Dealing with a WW Pt3

[SoTorn]

So now that I seriously dropped the hell out of the rope into the bottom of the sea, WW is being super nice lol and blowing my phone up with texts. WW texted me and said for the first time "My actions are not your fault, I do not blame you for the end of our marriage and for what I did to you".

I told WW that I am very busy and need to get to work. WW keeps texting about the kids, and gifts and about how they are spoiled etc. I will be glad if we can get along every day until I move out. I will be cordial to her. We can get along for the sake of the kids.

This is very, very, very common. She thinks you are both on the same page now with S and D. She no longer feels pressure, so can relax and be herself. WAW's feel like they have to be a raving b***** to the LBS to "force" him to want out of the M, which of course has the opposite effect. But once they think the LBS really is on board then they often swing to the opposite side and get super friendly. Doesn't mean anything, other than she no longer feels pressure.

Honestly she hasnt been a raving b****. Before BD yes, she was fighting and arguing with me daily. It was to the point where I was pursuing badly. I was very upset every single day.

Ever since BD, I have been working on detaching. Obviously, still not detached for real, but still working on the actions. WW has started a few arguments a few times. But for the most part she has just left me alone because I have been little to NC.

But yes, the outcome is the same, she no longer feels pressure. I did notice that she has taken to FB and started posting memories of way back when S was young. I don't know why. Don't really care why.

I am at work today but I am having a very hard time today. My manager wanted to speak with me. Just wanted an update on what was going on with me because he actually cares about me. I ended up getting very upset while talking to him. Fortunately, he is supportive. Everyone here at work is very supportive. I feel safe here at work.

But I know that at the end of the day I have to go home. My WW will be there. I don't want to see her. I actually feel like I am getting sick as well, which [censored] because this is a very bad time for me to be ill. Not like I have anyone to take care of me.

[MoveFrwd]

I told WW that I dont want to be married to her anymore and that I dont want to R

I reminded WW that this is her choice.

I think a lot of what you are saying is good.

But this line of thinking has me confused. YOUR actions are not HER choice. Why are you giving her that power? You are making the choice that you dont want to be with her anymore. And thats fine. But own it.

[SoTorn]

I mean that the choice to do what she did was hers. Her choice to have an affair. WW actually keeps asking me now "what is it you want, why do you want to move out?" I tell her that "I need to get away from her because I want to get on with my life and I cant tolerate her continued disrespect "

WW then started talking about her moving out. I know why she wants that. I know a lot here say dont move out but I really do not wish to live with her because of who she is. I honestly think I would end up hating her if I stayed here. I dont want that.

But I see why that may look like I'm giving her the choice for me to move or not. Even if she came begging and apologizing she has showed no action to prove that. I told her as much. I'm done. It hurts but loving IHS [censored]. Especially getting temp checked all the time.

[Phoenix9]

ST, I believe you will get a lot of vets telling you that IHS is never a good idea. It prolongs the pain. I made the mistake of IHS for almost 7 months before I decided to leave the house and basically do a 3 day out/3 day in schedule. Basically, I would be out of the house three days per week while W and D4 stay at the house. Then I would stay at the house the other three day while WW was doing WW stuff. The 7th day is technically a family day but I make an excuse not to be at the house at the same time she is there. While it was not ideal, and still not fully beneficial vs. moving out it started to get the DB process off the ground.

Are there friends you can stay at while WW is at the house? Or family?

[SoTorn]

ST, I believe you will get a lot of vets telling you that IHS is never a good idea. It prolongs the pain. I made the mistake of IHS for almost 7 months before I decided to leave the house and basically do a 3 day out/3 day in schedule. Basically, I would be out of the house three days per week while W and D4 stay at the house. Then I would stay at the house the other three day while WW was doing WW stuff. The 7th day is technically a family day but I make an excuse not to be at the house at the same time she is there. While it was not ideal, and still not fully beneficial vs. moving out it started to get the DB process off the ground.

Are there friends you can stay at while WW is at the house? Or family?

Unfortunately not. My dad said I can stay with him but he lives far. I may be able to ask my mom. She lives nearby. Idk. It's not concrete yet. I want to be off the mortgage at the house and I need the equity to get a fresh start. We have some savings the WW agreed I could use as well.

WW seems to be waffling on my request only after one day. It's odd because shes being nice now. I welcome the nice attitude even though I know it doesnt change or mean anything. IHS hurts badly. When WW is here anyway. I will be perfectly fine, planning my GAL and planning kids outings and I see her walk in that door and I get slammed with anger, resentment, sadness etc just from her sight.

Is this something you worked out with your W or did you just do it? Honestly she is usually gone for work, where she is with OM (but lies about it) for about a week at a time every other week. I actually find it much easier to detach when shes gone. But she doesnt see the DB because shes with OM. I enjoy her being gone. As opposed to the fact that when she was gone before I would be anxious, worrying etc because I knew she was with OM and she was lying out of her a$$.

[Phoenix9]

Is this something you worked out with your W or did you just do it?

She recognized that we needed to be physically apart after one of our fights. So we both agreed that seeing each other is not good right now. I did this for four months when I finally decided that I was not in the wrong and moved back in. I see her a lot less now because I am out so late.

Honestly, you need to be away from her as much as you can. Make excuses to go out when you know she is coming home. Hell, get in the car and drive somewhere!

You live in New Mexico, possibly Albuquerque? I always liked going to either the west end of town overlooking the city at night or on Tramway. And I would just look at the city lights and let my wind wander. It helped for a few moments to get my mind off of other life stuff happening at the time.

[SoTorn]

Yes Albuquerque. Are you here?

I have been leaving the house a lot. But I miss the kids. She does nothing with them. S11 just sits on the couch if I'm gone.

I feel strongly about moving out but I still have doubts. Idk. I just know I need to get away from her to heal. She is home tonight. Came home and cooked dinner. I'm actually ok today so I'm not super emotional. So seeing her didnt bother me.

But it will bother me eventually.

[Phoenix9]

I wish I was. I moved from there years ago. I still have family in New Mexico. I visit from time to time. I'll let you know if I head down.

I wouldn't move out until you get a hold of a lawyer. But I will say the sooner you distance yourself physically, the sooner you can begin the healing process.

Start coming up with excuses to be out of the house. Say you have to work late, or hanging out with friends, or some other thing. Kids are wonderful and all but they have their own lives they need to live.

Depending how your R is with your mom, I'd say you should definitely take shelter there.

Any excuse to GAL. Any excuse to not be in WW's vicinity.

[neffer]

ST, DB is for yourself. When you get there YOU’ll see it. Keep moving, keep DB man!

[SoTorn]

I wish I was. I moved from there years ago. I still have family in New Mexico. I visit from time to time. I'll let you know if I head down.

I wouldn't move out until you get a hold of a lawyer. But I will say the sooner you distance yourself physically, the sooner you can begin the healing process.

Start coming up with excuses to be out of the house. Say you have to work late, or hanging out with friends, or some other thing. Kids are wonderful and all but they have their own lives they need to live.

Depending how your R is with your mom, I'd say you should definitely take shelter there.

Any excuse to GAL. Any excuse to not be in WW's vicinity.

I have been out of the house a lot besides a few days. But I need to do it more. I already spoke with several L's. It really doesnt matter what I do. 50/50 assets here in NM. The custody is what matters and my WW seems to not be throwing that in my face as a threat at all. WW knows the kids are hurting badly and that they are very upset at her for this.

The few talks we have had about custody is 50/50 oriented. Of course I would like them more than that, but I don't want to fight.