to get done around the house, and that she wanted to go out for a run this afternoon but couldn’t because I got home so late.
I tried to validate her, but it didn’t go anywhere. What I should have done is hit the eject button and tell her that I can’t talk with her while she is so upset with me, that we can talk later when she is less upset.
She then tells me that I’ve been coming home after 5:00 for the last month or so, and that I’ve been really terrible at communicating the last couple of weeks. That she didn’t have any input on going out for our anniversary—that maybe she wanted to do a different week or a different night like Friday, or choose what to do or where to go, but that I just went ahead and made a reservation.
I finally did extricate myself from the conversation. But oy.
She needs me around, huh? That’s really hilarious, considering how she’s talked about how she’s not even sure she wants to be married to me, how perhaps we may need to take a break and separate, and that she doesn’t bat an eyelash at going away for days, weeks, or even months (like this coming Sept—Dec) for work, and I get to teach 6 classes of religion and handle child care and the household (but this coming fall, it will be for 2 children under 6).
She needs me so much and talks about walking on our marriage vows? She needs me so much around here but she goes away for work all the time. Jfc woman.
If she challenges me about this weekend’s dinner, I’ll say “I’m sorry you feel that way. I was really looking forward to having dinner with you then, as I made reservations. If you don’t want to go, you don’t have to, but that means you can put the boys to bed as I’ll just go out, and you can join me if you want.”
