There needs to be some kind of transitional techniques for piecing. I'm sure there are, but we are so focused on DB here that it can probably get in the way of recon.
I find myself doing DB things when my XW contacts me, like I will consciously avoid responding to her texts within a certain time frame. Or I validate her feelings in an empty kind of way so that I don't have to invest myself emotionally.
Steve, maybe you need to do some "opposite DB" stuff. Nothing that goes against what Sandi says regarding a woman's respect, but more like...
Maybe she's NOT always lying. Maybe temp checks aren't always bad. Maybe she isn't manipulating you all the time. Maybe it's OK for her to sleep in the MBR. (Lol j/k)
I guess what I'm saying is that if you are truly committed to each other, maybe your guard needs to come down. She has to become your ally again, and you have to let her. Sure, she should prove herself, but when will her work be "good enough" for you to trust again?
Hell, maybe you are having a hard time letting go and loving her. These things take time. You can't rush them.
Maybe you're right. But I guess the part I'm questioning is if I even want to stop DBing. If I want to R anymore. At my appointment an attractive woman was working to counter. Our eyes made contact a couple of times. I'd never do anything before Ding but the light went off in my head. I have options out there. No doubt about it. Again the thoughts of life after D are exciting to me. It is a strange place to be in my head.
I love her. But I'm not in love with her. Wow.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Its exhausting being the one to have to be "on" at all times. Youve spent the last year thinking/calculating every move/action/thought about how to get where you are now. You have to be constantly considering what is best for you, for D, for your M and making sure that there is alignment between those things....always. I can imagine the toll that it must take on you to be "the rock" for the family.
On the other side, your W has done....what....exactly? Youve spent the last year analyzing yourself, reviewing your actions, learning about relationships, reading books, etc. In the meantime, she has gotten to coast by. How is she different today than she was a year ago? How is she showing her commitment to the R? She got all of the stability she wanted, she got the new house. And what did she do to earn them?
My point is NOT that you should leave her. My point is that you need to be discussing this with her. You need to be discussing this with her with professionals to elp navigate this. I hear in your tone "she is remorseful, but not remorseful enough." So what will tat take? What would that look like? I can surely say that singing with OM is not IT. That is not a great way of her showing you that she is committed to the R. That she is commited to you. That she respects you.
So I would say that your feeling s seem natural. But deleting the app and pretending that it doesnt bother you feels like Steve1.0. Running away and sulking at the edge of the bed sounds like Steve1.0.
How does Steve2.0 act?
As always Amoafwl, you are so wise and so on. The W had done some changing. I have to give her credit for that. She did the HW assigned by the MC. She has done some 180s. I'm not sure this is really about her. I think this is about me, and my clarity on what I want. You're right. For the last year I've been "on". I never really stopped to think "is this best for me". Now I'm doing that and the answer isn't so clear.
And Steve 2.0 couldn't care less what she is doing on the app or otherwise. I'm so in a place of not caring right now it isn't even funny. Steve 1.0 would be checking the app, searching her name, every 15 minutes, to see what songs, with whom, she has sung. And how much. Steve 2.0 DOES NOT CARE. If she came to me today and said, I've reconnected with OM, I want a D. I'd say "great, pack your stuff and move to one of the spare bedrooms". It'd be so easy because the decision would be made! I'd express how I'd prefer she was out of the house but I can't legally kick her out.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Right Steve. Feelings. And feelings are real and they are yours. Then you need time and space. Take them.
Ease your mind and relax man. Time, space and patience. You know that. Keep away from other sitches. You have done an enormous job here and it has taken its toll. Thank you for been there man. You are one of the lighthouses of this site.
Liked very much what Blu wrote on her last post here. And Amoafwl´s post above.
Patience, time and avoid those negative feelings. PMA please.
Coming from the other side makes me try to push you to keep piecing with your W. I´m not in your shoes, I know. So I agree that you must have that talk with her. But not in your actual mood. Take your time, get rid of anxiety. Those hard feelings may have a destructive power and they are somehow volatile too. So, apply some DBing to yourself.
My thoughts are with you and your family. And my best wishes too.
(((Steve)))
Thanks neffer. Lots going on the next two weeks. I definitely won't be pulling the trigger or starting any R talks until after the holidays and things settle back down. Thanks for being levelheaded and it's good to have people on both sides telling giving me perspectives regarding continuing to piece or to throw in the towel. There beauty here is the throwing in the towel no longer seems daunting. It actually seems to be the road I want to take. What a difference a year makes, eh? But I need to hear this and that I can continue piecing and give it time. Throwing in the towel is permanent.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Take time. Think. Feel. This is a critical point in your MR. I think you know you're in a role reversal here.
I know how you feel. After I decided to R with XW I had a couple days of wanting to go experience more women. Hell, even XW sensed it, I think.
You have to be careful here. If you start justifying things to yourself, you really need to take a step back and come here for advice and maybe a 2x4. I'm not saying you're wrong, but you have come too far to lose so much.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Did You make a list of reasons why you want MR to work and on why you love W?
Maybe re-read it? And has that list changed? It's okay to allow the pendulum to swing and have all the emotions to flow, it's what you do with them as a balanced man that counts.
Fwiw, I am just starting out on my journey and I've yet to make a list of all the reasons why I want to save M or why I love W. maybe I'm too hurt or my mind/heart just isn't in it right now but my focus is not on her or saving M. I'm excited about this chance for this new me, to grow. I want to be amoafwl and because we have kids and I love her, she gets to have a chance , a fair shot at this, but at the end of the day if it doesn't work out, it doesn't take anything away from what used to be... maybe I'm just too nice and optimistic in thinking every one deserves to be happy. Steve, it was through this thread though where I am really digging into self awareness and loving myself and not relying on love or acceptance from anyone else. I took a few days off from posting, not because I didn't care but because I had to be careful of not replacing one dependency on another, looking for support from here and being dependent on that. Sometimes it's good to just pull back.
