Sandi's Reflections - Part 3

[Nutcrac]

How can it be overcome later..........you mean with the same W? Like I said, I think there is usually more to the story than just differences in their salary. If the W left the M b/c her H did not measure up to her expectations of more money from his side of the street, I would check to see why he was not drawing a higher salary. Is it his lack of ambition, or is he just stuck in a low salary job with no hope of advancing? Maybe it's not him. Maybe he has a demanding and unrealistic W. Does he want to find a higher paying job and put in the necessary work in order to keep his W? I suppose that would be up to him.

Well, what was the mistake? Did you have a tendency to be lazy, a slacker, failed to follow through with training/education? Did you lack zeal, no passion, no drive to advance? Were you perfectly contented to remain in your current position, although it didn't pay enough to suit your W? What would you need to do to earn a higher salary? Would it mean changing jobs or changing careers? Big difference, IMO. What would be the drawback, and would there be any advantages or benefits, other than more money? These are the type things I would suggest checking out. There is a difference in a guy who won't buckle down and bring home a sufficient paycheck b/c he doesn't want to put in the hours or whatever..….and the one who is doing the best job he can with the qualifications he holds. If he wants to do whatever is necessary to get the qualifications, that's up to him.

Thanks Sandi2. Above details are all good deal of information to understand the dynamics of a woman's relationship wrt money and H in a family. I think I do recognize several faults which i feel led to the downfall of my previous marraige apart from the SSM issues that already existed.

Let me list these so that I can start to learn to address these issues going forward which I already am -

1) Ex used to consider me a lazy person. Yes to some extent I was lazy working from home whenever I wanted instead of heading to office. But the issue was my office commute was extremely far and I had to switch several commutes to reach there everyday. Hence I found more convenience in managing at home. I think this was negative. But I was always on my feet active in sports and my outdoor hobbies. Ex never used to engage in any.
2) Societal Status - Ex considered her community having a higher status than mine and hence her disrespect towards my family was very high to the extent that she was openly criticizing and cutting sarcastic remarks against my family and culture whenever she pleased. Not sure what the solution is for this or if there is any.
3) I am not very ambitious and in fact I always prefer a work-life balance, My job title is fairly good ( a white collar) however not that much as comparable to my Ex status in her job or salary level. Although I supported to acheive what she wanted in life during her entire study times, logistically , physically and emotionally, she became more critical of me as work pressure increased and days went by. (To the point, she called out that my job is useless and I idle my time and hers is a lot to handle)
This made a significant difference as Ex started earning much more than I did and caused a huge drift in our lives.
4) For the SSM issues, Ex was emotionally closed out on me and had major trust issues. At one point she thought I was living with her only for the money she earned and nothing more.
5) I was a bit of a spendthrift, However NEVER neglected her hers and our basic needs and family needs. I spent the entire time from my money for both of us. She just accumulated all her money in her bank account.
6) Her concern was i changed job too many times. I did that for ease and flexibility and also for work-life balance and to an extent keeping in mind the progression of my career.

But my point is, don't you think in a normal marriage at least a majority of the above points are true to some extent?

[sandi2]

But my point is, don't you think in a normal marriage at least a majority of the above points are true to some extent?

Well, I suppose. I also believe whenever a person marries someone from a different culture, religion, social or financial status...…..it can bring added stress to the MR. Almost everything adds stress to a MR. Even when the two people have similar backgrounds, there is going to be some differences in how they view things. It's up to the couple to figure out (or get help) in how to make it work in spite of all their differences. Learning how to adjust to our circumstances and working together is a big deal. Not cooperating and expecting the other spouse to do all the changing does not work well at all.

[SoTorn]

How can it be overcome later..........you mean with the same W? Like I said, I think there is usually more to the story than just differences in their salary. If the W left the M b/c her H did not measure up to her expectations of more money from his side of the street, I would check to see why he was not drawing a higher salary. Is it his lack of ambition, or is he just stuck in a low salary job with no hope of advancing? Maybe it's not him. Maybe he has a demanding and unrealistic W. Does he want to find a higher paying job and put in the necessary work in order to keep his W? I suppose that would be up to him.

Well, what was the mistake? Did you have a tendency to be lazy, a slacker, failed to follow through with training/education? Did you lack zeal, no passion, no drive to advance? Were you perfectly contented to remain in your current position, although it didn't pay enough to suit your W? What would you need to do to earn a higher salary? Would it mean changing jobs or changing careers? Big difference, IMO. What would be the drawback, and would there be any advantages or benefits, other than more money? These are the type things I would suggest checking out. There is a difference in a guy who won't buckle down and bring home a sufficient paycheck b/c he doesn't want to put in the hours or whatever..….and the one who is doing the best job he can with the qualifications he holds. If he wants to do whatever is necessary to get the qualifications, that's up to him.

Thanks Sandi2. Above details are all good deal of information to understand the dynamics of a woman's relationship wrt money and H in a family. I think I do recognize several faults which i feel led to the downfall of my previous marraige apart from the SSM issues that already existed.

