I think posters (us included) often bring our own feelings and experiences into our responses based on our past, and we often do so unknowingly. Keep in mind peoples' backgrounds as you read their opinions and advice to you. And I am no exception! I come from a different position than a lot of the others and I have to be mindful of that too. Most of the posters here are currently DBing to get their M back or were not able to reconcile their M. They have feelings about you getting her back and it happening quickly, but they are not in your shoes. I don't think it is fair to say, "careful what you wish for." I also don't think it's fair to suggest that you may make a mistake and blow it because of how you feel today, and that does not HAVE to be your truths. You are entitled to your own feelings and process the same as anyone else! You should feel no guilt because your W came back and that does not oblige you to have more appreciation for her because others' Ws have not. You have still endured your own hurts.
I think you owe it to yourself to really listen to these feelings. There is no hurry to sort through them quickly, just as there is no timeline for how long it takes to fully reconcile the M. I personally have completely given up on those sort of timelines and expectations. And when I take the pressure off of myself, I feel even safer overall. Look, your W really hurt you. No she didn't take off and have an A with your friend for 10 months (like mine did), but that does not mean you don't feel what you feel. She still betrayed you. This last year has been hard. And it sounds like there are still things about her and this M that are not working for you. That is perfectly okay. Perhaps you had an expectation that you should be in a different place by now and you are frustrated? I am sorry.
I think we all need to accept where we are at today and give up some of that control. You can DB or piece perfectly, but us people and Rs will never work out completely smooth. We are all flawed. Things will fall into place over time. This doesn't mean you have to act on these feelings. You don't need to tell her you want D, or separation, or that things are hopeless, etc. No decisions need to be made when feelings are still changing. Why not create some time and space for yourself and just respectfully let her know where you are at? I see no harm in any of that.
Blu
Thanks Blu, all good stuff. I'll ruminate on this for a while. Your right I can't help how I feel. I feel like AS has said so many times about LBSs, how many get to a point where they don't want the marriage anymore. I feel like that's where I've gone. Time will tell.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am piecing now too and I must admit that I have some of the same things bouncing around in my head. It is hard HARD work to overcome the betrayal I felt. I think it taints my ability to make emotional commitments, and so in some ways I feel like I may never be able to open up to her. Because that would mean that I'd be vulnerable.
It's like, all of the DB techniques became so ingrained that I am having trouble transitioning from the "store clerk" mentality. When I open up, I get scared.
Let me ask you something.
1. Why did you want to recon in the first place? 2. Did something change? Stress? Work? Wife? 3. Does anything make you happy right now?
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
1 To save our family, for my D, and because I didn't think I could find happiness elsewhere. Plus because of the religious aspect as well.
2. Work has been stressful, but that's not it. W did sing on the singing app with OM. I should explain that how it works is someone sings a song, and anyone can join it. W joined one of OM opens. Then they can comment and he left a couple. She has joined a couple of his before and it didn't bother me. This time it did. It felt disrespectful. She has said before to tell her who I don't want her to sing with and she won't. But I don't want to have to do that. Does that make sense. I should also point out that I was having these feelings even before that. I mean she isn't leaving me for this idiot. He lives 900 miles away, is unemployed, lives with his elderly father, and is an excon. I guess I don't want overreactions to this, because it really isn't about him. It's about me feeling like I don't want to do this anymore. I'm more concerned about her and her issues that I had ignored throughout Ring. Many of the things I didn't like in MR 1.0, that I convinced myself aren't important, are starting to eat at me again.
3. Yes. Tonight I'm going Target shooting with a good friend. My hunting trips this fall were awesome. When my daughter and I are interacting (she's a full blown teen now) I really enjoy that. Accomplishments at work are fulfilling. I love the new house. I know there is nothing related to her right now on this list but that could be because of how I currently feel.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
This morning I feel a little better. She's giving me space, I guess despite my best efforts she senses a change, and I think that really helped. I took my D to school this morning and have an appointment later in the morning. I'll stay around the appointment location until then. I guess the weird thing for me right now is not wanting to be home with her. It's such a weird, unusual feeling. Last night I had to be somewhere, got home around 10 and went to bed. She came to bed after I was asleep and I was so relieved. This morning I'm trying to think of things to do after my appointment so I don't have to go home. It's so weird. I think this is how she felt after BD. I remember being home and she'd be gone for a long time getting things see the grocery store after taking D to school because I was off or working from home. It's as if now she's all in and I'm wayward.
She texted me yesterday to see how my day was. I told her briefly and she then responded, love you. I responded love you and she asked are you sure? Temp check. I said, yes, of course. She responded with emojis.
Last night when I was leaving for the meeting she gave me a kiss and said love you. I said LY2. She then said, you don't still hate me? I said what? I never hated you. Temp check #2.
This morning when I left she came t door to kiss me. I said see you later. I think she was testing for me to initiate an ILY. I didn't.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I don't know what DB is; it seems like everyone on this forum has some sort of notion of what DB is and what DB isn't and there's a lot of conflicting advice.
Given that, doodler's philosophy is that when your marriage crumbles is when the hero's journey begins. I'm pro-marriage, but I completely agree with Cadet; if you've come to this site, then most likely your marriage is already over. That doesn't mean that you won't remain married to the same person, but that old marriage is over. It's done. It's gone.
What I believe, and it may not be DB, is that most spouses who are making changes, are making changes to rescue the marriage by way of providing incentives for the wayward spouse to remain in the marriage. Everyone says, "I'm working on myself" and that may well be true, but clearly the objective is to woo the other spouse to remain in the marriage. If that's the case, then what the LBS is actually doing is devoting their whole life to pursuit of the other spouse. Yep,it's full-on pursuit and you can bet that at some level the other spouse knows it.