I agree with most of what doodler has said, except that the game isn't tailored for one type of person,those with a strong will. It allows for those who are so blinded by love to slowly hop aboard and later realize it's really All about them. Sure some will be stuck on trying to do everything to save M but that's okay. You won't be able to shoot it straight with everyone or they will be running elsewhere for a quick fix. I also agree with joe because I have so many questions on piecing and wondered about the transition from no expectations to flipping this switch where now it's ok to say what you want yet have to deal with the disappointments of not getting what you were expecting. I hope you get the idea behind what I'm trying to say while typing this on my phone. And Amoafwl said the other piece that I had been also thinking about more specifically because of the whole self differentiation. The Balance of self. This whole thing is your journey and has been a positive move forward. An alpha male is balanced. He knows what he wants and communicates that. This is your time in piecing to show and do. I wonder if you did all the prep work because it happened so fast. I don't think sleeping on the other side of the bed is what you want. You still have time, you know patience is a virtue and I know you will figure it out. Allow yourself that, and you control your feelings. You are the one who can make you happy, what do you choose to do to be happy?
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
You are starting to snowball a bit, brother. Slow down. Take a deep breath. I am glad AMOAFWL brought up those points, and I have frequently thought the same. You have been "on" fighting for this M, what seems like 100% of the time. You have also jumped into this board and posted over 3700 times in less than a year time. That has to be a record! Do you perhaps have a bit of perfectionism going on? Mr fix it in overdrive? ... Which is totally awesome! But, not totally sustainable. You must be exhausted! I wonder why you feel a need to do this much and where that stems from?
Your emotions are starting to snowball and you have done a complete 180 in how you feel about your W in a short amount of time. That is the red flag I see here. Why do you think that has happened? You may or you may not want to keep working on this M and stay with W. Either option is fine. But what is not fine is letting your emotions into the drivers seat and completely taking over. Slow down. Take a deep breath. Things are still changing so it is not time to make big decisions.
Your heart is checked out right now and your guard is up. That is fine. Feel it, sit with it, and don't fight it. How about your head/mind tho? If you very logically made a list of pros and cons, things you like vs don't like, what you want in a partner vs don't, etc, etc. If you did that honestly, would it tell a different story? Then you can also put that aside and sit with it. You do not have to fix anything right now -- not for you and not for us -- you are allowed to simply be and live.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Again the thoughts of life after D are exciting to me.
I've had those thoughts, they definitely come and go. I think people have those even in a "perfect" marriage.
Originally Posted by Steve85
I love her. But I'm not in love with her. Wow.
To quote Dr. Gary Chapman, the average in love experience lasts less than 2 years. I'm still a believer that you can recapture those feelings for hours, days, weeks, or months at a time but life gets in the way. That's why we COMMIT to marriage, so that we are always coming back and promising to recreate our love.
Originally Posted by Steve85
I've slipped back into treating her like the cashier at the store and I think that's what she's feeling.
Anything worth doing is worth doing right. Recognize your emotions and balance them with your thoughts. Easy, right?
You have the option to use your actions to change your feelings. You can choose to love. Or you can choose to say that love is a feeling that can't be created and you just don't have. Both are right.
Good luck Steve, I hope for the best.
Doodler, nice post, thanks for checking in.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
The W had done some changing. I have to give her credit for that. She did the HW assigned by the MC. She has done some 180s. I'm not sure this is really about her.
Im not really saying that it is about her. Im saying this is about you.
You know what every LBSer here says? "I wish my X would have just sat me down and talked about it. These are fixable problems. Love is a choice." And all that jazz.
What are you doing/thinking that is different from all those walkaways we are all so quick to condemn?
Take some time now to figure out what it is you want. Not with respect to W or any other woman. But what is important to you. In your life. For your daughter. In your partner. What are your non-negotiables. What are the things you need. Once you have that list/goals, then you can talk to W and/or D and figure out how to get those things in your life. Your issues wont be solved by another woman. They will be solved by YOU.
Originally Posted by Steve85
I never really stopped to think "is this best for me". Now I'm doing that and the answer isn't so clear.
That is what I am getting at above. Most LBSers have all kinds of time to figure those things out. With your sitch, it rebounded so fast, you didnt get to the point where you understood how to really go about making that list until your were so deep in R that it probably felt like it didnt matter anymore.So take the time for yourself and figure out what is important.
Originally Posted by Steve85
And Steve 2.0 couldn't care less what she is doing on the app or otherwise. I'm so in a place of not caring right now it isn't even funny. Steve 1.0 would be checking the app, searching her name, every 15 minutes, to see what songs, with whom, she has sung. And how much. Steve 2.0 DOES NOT CARE.
So then maybe it's time to talk to Steve3.0. Frankly, if my wife had an EA with some guy and was back on the app doing "more of the same", I would be LIVID. Why WOULDNT you care that she is actively disrespecting the marriage and your relationship? And it isnt your job to make a list....it's your job to explain what you expect in your R. And then it's her job to follow those wishes if she wants to be with you in a relationship. What are your boundaries with respect to this app? How is this go-round different than a year ago? How does this level of disrespect carry out into other realms of her life?
And look....it's great that she likes singing. But come on. If this app is causing issues...again....I just dont understand why it's a thing. Maybe plan a weekly karaoke night. Or join a local choir. There are plenty of ways to have fun singing that dont require an app where she can talk privately with other guys. Why are you willing to make excuses for her?
