Wanted to add another thought that I had and would like some feedback so I can understand this better.
This is my second marriage. In my first marriage, I was the WAS. We got together when I was 17 (she was 21) and had a child. She was physically and emotionally abusive towards me throughout the whole relationship/marriage. We separated (I left) and went to counseling and got back together, but I never felt the same, I felt like I didn’t feel ANYTHING for her. No anger or hate, I just didn’t care about her. After 8 months I left and we divorced.
So I’ve been on both sides of the fence (WAS and now LBS). I figured this would help me understand my W. But in my case, when I was ready for divorce, I didn’t feel anything towards my ex W. I wasn’t angry or resentful, I actually felt sorry for her.
So are women and men different? Is it normal that my W hates me so much she wants to divorce? Or am I a cold hearted person? I guess it doesn’t matter but I’d like to understand what fuels my W’s anger and rage...is it love underneath?
Your wife could be in crisis. If she is, the anger is being fueled by her because she thinks she missed out on something along the way. You have to understand...it's not you, but her. The only way that she thinks that she can get to where she needs to be is to be angry. She can't allow herself to be calm and settled because deep down, she knows that is she isn't angry, she can't move forward w/a divorce.
Right now, all that matters is that you focus on you and your life. You didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her. No matter what you did or didn't do, she wouldn't be happy. It's all about what transpired when she was a child. She's suffered from being emotionally stunted a long time ago and actually needs to find herself and grow up.
Dig deeper for patience and try to keep the focus on you. That is what is important right now. Leave her to stew in her own little world.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, thank you so much for your response. It really puts a different perspective on how I’m viewing this whole situation. I know she is in crisis, and it’s hard for me to see her this way. Not because I want to get back with her, but because I care about her as a person. I know she is suffering and I feel bad because there is nothing I can do to help her. I know that it isn’t my fault or my problem and that is why NC is the best option for both of us. I hope that she can grow out of this and be happy, with or without me in her life. But that is out of my control.
Again I really appreciate you putting this into perspective for me. It helps me to not feel so guilty as she has made me feel that it’s all my fault. I am going to take your advice and concentrate on me and my life.
All you can do is listen and validate how she feels. When she's ranting, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then change the subject or walk away. Do not continue to engage in arguments or her baiting tactics.
NC is actually for you. It is to help you get grounded and focus on you and what you need to do to survive. Always remember, you did not break her, therefore you can't fix her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hello all, need to vent a little. Have had no contact all week. Been feeling good, I am accepting that fact that’s it’s over, but I still feel angry towards her for our fight last week.
Tonight (Friday) she texted me and said “Hi (lost) how are you? When can we talk?” So I said “about what” and she said “I thought you were going to work on the divorce and you never got back to me” so I said “can’t talk now”. About 20 minutes later she texted me again “I feel bad that we are like this. You always say that you’ll be there for me and things like that, and look now you won’t talk to me and you only want to fight with me”. I said “it’s better that we don’t talk” and she said “let’s just get divorced and you’ll never hear from me again if thats what you want” I didn’t respond.
(Here comes the venting aka what I wanted to say lol): If that’s what I want?? Of course that’s not what I want and you know that!! I want us to work it out and grow as a couple and make this work. You’re the one giving up. I can’t be your friend or see you or even be there for you . It hurts too much and you don’t deserve it.
I know I could make things easier for her and file myself and get it over with. But the whole time we were together and even after BD I always tried to make life easy for her. Now it’s on her, she has my address to file for divorce and have them serve me the papers. In my state you can apply to file for divorce for free and they even have free legal aid. So there is nothing stopping her from filing.
Seems weird that she’s texting me on a Friday night about divorce. Shouldn’t she be out partying it up or something? I’m actually afraid to have a convo with her. I just know she’ll start attacking me again and I cant take it. My plan is to have no contact with her unless she specifically comes to me and says that she wants to work it out (and now I know exactly how to take it from there). At this point I don’t think that will happen, so I’m working on getting over it day by day. If you have any other advice or comments I’d love to hear it and as always I appreciate you guys, I’d be really lost without this community!
I’ve been feeling stronger each day and now have accepted that my M is over. I don’t feel that cloud of depression over me and finally feel excited about the future and my goals this year.
I was remembering something last night (New Years eve). Last New Years we were apart (we were relocating to a different state and I went first), I remember that she said that this was the last New Years that we’d be apart and that 2018 would be a great year for us etc. Now this year not even a merry Christmas or happy new year from her. I don’t feel sad though, and I’m thankful for that.
