Seeing some rays of light (pain18 DB IX)

[Phoenix9]

Is it always this incredibly painful when truly letting go?

[Ready2Change]

Is it always this incredibly painful when truly letting go?

I wish I could make the pain go away. Each of us is different. Morn the loss. Feel the pain.

Just know that things do get better. Pain2.0 will be much better having gone through this. You will be wiser. You will have more empathy for others. You will be sexier. You will have better sex. You will appreciate things more.


I wish you well brother.

[Adam04]

(()) pain. I can sense the pain...

I hope that the brunt of it will be short and swift, and that the rest of it will be a dull ache. And later, after that, maybe the feelings will one day subside, and the lingering will just a reminder of something that once was.

I hope you find peace and some comfort knowing you are not alone.

[Phoenix9]

Day 142,

One month. I made it one month without breaking down. Two months since I have not slept well in consecutive days.

The last three days have been miserable. More truths coming to light, more failed temp checks, and more forcing myself to live through this mess.

I went through burned's thread and read amoafwl's post of WW running on pure emotion. Then I ask myself, "What if she is not a WW? What if this was an agreed upon split?" Then I go back and recall clearly that it was supposed to be a trial, with me never agreeing to the no dating part. I even tried to date against my will and it felt so wrong.

W is a WW. That was told by many of the veterans here.

I'm running on auto-pilot. I don't have GAL plans tonight, and I don't want to come home. This place is a fortress.

To work I go.

[Phoenix9]

Day 143,

I seem to be feeling a little better. I still woke up in a panic, which may be the norm for awhile. Good sleep has been difficult.

I have been thinking of what to get W for Christmas, if I do get her anything. I was thinking of giving her some cash along with a note along the lines of not forcing love and setting her free and whatnot. But I go back and forth.

I am still kicking myself for the conversation I had with WW this past weekend. And if I should ever get the chance again, I need to remember that my feelings do not matter and that I just need to validate.

Driving home last night following my workout, I thought about how the first 7 months of this, I slowly descended towards rock bottom. Rock bottom being the point where I started to believe that D is no longer a fantasy but something that may take hold. And that once I started to accept that R is not guaranteed I can start the process of truly rebuilding myself (DBing). If things were balanced and fair (hah), I should come out of the other side in 7 months (3 months left). Of course things never work out that way and I may be looking at living and growing painfully through all of 2019 as well. Only difference is that I KNOW 2019 will be better than 2018 due to the changes I have made and the lessons I have learned. I look back with pride and tell myself that I have made a lot of positive changes and have grown considerably.

I spend a good portion of my day on these forums, checking messages, giving updates, and reading and inputting to other folks' sitches. My heart sunk when I stumbled upon a post that said that 90% of the folks who post here end up getting divorced. The other 10% were just fortunate that things somehow started to work out. Is it still considered being attached if I still hold on to hope? Or do I need to let go of that as well?

I also referred to my previous posts and always question myself if there was true progress being made or if I was fooling myself. I know now that it's all one big question mark.

For folks who have gone through this and who can confidently say that nothing is guaranteed, it is something that they had to find out the hard way. No matter how many people told them hard it is going to be, or how nothing was guaranteed, nothing will become reality until the LBS can fully grasp the awfulness of their situation and truly let go. I am starting to believe the same. And that terrifies me. But at the same time, I cannot run away from it like I used to. Because I have done that before and it just made problems worse.

I have D4 and the house to myself tonight. I may bake brownies with her and get an unhealthy dinner. Not sure yet.

[lost8]

Love the unhealthy dinners....but make sure you get your workout in! Don't give up the new you.

[Ready2Change]

I have D4 and the house to myself tonight. I may bake brownies with her and get an unhealthy dinner. Not sure yet.

Eat three for me

[ballast]

pain...

-you're W is in a PA w/OM and you are thinking of what to get her for Christmas?
-just because 90% of folks may get divorced does not necessarily mean they stay that way
-NO ONE has accurate statistics on that stuff anyway, let it go
-the only progress you can truly measure is your own
-the truth (no matter what it is, nor matter how much we fight it) is always the truth. at some point we each have to reach acceptance of it.
-you and D4 having the house to yourself tonight, baking brownnies and dinner...THAT is good stuff right there! :-)

hang tough buddy...

-B

[LH19]

I have been thinking of what to get W for Christmas, if I do get her anything. I was thinking of giving her some cash along with a note along the lines of not forcing love and setting her free and whatnot. But I go back and forth.

This is part of the reason why the D rate is so high because you are 7 months in and make this statement. That statement is insane 7 months in that means you haven't listened to anything anyone ha told you. Most people by the time they get here have done a ton of damage and most continue to make the same mistakes seven months in.

I spend a good portion of my day on these forums, checking messages, giving updates, and reading and inputting to other folks' sitches. My heart sunk when I stumbled upon a post that said that 90% of the folks who post here end up getting divorced. The other 10% were just fortunate that things somehow started to work out.

I made that statement and I do not have the numbers to back it up. Based on my perception of being here for 4 years.

Is it still considered being attached if I still hold on to hope?
No you can be detached and hold onto hope. As long as it doesn't effect you from moving forward in your life. I wouldn't say I hold onto to hope but if my ex was to come to me and commit to doing the work on my terms I would consider a reconciliation. It doesn't stop me from living my life.

[quote=pain18] I also referred to my previous posts and always question myself if there was true progress being made or if I was fooling myself. I know now that it's all one big question mark.

Depends on what you mean. Progress in yourself? Most likely if you are putting in the work. Progress with W? Not if she is in an affair.

For folks who have gone through this and who can confidently say that nothing is guaranteed, it is something that they had to find out the hard way. No matter how many people told them hard it is going to be, or how nothing was guaranteed, nothing will become reality until the LBS can fully grasp the awfulness of their situation and truly let go.

You don't believe it now but you will get to a point where you will realize that you are done with the BS and move on.

[Wanted1]

As LH pointed out, he was just throwing the 90% number out based on his perception. Even if he is right on the money, there are still 10% that don't. And of the 90% that do get divorced, there are some that R after D. Joe2017 is a perfect example. His sitch would be included in that 90% figure and now, only a year later, his wife is begging him to R.