In my opinion, when bomb day occurs, the LBS needs to shift into hero mode. The fair maiden that the LBS has to rescue is their own life (and their children's lives). The marriage is over, but there's no reason that the LBS can't move on to a bigger and better life than before. Building a better life for the LBS and children is the objective (as opposed to rescuing the marriage). If the old spouse decides to come along on the journey, then maybe that can be considered, but it's not the objective.
The issue I have with DB, as presented in this forum, is that the LBS is constantly trying to "game" the old marital relationship. You do the 180, act as-if, go dark and all of the other stuff. F*ck the games. Move on. Games keep the LBS in what is essentially an open marriage. Build an awesome life for yourself and your children and if the offending spouse wants to be a part of that life, then they d@mn sure need to show that they're willing to do what's necessary to come along for the ride, not vice versa.
One other thing. I uninstalled the singing app. I don't really care to know about her activity on it anymore. Her voice is awesome and I love hearing her sing on it but it was bothering me how much time she was spending on it and things around the house not getting down. Now I don't have to see that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I don't know what DB is; it seems like everyone on this forum has some sort of notion of what DB is and what DB isn't and there's a lot of conflicting advice.
Given that, doodler's philosophy is that when your marriage crumbles is when the hero's journey begins. I'm pro-marriage, but I completely agree with Cadet; if you've come to this site, then most likely your marriage is already over. That doesn't mean that you won't remain married to the same person, but that old marriage is over. It's done. It's gone.
What I believe, and it may not be DB, is that most spouses who are making changes, are making changes to rescue the marriage by way of providing incentives for the wayward spouse to remain in the marriage. Everyone says, "I'm working on myself" and that may well be true, but clearly the objective is to woo the other spouse to remain in the marriage. If that's the case, then what the LBS is actually doing is devoting their whole life to pursuit of the other spouse. Yep,it's full-on pursuit and you can bet that at some level the other spouse knows it.
In my opinion, when bomb day occurs, the LBS needs to shift into hero mode. The fair maiden that the LBS has to rescue is their own life (and their children's lives). The marriage is over, but there's no reason that the LBS can't move on to a bigger and better life than before. Building a better life for the LBS and children is the objective (as opposed to rescuing the marriage). If the old spouse decides to come along on the journey, then maybe that can be considered, but it's not the objective.
The issue I have with DB, as presented in this forum, is that the LBS is constantly trying to "game" the old marital relationship. You do the 180, act as-if, go dark and all of the other stuff. F*ck the games. Move on. Games keep the LBS in what is essentially an open marriage. Build an awesome life for yourself and your children and if the offending spouse wants to be a part of that life, then they d@mn sure need to show that they're willing to do what's necessary to come along for the ride, not vice versa.
Well said....except for the foul language.
But yes. Agree with much of it. I wish this is how I felt last 12/23. Things would have gone a lot different.
Last edited by Steve85; 12/20/1801:35 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I don’t think you need to hide that the singing bothers you. If the sht bothers you, there’s a reason. Hiding it and pretending like it doesn’t exist isn’t only unhealthy for the MR it’s unhealthy for you. She needs to know that she disrespected you. Singing with her OM is definitely disrespect, and I would not put up with it if it were me. That’s regardless of marital status. I’d be PISSED.
But before I go off on that topic... think about this a bit. How would you feel if your W decided to go back to OM? Or if she told you today she’s done and she BD’s you?
I suspect you are having mixed emotions about this. The feelings of attraction can come and go, but you choose to love someone through the ups and downs right? Is your MR not worth it anymore? Are you no longer attracted?
I don’t know what the answer is, but these things are worth talking about. Do you even want to be married to her? If you do, then why? If not, then why? You probably need to explore the pros and cons and the feelings surrounding each one of those items.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Doodler: I agree with a lot of what you said. After I really detached from WW, I got to a place where I didn’t know what my motivations were anymore. I ended up just focusing on myself and my child, and trying to build an awesome life for us without my XW or any of my old life. It worked well, but only because I discarded the idea of being with my XW. Some guys don’t do that because they are still trying to save the MR.
Now that I’m piecing I feel like... well. The only reason I’m letting her back into my life is because I want to try it. If she is able to maintain the 180’s that she figured out on her own, it may lead to something great. If she goes back to her old ways, then I already know I don’t need her. What a weird thing.
I may have to make some lists like I suggested to Steve and figure out my own pros and cons. lol
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
I don’t think you need to hide that the singing bothers you. If the sht bothers you, there’s a reason. Hiding it and pretending like it doesn’t exist isn’t only unhealthy for the MR it’s unhealthy for you. She needs to know that she disrespected you. Singing with her OM is definitely disrespect, and I would not put up with it if it were me. That’s regardless of marital status. I’d be PISSED.
But before I go off on that topic... think about this a bit. How would you feel if your W decided to go back to OM? Or if she told you today she’s done and she BD’s you?
I suspect you are having mixed emotions about this. The feelings of attraction can come and go, but you choose to love someone through the ups and downs right? Is your MR not worth it anymore? Are you no longer attracted?
I don’t know what the answer is, but these things are worth talking about. Do you even want to be married to her? If you do, then why? If not, then why? You probably need to explore the pros and cons and the feelings surrounding each one of those items.
On phone so I'm not going to quote inline. IDC about her singing. And IDC about her singing with OM either. If she BD'd me again I would be done. Completely and definitely. Three strikes you're out. Not doing this all again .
I'll have to consider you're other questions. Physically I'm still very attracted to get. I do love her deeply. But I'm having this feeling of better things being out there. I'm going to continue to think on things. Maybe this will pass. IDK. We'll see how things go after the holidays.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
