Ok got it, no more talking to SIL about that subject.
I got cornered into talking about the D. This morning she called me a couple times and I finally answered. She said that she wants to D and it’s not fair that I’m in the house and she’s in an apartment and she’s broke etc etc. That she knows she’s never coming back to me and that she wants to close this chapter of her life. Started bringing up mistakes I’ve made in the past and recently. Saying that we’ve been separated for almost 5 months and the kids want nothing to do with me if we’re not getting back together. She said that she can’t imagine ever getting back with me, I told her not even two weeks ago you begged me to take you to Canada for the weekend, and that if it wasn’t for that trip that we would probably still be seeing each other. She said that she realized on the trip that she can’t be with me. She wanted me to file for divorce. I told her that I’m not going to do it and that is on her. She asked me what I wanted and why won’t I file. I told her that she knows what I want and that is opposite of divorce so I can’t file. She is extremely angry at me. She said that I make life so hard for her and she regrets the day she met me, at one point she even cried that she was so mad. I told her that I had to go and that was it.
I don’t feel affected emotionally by the convo. It’s surprising how she is so angry at me, I haven’t even talked to her or seen her for almost 2 weeks now. I know it’s her emotional ups and downs.
Right now she sees me in a horrible way, and that I’m the worst person on the planet in her eyes. I just need that switch to flip inside her.
I know that it’s not entirely my fault as she makes it seem. Every day I’m getting stronger and I’m glad that this convo didn’t affect me, I like that feeling. But I’m lost on how to turn this around? Other then staying dark,detached, and avoiding convos like this, is there something else I couldn’t be doing?
Funny she wants it so bad yet she won't file? Just looking for the easy way out.
Exactly. I was previosly married and filed for divorce with no lawyer so she considers me an expert and uses that since “I already know what the process is”
Just got a text from her (we hung up about an hour ago):
“Let me see what time I get off work today, we can meet up later to finish talking. But I am sure that I don’t want to try again with you. I just want to live in peace, you need to understand that.”
When she started talking about D this morning, I started by saying that “you know I don’t like talking about serious subjects on the phone let’s leave it for another time in person” but then she started going on.
So do I go? Is that pursuit? What’s the point of meeting up if she’s sure that she’s done? I know that there’s no point in meeting up if she hates me right now. So why does she want to?? I’m so confused by all of this.
Here is the convo I had with my W when she was hard core pushing D...now maybe she does want it but honestly why should you invest any work in it.
I said "get a separation agreement together and I will have my lawyer look at it". Now if everything is as you want it mediation will be the fastest and cheapest way to go but if you see something you don't like best to have counsel look at it.
Remember this though, be prepared if she follows through, D might be the outcome and you have to prepare yourself mentally that she will follow through. But by no means help her with the leg work.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Yes you should meet with your wife. You've got to be tired of this nonsense. Take charge. Here's what you can say to her, "Do you think you can get your sh*t together and get out by Christmas Eve?" Then, proceed to have a truly wonderful Christmas and start the new year with your life oriented in a new and very positive direction.
Hello all, merry Christmas to everyone! I wanted to vent/give an update on my sitch and see what you all think.
I did meet with her about 4-5 days ago. She seemed normal on the phone, so I thought she would be in a good mood to have a civil conversation. I was completely wrong. When I got there, she immediately started recalling things from the past, saying I ruined her life, that she is miserable thanks to me and that all she wants to get D and never see or hear from me again. Just extremely angry and raging at me. I felt myself getting angry as well so I told her that I couldn’t continue this convo and I left.
She started calling and texting me, I ignored. Then her texts went from angry to apologizing for getting my hopes up about R and that she would do anything to help me feel better. Then (since I kept ignoring) she went back to anger and saying hateful things so I blocked her.
I still have her blocked and haven’t heard anything from her. Listening to all the things I did wrong in the marriage still hurts me, we both made mistakes but it’s hard to listen to. I felt bad after this. Not being in contact with her since then has made things easier for me and I feel much better.
I do realize that this is most likely leading towards D. But I don’t understand how can she be so angry towards me?? I think she is suffering economically so maybe that is fueling her rage towards me?
Thanks for reading this, and I’d appreciate any comments or suggestions. Plan for now is NC and keep her blocked. I need to heal and when she contacts me she stirs everything up and I can’t have that.
You need to realize that her journey is not about you. She is angry at herself and the world. You could have given her gold bars and she still wouldn't have been happy. Think about it, if she was so unhappy all of this time, why didn't she talk to you about it? When they are "out there", they rewrite history. That means, everything on God's green earth becomes a problem for them. They talk about everything you did wrong, but they very seldom point out what they did wrong. They also talk about how many months and then years that they were unhappy. Bottom line, it's her, not you w/the issues.
It's called the "dance"...when she can't get what she wants, she will use anger and if that doesn't work, she will find other ways to rope you back into the dance. When you distance yourself from her and go NC, she'll try to contact you constantly. Read the thread on The Dance of Pursuit and Distance. It might help you in the days ahead. Here's the link:
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
