First post here. What direction now??

[Cadet]

Oh...and CADET. Thanks for the initial post and the links. I will read them all. Nice to have a starting place with an organized group of articles. Thanks.

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[DC421]

Oh...and CADET. Thanks for the initial post and the links. I will read them all. Nice to have a starting place with an organized group of articles. Thanks.

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

More great advice. Had not thought of that. Thanks again.

[Ready2Change]

Hi DC,


This site helped me navigate my sitch when I divorced back in 2009. Been living as blended family with my lady since 11. Her D(16) lives with us full time, I have 2 kids(16,18) going back and forth weekly with their mother. My oldest(19) is away at college.


My 2 cents:


Forgiveness on your part is key for your personal growth. Remove blame from your thought process. Focus on your personal growth. Reflect back on what your role was in the end of your first marriage. Reflect back on your part off the issues that lead your current wife to stray. Decide what changes you would like to make to your behavior and belief systems. Come up with a plan and execute the plan.


Read as much as you can here. One thing I highly recommend is researching Non-negotiables and coming up with the list.



Things you need to do are counter-intuitive.

My first question:

1) how did you find out about A?

[DC421]

Hi DC,


Forgiveness on your part is key for your personal growth. Remove blame from your thought process. Focus on your personal growth. Reflect back on what your role was in the end of your first marriage. Reflect back on your part off the issues that lead your current wife to stray. Decide what changes you would like to make to your behavior and belief systems. Come up with a plan and execute the plan.


Read as much as you can here. One thing I highly recommend is researching Non-negotiables and coming up with the list.

Thanks Ready2Change! Good advice. I haven't looked that far back yet...still working on (hopefully) getting past the affair. I'm not sure I can...but I'm willing to try so I don't regret hasty decisions later.

Can you tell me more about "non-negotiables"? What exactly do you mean?

To answer your question: I had a feeling about the affair and confronted her. She admitted to it.

[DC421]

One word of caution, she eventually reached back out to the AP. I think it was one last "is it really over" moment. Do not be surprised if she does this. This is nothing less than a break up, so the usual break up emotions come into play.

Steve85 - quick question. How did you respond when you found out she went reached back out to the AP? Like I said, I'm almost expecting it. I could see myself throwing in the towel at that point.

[Ready2Change]

Can you tell me more about "non-negotiables"? What exactly do you mean?

These are the deal breakers for you. You express these to your W when she is begging you to take her back. Timing is very important.


Most start like this:

Confident H:"W, I am not sure how I feel about what you have just said. If I were to conciser staying married to you, at the MINIMUM I would insist on:


1) Zero contact with OM.
2) Full transparency. Phone password, Email passwords, FB passwords. Full access to phone anytime.
3) IC
.
.
.
7)

[Ready2Change]

Wife admitted to a 1 year affair a couple of months ago.

To answer your question: I had a feeling about the affair and confronted her. She admitted to it.

I am glad I asked for clarification. Initially I believed she freely admitted it to you.

Fast forward to now... wife tells me that she has ended the affair for good and wants to work on marriage.

She has since gone into complete silence toward me.

These two statements DO NOT LINE UP.

Asking for time to grieve and for me to leave her alone while she copes with this.

One month of grieving for every year of marriage is a rule of thumb for the LBS. Bet is it about the same for affairs.

I hate seeing her sad...it's my instinct to try and comfort and help.

New instinct is to be sceptical about everything she does and everything she says.
Do you understand crocodile tears?

[neffer]

Did she reach for AP or was only an hypothetical question?

[Ready2Change]

How did you respond when you found out she went reached back out to the AP? Like I said, I'm almost expecting it. I could see myself throwing in the towel at that point.

Be prepared for it. As soon as you get proof:

H:"W, you know what, I think our relationship has run it's course. You are obviously in love with someone else and I think it is best if we pack up your stuff so you can be with him. I will get the D paperwork started so we can both get on with our lives"

This is where the begging and crying may happen.

[Ready2Change]

Did she reach for AP or was only an hypothetical question?

hypothetical