Let me list these so that I can start to learn to address these issues going forward which I already am -

1) Ex used to consider me a lazy person. Yes to some extent I was lazy working from home whenever I wanted instead of heading to office. But the issue was my office commute was extremely far and I had to switch several commutes to reach there everyday. Hence I found more convenience in managing at home. I think this was negative. But I was always on my feet active in sports and my outdoor hobbies. Ex never used to engage in any.
2) Societal Status - Ex considered her community having a higher status than mine and hence her disrespect towards my family was very high to the extent that she was openly criticizing and cutting sarcastic remarks against my family and culture whenever she pleased. Not sure what the solution is for this or if there is any.
3) I am not very ambitious and in fact I always prefer a work-life balance, My job title is fairly good ( a white collar) however not that much as comparable to my Ex status in her job or salary level. Although I supported to acheive what she wanted in life during her entire study times, logistically , physically and emotionally, she became more critical of me as work pressure increased and days went by. (To the point, she called out that my job is useless and I idle my time and hers is a lot to handle)
This made a significant difference as Ex started earning much more than I did and caused a huge drift in our lives.
4) For the SSM issues, Ex was emotionally closed out on me and had major trust issues. At one point she thought I was living with her only for the money she earned and nothing more.
5) I was a bit of a spendthrift, However NEVER neglected her hers and our basic needs and family needs. I spent the entire time from my money for both of us. She just accumulated all her money in her bank account.
6) Her concern was i changed job too many times. I did that for ease and flexibility and also for work-life balance and to an extent keeping in mind the progression of my career.

But my point is, don't you think in a normal marriage at least a majority of the above points are true to some extent?

This is also part of my sitch. My WW has a graduate degree. I do not. I have a great job and make great money and recently got a promotion. However, WW makes quite a bit more than I do. I heard the "You only love me for my money" crap, or "you are using me" crap. That line came after WW started talking to OM, who also has a high paying job, but of course he is 20 years my senior. I am starting school in January. That won't really help me now but it will help me down the road. I will get into a management role in the next 12 months for sure.

However, now that I cut my money from the joint account and my lifestyle hasnt changed at all. I havent had to get rid of my car that my WW hates. Nothing has changed for me. This shows her that I am perfectly fine without her. I have asked her for nothing.

[Nutcrac]

I feel the issue is once they decide something drastic like a separation / divorce, they will take up any lame excuse to get away from you! and that keeps going on until we are completely out of their lives. This is exactly what has happened in both our cases.
From the many women I have been conversing, they look for that new romantic feeling elsewhere outside of this relationship till their cloud 9 feelings die away after a while and when they prepare to hop on to something new.

[GFT00]

But my point is, don't you think in a normal marriage at least a majority of the above points are true to some extent?

Well, I suppose. I also believe whenever a person marries someone from a different culture, religion, social or financial status...…..it can bring added stress to the MR. Almost everything adds stress to a MR. Even when the two people have similar backgrounds, there is going to be some differences in how they view things. It's up to the couple to figure out (or get help) in how to make it work in spite of all their differences. Learning how to adjust to our circumstances and working together is a big deal. Not cooperating and expecting the other spouse to do all the changing does not work well at all.

Sandi2,

I will first state that I'm not in a optimistic state but also not a total pessimistic state. I believe that a lot of what I've learned in DB is really important and WHAT I WOULDN'T do to know this information a year ago. My question to you since you seem to have a better understanding of everything relationship related. How often does DB work in getting your partner back? I see and have experience a lot of positive come from GAL. Like I said, maybe because I am a state where I am realizing that my WAW and myself will not end up together I sound negative. I just want to make it clear that I have gotten a lot of positive from reading the book, getting coaching, and interacting with people in similar situations. But I will not reach my main goal which was to get my partner back and I wonder how more often it happens that people implementing DB reach the goal of getting their partners back? I read through the threads and it just doesn't seem to be often. And as much as that [censored] I know a lot of positive comes from DB.

[sandi2]

I just want to make it clear that I have gotten a lot of positive from reading the book, getting coaching, and interacting with people in similar situations. But I will not reach my main goal which was to get my partner back and I wonder how more often it happens that people implementing DB reach the goal of getting their partners back? I read through the threads and it just doesn't seem to be often. And as much as that [censored] I know a lot of positive comes from DB.

It would really be interesting to know how many D's were busted due to MWD's books, YouTube articles, and the DB forum.

I think "getting their partner back" is the initial goal of those who invest in the books, join the board, etc. People who implement the message of DBing, will leave being a stronger person than when they first arrived. We love to celebrate the news of another D busted, and we celebrate the Phoenix that arises from the ashes.

[Kwandoku]

Sandi, just wanted to thank you for your insights, candidness, and actionable lists!

I really do believe I'd be in a much worse state having not found DB and your posts. So again, thank you so much.

Through reading I've realised that my WAS is actually a WW.

I found evidence of her A today and confronted her - told her she'd no longer be staying in the MBR, and that we will be officially separating.

She is in deep denial and that the OM is just a friend. Yeah right, a "friend" she booked flights with to go to Singapore in April.

Up until this point I was implementing your list as best as possible in the hopes that we could work on our R when she comes out of her fog (when I still thought she was WAS/MLC rather than WW), but now, I can't imagine ever getting back to you.

Here's my thread if you'd some more context, and of course your feedback would be most welcome: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2837529&page=5

[sandi2]

Thank you for such kind words. I'm sorry to hear that your W is having an affair. It's good you find support from the DB board, and I hope you will stick with posting & reading.

[Kwandoku]

Hi Sandi, I think I'm at a critical juncture in my DBing and would love your guidance.

I'm about to have the discussion around the logistics of our separation tomorrow.

How do I remain detached without automatically making the D inevitable.

I've posted more details in my thread if you could have a look.

Thanks so much!

[lost8]

Hi Sandi

I updated my sitch as what you wrote struck a nerve as it was again spot on 100%! She said she would do anything at this point. Is this where I lay out the work that she would have to do or does that have to be offered?