Why on earth are you so hellbent on mind reading? And an egocentric at that! Not everything revolves around you. And I would be willing to bet that she is not spending all her time plotting how to screw you over.
As for how the stages go. It's not as clear cut as you might imagine, you do not finish one stage and go on to the next. It is very here and there from anger to acceptance and back again. So do not be hard on yourself for not detaching quickly enough, it's just the frustration spilling over your cup...
This^ and then some. You cycle then on your downward spiral you add more weight and baggage to a sitch that alrdy is. Nothing is new burn. Nothing. This baggage that you are adding is causing your upswing to stagger and get slowed. You can see when you shed that, you loosen up. You're better. Let go. The whole dependent on you for finance but she not wanting you is a trigger for you. You can not accept that and move on. That's why when you have time away, which should re-center you, you blow up first text?
Don't just shed; molt, transform. Turn to burned the beautiful butterfly
Read the frog in the pan analogy in my first thread. Sudden texts out of the blue make you jump. I think that if you are amicable (forget how you get there for now) but let's say you resolved your anger issue and felt like you weren't "losing" her but loved her enough to let her go amicably, I think this burned would be able to stay level headed and cool, accepting texts or no texts. Everything from W will be on an even-keel. Slowly Turning on the heat in this sense means working towards amends. You said you did some crappy stuff on/after BD. People said you need to forgive yourself. Have you done this? And is it enough to accept letting her go? You know in my sitch I didn't play it cool or strategic. I am an emotional introvert that blew up. I can't stand myself for that and admitting that to myself helped to humble me. I am ashamed and there's too much work I need to do on myself than to worry about her. Why is this different for you? I'm coming from an honest and sincere place when I ask that.
Burned you are not ready to initiate D. It doesn't sound like it, and as they say, you will know. You will give it a lot of time, you will no longer ask people about it because our opinions should not push you or stop you from truly doing what you want to do in your heart. What it will do is prevent some people from making impulsive mistakes. This is a process so you'd know. We're telling you so you can focus your energy on other things. You've made your list of reasons and shared, and my personal opinion, you're not emotionally ready yet. As you told me, you burn that down and within a few days you may regret it.
Go ,GAL and get another fish burger. Btw i was on the treadmill at work reading this and had to stop just to give you some (()).
Burned as far as the 10 year old wanting to fly, you don't let them jump off a high building preparing for the funeral. You guide them. You tell them to go ahead and jump off the couch or maybe the second floor, let them experience the pain and learn for themselves. You can help control the sitch in a way and let them learn, then when they come to you and say they can't fly or are no longer interested, you don't go I told you so.
My S6 is scared of planes and heights but I encourage him to wear his cape and jump off the kitchen island when he wants to. I tell him to tuck his knees in and keep his mouth closed so he doesn't bump his chin into his knees or bite his tongue. One day I hope he will be brave enough that he'll get back on a plane and not have a panick attack like he did when he was 4. We should not be scared of the risks and we all go at our own pace.
Last edited by Adam04; 12/18/1801:06 AM.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
I can’t type much on my phone...but, YES, you are doing this to yourself. Someone told me once that trying to apply logic to a WW is a fools errand. Imagine her as a crazy person mumbling to herself as she walks down the street. That’s about as much sense as you can make of what she says and does. And yet you’ve been spending months coming up with some grand scheme she has laid out for you. She is selfish and running on emotion. There IS no logic besides that. There are no answers besides that. Filing for divorce won’t do anything if you remain stuck trying to ascertain answers to unknowable questions.
By the way. You can type “FOR ME” in all caps as many times as you want. I noticed that you didn’t start talking and really strongly considering filing for D until it seemed like what w wants. Seems to me like you are jumping into “Mr fixit” mode to make W happy even if you aren’t even recognizing it yet.
I think typing on my phone made those posts come across as too...harsh. I apologize for that.
In any case, a few points I want to make still....
1) You keep saying things like "I was a crappy H" and "My W just found a better offer" and things like that. STOP IT. You have worth. You have value. You are not a waste of an H. You made mistakes and now you are learning from them. Thats all that you can do. Meanwhile, your W is with someone that went after a married woman. How much inegrity does that guy have? :eyeroll:: YOU are the best option. If you cant even believe that, then why should W?
2) It remains interesting to me that you repeatedly point out that your W likely felt you are a "control freak". Now that she says that she wants a D, your first instinct is to jump in, because "she isnt going to do it right." Go to the lawyer today. Understand what it means to PROTECT yourself. Consider taking those steps and then let it be. Youre right that it isnt as easy as just "signing a paper", but let her do it. It's OK if there are bumps along the way.