I was thinking about her text the other night (in my post above) and I wonder if ever she misses me. I would like to save my marriage but at this point I don’t know what else I can do. I work with my brother in law (W’s sister’s husband) and yesterday he told me that W is depressed, sad looking, and extremely thin. He said that he can see it in her eyes. I just said “I’m sorry to hear that, I hope she feels better”. I never talk about W or anything with him but sometimes he mentions these things to me and I just validate.
If she really wants a D and to be done with me and have me out of her life completely (even though I already am, just need the D to confirm it), then why is she so sad? Isn’t this what she wants?? And to refer to her text the other night (post above) why does she say that “if that’s what I want”, when she is the one that wants this? I just don’t know if there’s something else I should be doing or just keep NC and hoping one day she reaches out? Thank you all!
Hello all, some news here. I know this is a divorce busting forum, but my update is exactly the opposite. Since my last post, two days later I decided to throw in the towel, and agreed to sign a divorce agreement with her at the courthouse. The agreement we came to allowed me to keep the house (that I live in) so I agreed, and it allowed me to work on my real estate investing goals freely. I am officially divorced. This was almost 4 weeks ago. The first week she kept contacting me (to ask random questions etc) then turned into attacking me (saying it's all my fault, im an evil person, i was so bad to her etc etc). So 3 weeks ago I blocked her completely. No communication whatsoever.
I've been feeling great since then (or so I thought - I'll get to that). I don't think about her, I started a much better job and have been really busy with working on my goals. I haven't felt depressed or anxious at all, and being out of her "merry go round" of emotions has really stabilized my life. Yes, now I'm alone and I've accepted it. I don't feel bad about it and I truly am excited about the future. I figured that she hates me and that's that.
Earlier today, I was at my ex-BIL's house (my ex-SIL's husband - I used to work with him) doing some work on the house. He asked me "have you talked to (ex)?" I said "No, I haven't had any contact with her for a few weeks". He said "I want to show you something but don't tell her I showed you" and he sent me a screenshot of her facebook post from this morning. This is what it said word for word "Some nights I remember us, and I try to act strong all the time but I still miss you and need you. Sometimes I so strongly need a hug from you and you to tell me that everything will be ok, and that calm, secure feeling that I could only get from you. It hasn't been easy but I know its for the best for both of us. It's been hard for both of us, I will always wish you the best in life because that's what you deserve. Thank you for the years you dedicated to me, we both grew together, by your side I became a grown, mature woman. I am left with the best memories that we lived together, there were many. I promise from now on I will only remember the best things about you, even though my life will never be the same" Attached were 8 pics of her and I, our wedding day and other random nice pics of the two of us. (BTW, I don't have facebook so I highly doubt she posted it thinking I'd see it, I'm pretty sure she figured I'd never see this post)
I acted like I didn't care, because I really didn't read it in front of him. When I got home I read it over and over and actually started crying. I felt like I was stronger then this. I know it's too late since I am divorced, but it made me second guess my decision to some degree. I know I had to get on with my life, but should I have waited longer? I guess theres nothing I can do now, I just wanted to vent. I just had no idea she felt this way.
If you felt it was right then that was the right thing to do. Dont feel bad about crying. You loved your W. We all loved our WAS/WS. We had a lot of great times with them. No shame in being emotional. Obviously she is still thinking about you. But that doesnt mean you didnt make the right decision.
I am counting the days until I move out of my home and file myself. I no longer love my WW. She hurt me too badly doing what she did and with the constant emotional abuse. I deserve much better.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Another small update, long story short she dog-sat for me (I had to go out of town for 3 days, so i brought the dog to her house). That day we didn't talk much but she told me that there would be no more fighting or negativity from her part and she apologized to me for what happened before. I said same here no negativity or fighting and we shook on it. Since then she's been texting me every couple days with random questions (if you can't tell thats her way of starting a convo? she's weird and too proud...). Sometimes I answer later in the day, sometimes next day, not a priority at all, and keep it straight to the point.
Yesterday, I wanted to experiment a little (since I have nothing to lose at all and don't really care much at this point). She texted me in the morning to ask me something unrelated, and instead of answering her question, I said "lets grab lunch". She said "Im working today so I can't but we can another day". Then she said "But remember the problems we had the last time we tried? I don't want that to happen again " I said "There won't be any problems from me", and she said "But what's your intention with this?" I said "nothing" and she said "So?" "You want us to get back together, that's what you want?" and I said "No, it's just lunch". Then she said "Sorry I'm working but we will another day ok"
Kind of weird she brought up us getting back together? I'm just going to sit back and wait and see if she accepts my invite for another day, but if you all have any feedback I'd appreciate it.
