Curious when someone is in this situation, does one get a gift for your spouse that is hurting you so badly for Christmas? Not like romantic stuff, but a genuine gift. Something they would want. I think the answer is yes, but I don't want to press the situation.
Counseling today for the first time. I need to reflect on it.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
My W BD me like 1 week before our 13th anniversary. Guess what we got each other for our anniversary. Nothing. Guess what we did for our anniversary. She worked late and I said eff it someone should enjoy this day so I took the kids to ice cream to celebrate.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Sorry you find yourself here. Great place for support.
No gifts.
Hard truth:
OM is taking care of this.
Right now Confidence is what you are to project to your W. You will be fine no matter what happens.
I would set bondaries around parenting. 50/50. Week on week off. Alternating hodiays etc If your job gets in the way of your ability to parent, get a L to argue for your rights. as close to 50/50 as you can.
Thanks for your service.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks for the advice. This has always been a tough spot for us, gift giving. I was raised in an environment where I knew too much about my parents finances and even as an 8 year old, knew what they could and could not afford. I never asked for what I actually wanted, and I rarely got what I wanted. Go figure. They probably could have made it work, but I would never ask out of fear of their situation. I won an academic contest in 5th grade, best amongst 38 contestants, I was offered a reward by my parents, you know what I asked for? A box of mini wheats cereal. I get anxious to this day thinking about gifts. It is sad and fundamentally wrong. It isn't about cost, it is about fear of someone not liking what I got them. I have said before I have problems to fix too.
Opposite of me, my wife grew up with gifts for everything under the sun day, so the concept of getting or giving gifts at Halloween or Easter was completely lost on me. She does cards for all of the days, hallmark loves her. Needless to say, this has caused strife on more than one occasion. An easy area to improve upon, I admit. I just kept doing the same thing, letting her get gifts for everyone, ncluding my family, and just putting our name on it. Laziness on my part, fear, excuses, whatever you want to call it. Won't make this mistake again, in this R or others in the future.
Which leads me to my point. I would love to get her something from the kids. However I am 1000 miles away, she has taken away their iPads. That is their form of communication, and I can't go shopping for them, she would see right through it. I advised him to apologize for the behavior that caused him to lose his iPad, make no excuses, and see if he could get it back. We will see, because when I asked him if he had apologized, he said 'mom didn't ask me to yet'. Come on, kid!
I will work to find them something for W from them. I may still get something for her, but hold it in reserve because I cannot be one to not have anything if she got me something. It would be a 180 for me to have something, she wouldn't expect that. Again, Thanks for the advice. You all are great!
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Thanks for the truth. While you are likely correct, at this point I only have secret phone behavior, no proof of OM. Plenty of reason to suspect it, but I also believe in innocent until guilty. I know this may be naive, but i don't want to incriminate her, and I haven't decided yet if an A is a deal breaker for me yet.
I will work out the parenting details once I get home in Jan. I have no ground to stand on right now from this distance. Once I am home, a 50/50 shouldn't be a problem. If it is, the L will help.
I have a sneaking suspicion that once I am back in the picture, she will demand I move out because I make her scared and uncomfortable, I will refuse, then will tell her she is welcome to move, and she likely will leave. Just a hunch.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
One of the mistakes most LBSs make is to try to hold on to the WAS and continue to be their S, despite having been "fired" as the WAS's spouse.
You can start here. By not giving her a gift. (I agree with the others to get her a gift from the kids, but makes sure it is clear that it is FROM THE KIDS.) This will start to show her what it means to not be your spouse. Even if she gets you something. If she does I would refuse to accept it. "You've made it clear we are no longer a couple, I do not feel right accepting this gift from you." If she doesn't but brings up that you didn't get her a gift, that is the opportunity to say something like: "Since you've made it clear that we are no longer a couple, I didn't think it was appropriate to exchange gifts."
LB55, I am not going to lie. Your W seems very far gone. I normally say that sitches start at 50/50. Some have circumstances that make them have better odds. Some lower. Your odds here are not great. Maybe 25%. But you can maximize that by doubling down on DB tactics. I mean you need to really go dark (look up Last Resort Technique) and GAL, 180s, and detach.
And do not move out. When you consult with a lawyer, find out what the law says, but in most cases a spouse has no legal standing in booting the other from the marital home.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks for the advice. I am working on getting her something from the kids, and from the kids only. Also working on what to say to her if she engages me. It was something along the lines of what you posted. She divorced me emotionally probably 6 months ago. She is a stranger, and I am trying to treat it like that. I wouldn't get a stranger a gift for Christmas, well maybe I would, but it would be a coat for a homeless person or something.
I did get to talk with my S11 last night on his birthday, that was really nice. Since she took away their ipads I am going to tell her that each night at 7pm the kids get her phone to call me and talk. I bet they get their tablets back because she doesn't like not having her phone.
She is very gone Steve. I am not trying to do odds calculations or anything here. She has lots of issues and she has to work through them. I have really only begun giving her emotional space, and I have been silent on all R topics for 12 or 13 days now. We have texted about the kids twice in that time. It has been good for me. I am working slowly on transforming my wardrobe to a more mature look. I went shopping for some new glasses yesterday, and found a couple I really liked. I am going to do some more shopping with my sister when I am home over the holidays. I felt good yesterday wearing some of my new clothes that make me look good.
I was going to confront her about the Christmas holiday and that I was going to see the kids, they aren't part of this fight, and she is welcome to make plans to join us or not. I am still going to stick to that point, but I got an email at work this morning that said, 'H, you can see the kids at Christmas. Let me know when your flight arrives so I can pick you up. W.' I will take that olive branch, because it is about the kids. This email shows me I still have a long ways to go in detaching, because I was nervous to open it.
As far as moving out, I agree I will not be moving out. I am not sure how the courts will see it as I have been gone for a year; I haven't established any sort of residence, all my mail still goes there, my drivers license still says I live there. Everything I read says she cant change the locks, and if she does I can get a locksmith or she can give me a key. I am playing this one close to the vest, because of my distance right now. I intend to arrive in January, move in, and then tell her that I live here, I am not leaving, and if she isn't comfortable with that she is welcome to live somewhere else. Same goes for the MBR. She doesn't want to sleep with me in bed, she can sleep elsewhere. I don't want sex, I just want to sleep in a comfortable bed. She will be shocked at the new man that shows up and is in charge of his own self. This will likely scare her and she will leave for a while to think it over.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
LB, awesome! Let us know how it goes. And feel free to bounce things off of us. I agree on letting her pick you up with the kids at the airport.
Trust me, there have been sitches with less hope turn around. Mine looked pretty hopeless throughout the holidays and January. Dig in soldier, this is going to be a long fight!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