3) I dont know what it will take to stop the mind reading for you. Youve painted W as this diabolical monster plotting against you at every turn. From what youve posted, I dont see it. I just see someone that is selfish trying to get "whats theirs". It looks like my XW. My XW said she wanted to separate, said she wanted a divorce and just kept on walking. She discovered my postings here and thats probably a big part of it, but the point remains, she wasnt out there just to hurt me day in and day out - she was just done caring about what I felt and looking out for #1. I think your W is feeling similarly - she's trying to wrap up the loose ends that she perceives as she remembers them. Dont attach any other meaning to it besides that.
You can do this Burned. Whether or not she comes back, you need to keep your focus where it needs to be. What are your GAL plans this week?
It's funny because I didn't perceive those posts as "harsh," just direct, which is fine with me. It actually gave me something to sleep on. I don't want D and I don't want to be Mr. Fixit but old habits die hard.
Yeah, the mind reading needs to stop. I think Vapo is right about being egocentric. Throughout this process I have been too much focused on "Why did she do this TO ME" and "Why am I not getting what I want?" So I have to drop that attitude. Working on it. One way to do it: CoDA meeting tonight.
I do feel like I'm learning from my mistakes but I am my own harshest critic. Obviously I gave her too much power over defining my worth, and when she decided that I'm not worth much TO HER, my own SELF worth went with it. So I get what you're saying about building that back up. It's just taking forever. And yes, every time I see progress I sort of self-sabotage. Why, I don't know.
I know she's not a monster. IC said that last week. She's a human being making the best of HER bad situation. I just project some of my own anger outward onto her.
On the issue of your XW finding your posts here, I've been paranoid about that even though W has no access to my computer or phone. If she knows about what I'm writing here and knows it's me, she isn't showing. I'll assume there's nothing serious to worry about.
As for D, I still can't figure out the logic of it. This morning I figured I could just give her the money she wants, in cash, in an account, pay the taxes and call it a worthwhile loss, whatever. That removes pressure, in a sense. But then she's working on selling the house. And then what? All that's left is that piece of paper. Do I gain anything in the long run from not doing it myself, except the satisfaction that I didn't do something I didn't want to do and stood up for that right? I don't know.
GAL this week is CoDA meeting tonight, trivia tomorrow. Need to make plans for Thursday. Friday is dinner with friends or the game night/movie night group. Saturday I'll head back down to the parents' for vacation. BTW last week we played a GREAT game called Power Grid. Sort of a cross between Catan and Monopoly. Long turns, and after every turn the play order gets rearranged so it makes things a bit more "democratic." Highly recommended.
Edit: I should add a couple of things since you all can't read MY mind. I looked through the past month of journal entries and I'm reading, and FEELING, some improvement in the emotional rollercoaster. I still get strong feelings throughout the day, but I don't wake up in "pain" and I don't look out the window and resent my plight. I get up and do what needs to be done. Not as efficiently, still lots of ruminating, but at least I'm functional. My work situation has improved quite dramatically, and I'm getting along great with the people in my life who still care about me. So I call that a small win. Also I've made my bed every morning for the past week, and there were no dishes in the sink when I got up this morning.
Last edited by burned; 12/18/1801:48 PM.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Question regarding my appt. with the lawyer tomorrow (it was rescheduled):
What do I say if they ask why I'm not filing? They'll probably think I'm sort of stubborn or irrational if I say, "I want to let her be the one to file because I'm not ready to do it." Or is that exactly what I should say? They'll say, "Why not? Someone has to do it." And I'll say...what, exactly? "I'm waiting to see how this plays out"?
Or are they maybe likely to have had some experience with people who aren't ready to file but want to explore options? That's the stance I think I need to take. Do they "get" that? I mean, I'm paying them for their time either way, right?
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Question regarding my appt. with the lawyer tomorrow (it was rescheduled):
What do I say if they ask why I'm not filing? They'll probably think I'm sort of stubborn or irrational if I say, "I want to let her be the one to file because I'm not ready to do it." Or is that exactly what I should say? They'll say, "Why not? Someone has to do it." And I'll say...what, exactly? "I'm waiting to see how this plays out"?
Or are they maybe likely to have had some experience with people who aren't ready to file but want to explore options? That's the stance I think I need to take. Do they "get" that? I mean, I'm paying them for their time either way, right?
You're paying them. It doesn't matter what they think. They aren't your new friend, they're your L.
OK so then once I know my options, then how do I approach interactions with W? I mean, she just wants to free herself, get rid of the house, get her half of the money. What is the difference between "appeasement" and "cooperation"? If her offer is reasonable and I don't have a better offer, we just do it, right? Then it's done. At that point the D really is irrelevant, unless she wants to remarry.
So what I'm fearing isn't really the D, it's everything else that goes with it.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I don’t understand your question. Why will something change once you meet with L? It’s not really different from reading a book on D except you’ll have specific info.
And you’re already divorced. Don’t you remember I divorced you a couple threads ago? Fundamentally, how is that different from what a judge will do?
