The singing app is a trigger for you and rightly so. W should know that and stop using it.
Now it might have zero applicability in my sitch, but whatever...I've done a great bit of reading on recovery from infidelity and how that goes. And while it seems to be doable, it does seem as though for the betrayed the timeline for recovery is much longer than the betrayed or the wayward would like to believe. If you assess your sitch by the deadline you used versus the likely reality of how long this process may truly take, then that will create tension for you.
The other thing here is you have been so much of a help to so many people on here. I wonder if perhaps you are too involved at times particulary now that you are R'ing. Has your mind by virtue of what you read and share herein, transformed your thought process relative to your sitch? Bottom line has all that you've done and read here got you thinking too much? I very much like Blu's words to you:
Originally Posted by Blu
I think we all need to accept where we are at today and give up some of that control. You can DB or piece perfectly, but us people and Rs will never work out completely smooth. We are all flawed. Things will fall into place over time. This doesn't mean you have to act on these feelings. You don't need to tell her you want D, or separation, or that things are hopeless, etc. No decisions need to be made when feelings are still changing. Why not create some time and space for yourself and just respectfully let her know where you are at? I see no harm in any of that.
Wow a lot of good insight in these last few posts.
Steve I said before we are very similar in our sitches. This is my second go round with a WW, last was 10 years ago and we were able to quickly sweep that one under the rug and I was so relieved to be able to rid her of her OM quickly. But I never made any changes at that time so that I would be prepared for this...honestly never thought it could happen again because of the deep emotional experience that we both had from the first A.
You have followed my sitch and have seen that I have detached and rope dropped a bit quicker than I thought and had been pushing for D multiple times along the way. I think you are absolutely right about why you are Ring, to save the family and most importantly your D...exactly the same here. I am very traditional family, Catholic, etc parents been married 50+ years and I believe in the stability for my children and would sacrifice anything for them. I have taken a stance that I will remove my emotions from my sitch regardless of what my W does, whether she is still a WW or not but being a Business major am treating it like a business with her. It can suck at times but I know I can do it because I have a responsibility to my kids.
I am still working on myself everyday, at work, personally, physically, mentally, etc and still interacting with my W like she is a human being unlike before but Just like you I see no reason to do it other than for me and my kids. There is a pattern in my W of hurt and abuse that she has taken out on me....I can't change that. Why would I want to stay with someone like that? I no longer love her.
We talk about all of the changes that we are making and 180s etc but in reality aren't we looking for a partner that accepts us as we are? No one is perfect and we can all be better but will we really become that different of a person? If someone does not love and accept us for who we are is it worthy of a relationship?
Definitely have some thinking to do, you and me both, but my real 180 is that I am putting true thought into my future now to do what is best for me and my kids...not her.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Thanks -B. That's all very astute. When she first talking about Ring she gave up the app. She went into a deep depression. I told her to keep singing because that is what makes her happy. I still feel that way today. I'd rather she be happy and singing rather than depressed. The singing isn't really a trigger for me.
I also like your observations on trying to help others and they impact. And you're right, there has been some, no doubt. That's why now that I'm having these feelings I'm pulling back on other people's threads. I need to clear my head and think. Blu was so right and I'm not going to do anything rash. I have s hard time hiding my feelings, especially negative ones. But I did a good job of that while DBing so I need to dig deep and do that. I've slipped back into treating her like the cashier at the store and I think that's what she's feeling.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just notice a weird anomaly on mobile. In landscape mode signatures show. When in portrait mode they don't. Weird.
Anyway, lost 8 yes you and I sitches are very similar! I'm glad you're feeling similar things. One thing I've been thinking a lot is my D goes to college in 2 years. I'll definitely be reassessing things then.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I just wanted to hop on here and say thank you for all the good words and advice you gave to me.
I totally get why you want to cut back on posting, and I can understand that it can be a bit much.
But I do agree with what I’ve seen on here—just be present to enjoying the holidays (for yourself, and with your W) and don’t do anything rash.
Tomorrow is the Winter Solstice—it’s the darkest day of the year, and it is my hope that this current state will be the darkest for you, and the light gradually overtakes the darkness.
Good luck in your sitch, and I hope you and W are able to enjoy the holidays.
There needs to be some kind of transitional techniques for piecing. I'm sure there are, but we are so focused on DB here that it can probably get in the way of recon.
I find myself doing DB things when my XW contacts me, like I will consciously avoid responding to her texts within a certain time frame. Or I validate her feelings in an empty kind of way so that I don't have to invest myself emotionally.
Steve, maybe you need to do some "opposite DB" stuff. Nothing that goes against what Sandi says regarding a woman's respect, but more like...
Maybe she's NOT always lying. Maybe temp checks aren't always bad. Maybe she isn't manipulating you all the time. Maybe it's OK for her to sleep in the MBR. (Lol j/k)
I guess what I'm saying is that if you are truly committed to each other, maybe your guard needs to come down. She has to become your ally again, and you have to let her. Sure, she should prove herself, but when will her work be "good enough" for you to trust again?
Hell, maybe you are having a hard time letting go and loving her. These things take time. You can't rush them.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Thanks Bo. Appreciate it. It is exactly like Blu described it. I feel suffocated. I think I'll list out pros and cons later. But the weird thing is that as I say that I'm thinking all I can think of right now is negatives. Such a weird a feeling.
Last edited by Steve85; 12/20/1803:01 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Its exhausting being the one to have to be "on" at all times. Youve spent the last year thinking/calculating every move/action/thought about how to get where you are now. You have to be constantly considering what is best for you, for D, for your M and making sure that there is alignment between those things....always. I can imagine the toll that it must take on you to be "the rock" for the family.
On the other side, your W has done....what....exactly? Youve spent the last year analyzing yourself, reviewing your actions, learning about relationships, reading books, etc. In the meantime, she has gotten to coast by. How is she different today than she was a year ago? How is she showing her commitment to the R? She got all of the stability she wanted, she got the new house. And what did she do to earn them?
My point is NOT that you should leave her. My point is that you need to be discussing this with her. You need to be discussing this with her with professionals to elp navigate this. I hear in your tone "she is remorseful, but not remorseful enough." So what will tat take? What would that look like? I can surely say that singing with OM is not IT. That is not a great way of her showing you that she is committed to the R. That she is commited to you. That she respects you.
So I would say that your feeling s seem natural. But deleting the app and pretending that it doesnt bother you feels like Steve1.0. Running away and sulking at the edge of the bed sounds like Steve1.0.
Right Steve. Feelings. And feelings are real and they are yours. Then you need time and space. Take them.
Ease your mind and relax man. Time, space and patience. You know that. Keep away from other sitches. You have done an enormous job here and it has taken its toll. Thank you for been there man. You are one of the lighthouses of this site.
Liked very much what Blu wrote on her last post here. And Amoafwl´s post above.
Patience, time and avoid those negative feelings. PMA please.
Coming from the other side makes me try to push you to keep piecing with your W. I´m not in your shoes, I know. So I agree that you must have that talk with her. But not in your actual mood. Take your time, get rid of anxiety. Those hard feelings may have a destructive power and they are somehow volatile too. So, apply some DBing to yourself.
My thoughts are with you and your family. And my best wishes too.
(((Steve)))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
