Short story: Wife admitted to a 1 year affair a couple of months ago. Said she didn't know what she wanted to do...and asked for time and space. After about 2 weeks of being an emotional mess I stopped myself. I realize what she does is out of my control and I started focusing on me in a big way. Then I discovered this site and realized I was already doing a lot of the actions advised on here...and started doing many more from what I read. Things at home were actually going along fine...even though I know whe continues to see the A partner. Fast forward to now... wife tells me that she has ended the affair for good and wants to work on marriage. She has since gone into complete silence toward me. Asking for time to grieve and for me to leave her alone while she copes with this. I understand the emotions she is feeling as I believe she was in a very limerent relationship. What do I do now? I hate seeing her sad...it's my instinct to try and comfort and help. Do I just continue on with the actions that got me to this point...or is there another action while she grieves the end of the A?? As I type this questions...I think the answer becomes evident...but would be nice to hear from others who have "been there". Thanks in advance.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
You give her the time and space she is asking for and you listen and validate when she talks to you. What are your ages? Kids and how many? How long have you been married? Who is the affair partner?
This sounds promising but as a long time member of this board I have found that things don't usually turn around that easily. Only time will tell.
Short story: Wife admitted to a 1 year affair a couple of months ago. Said she didn't know what she wanted to do...and asked for time and space. After about 2 weeks of being an emotional mess I stopped myself. I realize what she does is out of my control and I started focusing on me in a big way. Then I discovered this site and realized I was already doing a lot of the actions advised on here...and started doing many more from what I read. Things at home were actually going along fine...even though I know whe continues to see the A partner. Fast forward to now... wife tells me that she has ended the affair for good and wants to work on marriage. She has since gone into complete silence toward me. Asking for time to grieve and for me to leave her alone while she copes with this. I understand the emotions she is feeling as I believe she was in a very limerent relationship. What do I do now? I hate seeing her sad...it's my instinct to try and comfort and help. Do I just continue on with the actions that got me to this point...or is there another action while she grieves the end of the A?? As I type this questions...I think the answer becomes evident...but would be nice to hear from others who have "been there". Thanks in advance.
After my W's EA in 2005 she went through a deep depression/sadness at the loss of the AP. All I could do is work on me, my 180s, detach, and GAL. I doubled down on detaching and GAL at the time, and let her work through her emotions.
One word of caution, she eventually reached back out to the AP. I think it was one last "is it really over" moment. Do not be surprised if she does this. This is nothing less than a break up, so the usual break up emotions come into play.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Welcome to the forum DC. You need your time too. Time to change yourself. Time is a key factor in all our sitches. Your W needs to come clean from her waywardness. And that takes time and self discovery. I was on her position some time ago. She needs to be free of AP addiction. So be prepared for high and low cycles of any kind of behavior. Can you control that? No, it’s her inner journey so you must let her free and work on yourself.
Has she shown any kind of regrets? Who ended the AP? Why?
Keep reading DC, keep learning. There’s a long road ahead. Start walking.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
You can work on yourself, take care of your children, etc, but the best thing you can do for her and your MR right now is to respect what she told you. She has to process/get through whatever she is going through by herself.
Yep, don't "comfort" her. She should be comforting you. She betrayed you. Has she been offering any help to you to make you believe she really ended it and wants to fully commit to your marriage?
How old are you two, how long have you been married, any kids, etc, religious, etc?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks so much for the quick responses! I'm sure you already know...but hearing from others that have been there is an amazing comfort. I'm very impressed with the number of you who have already replied...very, very helpful and comforting. I'll try to answer all the questions here:
We both have kids from previous marriages...none together. Most are grown and out of the house...a couple of her kids remain at home with us. We have been together for 6 years...married nearly 4. The AP was a co worker at a small job she had. She quit the job immeadiately after admitting to the A.
I'm expecting her to reach back out to the AP. She claims she made the decision to end it for all the good in our marriage and she felt we would both regret if we didn't try everything. I had been giving her ZERO pressure or suggestions to end it. I had completely stepped back and never even spoke of it unless she did. She has always claimed to be still deeply in love with me throughout the affair and she has never acted any other way - besides the obvious. She has shown a lot of regret thoughout the process. Not sure how much I believe is real.
I do believe she ended it. I don't have confidence that it will stick. She told the AP to never contact her but stopped short of blocking numbers or disconnecting on FB. I imagine he is trying. She told me he blamed me for her decision?? and was mad at me?? But I really don't care how he feels.
The only thing she offered to help be believe anything had changed (besides telling me) was when she recenlty worked late. This is normally when she would disappear for periods of time. She told me to come to her office, to call her, to check her online time card, etc. She was asking what she has to do to help me feel any small amount of trust to start moving forward. She has said she needs to grieve over this alone before she can work on our marriage. Everything I have read on limerence has her affair checking every box. Her affair partner has never been married, and lives with his parents (at 40+ years of age). She told me he's a financial mess and has a dead end job. My wife and I are well know in our community and share a similar purpose. We do a lot of work with children and families together. If our marriage ended, so would all of that. We have close relationships with all our kids and family. We are financially stable and if she walked away, that would put much more of a burden on her in all those areas. (I've met with my atty) For her not to see all of that is illogical...thus limerent. IMO.
I think that answers any questions...and then some! Seriously, just reading this posts and realizing how many have already been through this before is so calming and empowering. I have only confided this journey in one other person. I, for the first time in a long time, don't feel completely alone. Thank you!
Great advice and suggestions...I will read and re-read. Some great quotes too... "long road ahead so start walking".
Yes leave her be. She is grieving OM, which is patently unfair to you and your M and honestly ridiculous behavior for a married woman. Unfortunately you've got to bear it until she recovers. Since she expressed interest in WORKING on the M, then after she gets over it I would highly recommend you seek out MC. There are reasons she had an A to begin with and you have to start working through those issues to have a chance of future success in the M. Good luck and keep posting!
Oh...and CADET. Thanks for the initial post and the links. I will read them all. Nice to have a starting place with an organized group of articles. Thanks.
