So i think its quite obvious that you had worked so hard for the marriage and turned around with all your might and you seem exhausted with the entire process and tired of doing it anymore. You are probably expecting your spouse to carry some weight! I feel you should NOT have this expectation. What you are forgetting is the time and effort it took for your to turnaround things and make this work. Your spouse may / never realize the effort you have put in but she is also going through her piecing effort step by step. So yes you cannot expect everything to happen soon and fast enough for you to realize the changes. It will take its own pace. You being upbeat, confident and easy going with regular checks going forward will help this relationship prosper very well into the future..
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Sometimes I remember that euphoric feeling of freedom to be on my own, free of responsibilities and to be able to meet with OW...mind plays awful games...those feeling last till you reach your pillow...
Have a good rest, meet your pillow and take your TIME to relax Steve. W is there, avoid anxiety. Your boat is sailing and your family is on board.
Sending you a big hug my friend. Ease your mind now. You are doing good.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Blu and Steve: "inside, I was suffocating. I kept looking at him and thinking, "Is this it? Is this how it is going to be for the rest of my life?" After that summer, something in me had changed. For several months I was completely checked out, told my H I was done and we needed to take care of logistics, and I started planning a life without him. I truly felt that way. I did and said a lot of things based on emotions."
Wow! This is helpful. We all have particular situations, but Blu, your words bring to mind a lot of what my W has been telling me lately. I don't want to hijack Steve's thread, but beyond what you shared, what else brought you out of that feeling you expressed in the first paragraph above?
Steve, it almost sounds like you have flipped a switch. I've followed along for a while here and it seems to me it was just "yesterday' that things were going great. Now, obviously by yesterday I don't mean Tuesday but most certainly in the last month. It seems like you started to hit a speed bump with the kissing which has snowballed all the way to where you are today. It's like you flipped a switch and all of the work you did, the changes that were made, the W that was heading out the door is back and engaged - and now you don't want that anymore??? And it would almost seem like you don't want it because she is not kissing you the way you want to be kissed - wah wah wah, stomp your feet and pout. Again, this may be too greatly simplified but from where I sit, at a glance, it seems to be the case.
Do you really want to lose all of the ground you've gained?
My other major thought is you may be really spoiled. I say that because your W and M turned around far faster than most any here do - and let's be honest, most don't turn around at all but when they do it takes far longer than it took you. Well perhaps not??? Perhaps it will take you and your W longer than just the relatively short time that has passed and you are more average or typical than you want to think. Things just don't fall back into place as quickly as you've experienced. But that doesn't mean it's time to give up. It just means your sitch may be more like the others here rather than the outlier and front-runner you were hoping for. There is no switch - it takes a lot of time together with a lot of work.
Just some honest and frank comments for you to consider.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Thanks to all. Too be honest I don't care about the kissing. I really don't. I mentioned it earlier just as a red flag based on Sandi's belief that it is a red flag.
This really had nothing to do with her and with what she is or isn't doing. It's hard to describe. I just feel like there is something else out there for me. Don, you're right, my sitch is turning out to be more typical than I originally thought. I'm ok with that. But I guess I'm losing patience for it. The pre BD frustrations are back, and I'm questioning what I thought I wanted so badly.
Nutcrac is right. I think I'm tired of the struggle. When the other house sells I don't even like the thought of MC again. I am going to get back into IC and tried to find what it is I want.
Is this selfish? Yeah I think it is but for some reason, I don't care.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Any chance how you are feeling now has to do with the deadline you used to have in your signature block Steve?
-B that thought crossed my mind! It hit me this morning getting ready for work that maybe the deadline of the year passing had something to do with it. It just might. Maybe in my mind I thought, "ok the experts say to give it a year so I'll do that." In the meantime I've come to grips with life after marriage. It is very possible.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think posters (us included) often bring our own feelings and experiences into our responses based on our past, and we often do so unknowingly. Keep in mind peoples' backgrounds as you read their opinions and advice to you. And I am no exception! I come from a different position than a lot of the others and I have to be mindful of that too. Most of the posters here are currently DBing to get their M back or were not able to reconcile their M. They have feelings about you getting her back and it happening quickly, but they are not in your shoes. I don't think it is fair to say, "careful what you wish for." I also don't think it's fair to suggest that you may make a mistake and blow it because of how you feel today, and that does not HAVE to be your truths. You are entitled to your own feelings and process the same as anyone else! You should feel no guilt because your W came back and that does not oblige you to have more appreciation for her because others' Ws have not. You have still endured your own hurts.
I think you owe it to yourself to really listen to these feelings. There is no hurry to sort through them quickly, just as there is no timeline for how long it takes to fully reconcile the M. I personally have completely given up on those sort of timelines and expectations. And when I take the pressure off of myself, I feel even safer overall. Look, your W really hurt you. No she didn't take off and have an A with your friend for 10 months (like mine did), but that does not mean you don't feel what you feel. She still betrayed you. This last year has been hard. And it sounds like there are still things about her and this M that are not working for you. That is perfectly okay. Perhaps you had an expectation that you should be in a different place by now and you are frustrated? I am sorry.
I think we all need to accept where we are at today and give up some of that control. You can DB or piece perfectly, but us people and Rs will never work out completely smooth. We are all flawed. Things will fall into place over time. This doesn't mean you have to act on these feelings. You don't need to tell her you want D, or separation, or that things are hopeless, etc. No decisions need to be made when feelings are still changing. Why not create some time and space for yourself and just respectfully let her know where you are at? I see no harm in any of that.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Yeah. I have. It's impossible to do the study and research and reading that I've done and not change. I am way better today than I was a year ago. Today I'm a man only a fool would leave. But I'm also a man that knows his own Worth to the point where now he's wondering if sticking around with somebody who was willing to hurt him is even worth his time. And I don't say that to be cruel to her. But remember, this is our second go-round. Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
