One other thing.....I hated being in bed with her last night. I almost slept somewhere else. When she went to bed at the same time as me I was disappointed. I also found myself sleeping as close to the edge of the bed as I could.
It's like it's last year..... But I am her.
You are in your head too much. Our brains are our worst enemy.
Your wife is a flawed human just like you and I. Your job as her H is to love her, understand her and protect her. You have things you need to work on. Stay focused on your goals and personal growth.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
By the way, I am stepping away from commenting on other people's sitches right now. I am finding my reaction to other peoples posts as being jaded and flippant.
I understand. Posting on other peoples threads is very draining and rewarding at the same time.
I wish you well during this time.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Steve...I feel for you buddy. With the one year mark coming up for you for sure that's bringing back a ton of memories and causing you to evaluate your real progress relative to your expectations. Like I've said elsewhere I'm a firm believer in that divorce and moving on even though none of us want it is WAY easier than any of us ever admit how hard R'ing would be. I think you are just living some of that reality now. As you always tells us immediately after BD this process is a marathon not a sprint...I'm afraid that's as equally true on the R'ing side of things and honestly I wonder even if any of us get to R'ing...does it in fact ever really complete?
My best advice is as so many of us will do, take off the rest of the year from your sitch. Focus on the enjoyment of the season and make this year as memorable as can be to counter balance how last year turned out. I know you won't do anything rash. As I say in many other posts grant yourself the grace to enjoy this season, how far you have come from where you were and recharge your batteries for the journey still to come.
We have all noticed how not very many people keep posting during piecing and I think there are a couple reasons for that. Partly, it can be anticlimactic and there isn't much news to share. Some folks no longer feel that they need advice or the support of the board. Reading and posting here can be an emotional trigger. Then there are those LBS that ultimately end up being the ones to walkaway. I have no idea what percentage of LBS ended up walking away during, or after piecing, but I suspect it is quite a bit. And all of the piecers here that I have read (myself included) have had moments of self doubt or really considering ending it, and each to varying degrees. Just please know that if you do decide that this M is no longer for you, that is perfectly okay too.
I just hope you will take your time before making a big decision and try and put head over heart, as emotions are fleeting. Emotions aside, you can think about the following. Is she a good partner in general? Is she remorseful for her past actions? Is she willing to continuously look at herself and make changes? Only you know the answers to those questions. I also think it is okay for you to say something like this to her, "I am having some doubts and feeling distant. Please know that I am not making any decisions or changes. I just need some space and time to think right now. I hope you understand." If you feel yourself pulling back, it might be important to communicate so she does not draw her own conclusions.
Not sure if this helps, but I will share. Summer 2017, my family was at my families' summer cottage on the beach: it was me, H, and our 3 girls. This is a special place for me because I have been going there summers since childhood. We were 2.5 years into piecing, had done a year or so of MC, and had just done Retrouvaille and were completing it. From an outsider's perspective, it looked pretty good. Summer evening walks, kayaking with the kids, and lots of togetherness. But inside, I was suffocating. I kept looking at him and thinking, "Is this it? Is this how it is going to be for the rest of my life?" After that summer, something in me had changed. For several months I was completely checked out, told my H I was done and we needed to take care of logistics, and I started planning a life without him. I truly felt that way. I did and said a lot of things based on emotions.
The things I was doing and saying didn't make me feel better. I wasn't seeing what was really in front of me. I was letting my bitterness about our previous sitch justify my actions. I did and said a lot of things that would hurt him. What made it more complicated is that there are things about him and our M that I don't like. Because of the trauma of his A and our separation, we had not even addressed the underlying issues yet. Even after 2.5 years. .... Not to get too long winded here, but ultimately something changed for me. I felt myself going down a dark path and I had to shake myself out of it. I started to have thinking that made me understand being a WW or what it meant to have a MLC (if that is a real thing). Fortunately, I realized in that hazy thinking that no one could help me but me. I did not post much about it and still don't have a reason to. That is in the past now.
I was able to flip these switches off. It was so hard though. It felt safer than facing the pain of my M and how my H had hurt me. But, I also knew I had come too far to just throw it all away and all the previous reading I had done here sort of snapped me out of it. I didn't want to be THAT woman. And there was H standing tall and still willing to fight. Unfortunately, I had caused more damage. But perhaps some of that had to happen for me to see, that he is still a good man and a loyal partner. He didn't give up, even though I tried to. Now 1 year later we are in a different place. I am finally starting to make sense of all this. I think for me, it has taken so long because his assault was so huge and our separation was so awful. Sometimes we need to take a step back to see things more clearly. The mistake that I made, was letting my emotions take over my decision making.
I don't suggest or even think you would do anything like this. I just wanted to share because we each really need to go down our own path in this. The only person we can ever control is our self. And we cannot escape our past. So later, we all have to live with the consequences of our decisions. Tis always better to wait than react. Maybe just sit with your feelings for now. The holidays are tough when there is heartache. You may change your mind about her, but you may not. Either option is okay.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I started to have thinking that made me understand being a WW or what it meant to have a MLC (if that is a real thing).
Blu, this is EXACTLY how I feel! I even thought on the way into work this morning, "maybe this is what a MLC feels like". I have no desire to do any of the things I had been doing since Ring and piecing started. I used to call her at least once during the day (with a few exceptions due to workload) to check in. That feels to me right now like having to call and make a dentist appointment for a root-canal. I just have no desire to do it. The thought of greeting her at the door when I come in this evening feels like having to deal with a family member that you just don't want to deal with.
"....I was completely checked out, told my H I was done and we needed to take care of logistics, and I started planning a life without him."
This is what I feel like doing! I have tears in my eyes typing this but I can't explain it nearly as well as you already have. Checked out. I just wish I could hit a button and have all the hard work done and we'd both be living separately, all details would be worked out. If I had that button I have no doubt I would push it right this instant.
Maybe this will pass. Maybe I can find the switches to flip. IDK.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Text just came in asking me how my day is going. I took my team out to lunch for Christmas and she asked me how that went. I haven't responded..........
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve85, didnt realize your posts that you had posted all the while. Very happy to see your progress and I wish you the very best! Hope all goes well going forward without any hiccups.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
