First Post Here - Any Advice Appreciated

[Jtayl71]

Hi JT,

You and I are similar in age and situations. If they work together and communicate that much, it's probably gotten to the point of them sleeping together. It [censored] but it's true. That's how most of these things go. She lied, she's lying about other things too.

I don't know why you grabbing your W's breasts in bed is bad. I'm a horny sleeper, always have been. I go to bed that way and wake up that way. Oh well.

She says the only thing that she cant get over is the night groping, says it makes her feel helpless and completely disrespected.

Sounds a bit weird, does she have sexual hangups or negative history? On it's face, I don't believe that she is being honest with your here. This doesn't mean you go and ask her for honesty on this either, that is pursuit. She's not open to being honest with you anyways.

I am just not sure where to go from here. She has two months until she can file paper work due to our state divorce laws, but she wants nothing to do with me. Has taken the cell phone off our my bill and has already split the bank accounts.

You are in Last Resort Technique (LRT) time. That means:
1. Stop pursuit. This means any and all pursuit. Read DR and you can see every form of pursuit listed.
2. GAL. Get a life. Go do it.
3. Wait and See.

The LRT really changed my mindset, it helped me a ton.

I've wanted to take my cellphone off of the joint plan too b/c my W was creeping on the records. You really need to cool it there, it's annoying and pressuring when someone is following you like that. I separated bank accounts 6 months ago. Don't fight these things.

Says she is so sorry for doing this but she just doesnt think she will ever get past it and doesnt want to live with someone that she "shudders when they touch her".

I hope you told her you understand. I wouldn't want to live like that either. Neither would you. But, you are desperate to get her back so you don't want to hear this.

Read the validation links, and validate her feelings next time.

Our best couple friends dont agree with her and she is just like "ehh they will think what they think I dont really care"

That's how you should be thinking. Focus your energy on the things you can control. And leave your friends out of it for now. Get out of your W's way.

Read all the links, read other people's threads, quit calling and texting your W and quit trying to control her.

ovrrnbw,

Wow thanks for the great advice.

She said in therapy that she had an incident from her past that it brought up bad memories of and I told her that I completely understand why she would feel the way she felt then, Totally validated her statement. But then a few nights ago she tells me she doesnt think it plays that big of a role in it, so shes crawfishing, but oh well. I am doing my best to Get a Life and move on, I know i should have cooled it with the spying but unfortunately I let my emotions get the best of me a few times, oh well I guess, I am human. I don't want her to shudder when I touch her either, I just mainly want her to know that I never did it on purpose and I never meant to hurt her or break her trust in me. But unfortunately that is the effect it had and I have to live with that for now.

I will quit calling and texting and let her make her own decisions. I am so glad I found this forum, it gives me hope and a clearer focus on a path forward. I have read so many different things and opinions that it was starting to be counter productive because they were all across the board. A friend of mine suggested that I make her go to counseling once a week if she wanted an amicable divorce if she disagreed to tell her to talk to a lawyer and I am done. But knowing my wife, she will not respond well to such an ultimatum. I really think these DB tactics might be the best path forward for me. I look forward to learning much more in the coming days.

[SoTorn]

You didnt break her trust by spying. Don't feel that way. My WW tried to pull that. "I can't trust you because you hired a PI and found out about my A". Sure WW, whatever you think. No I didn't validate that.

Stop worrying about that. Stop worrying about how your actions affect her and vice versa. Worry about how your actions affect you.

[ovrrnbw]

She is shuddering because she doesn't want you. Sandi will write a lot more about how she has been feeling this way for a llloooonnnnngggg time. It didn't just happen.

As you pull back from her, she may realize that she misses your attention. She may be deep in the claws of OM. Who knows? Gotta switch your focus over to your life.

[Jtayl71]

You didnt break her trust by spying. Don't feel that way. My WW tried to pull that. "I can't trust you because you hired a PI and found out about my A". Sure WW, whatever you think. No I didn't validate that.

Stop worrying about that. Stop worrying about how your actions affect her and vice versa. Worry about how your actions affect you.

Will do. Thanks for that tid bit, I never would have spied if she didnt give me a reason to not have trust.

She is shuddering because she doesn't want you. Sandi will write a lot more about how she has been feeling this way for a llloooonnnnngggg time. It didn't just happen.

As you pull back from her, she may realize that she misses your attention. She may be deep in the claws of OM. Who knows? Gotta switch your focus over to your life.

I guess I tried to think that that wasnt the case but I was only lying to myself, I tried to blame it on her sexual trauma from her past. Im sure that has something to do with it but it mainly is the fact that she just doesnt want me. I will do my best to pull back and focus on my life. This is going to be hard for me because she has been such a big part of my focus for so long but I am also sort of excited for what I can come up with for sort of a "rebirth" if you will.

[Jtayl71]

Well this afternoon will be interesting, she reached out to me yesterday over text message asking if she could take the dog to her parents with her for christmas. I was planning on taking her with me to my family, but i told her she could take it. I was minimal in my response and will do my best to be as detached as possible for the short time I have to see her today.

[sandi2]

We did one session of couples therapy where the therapist suggested she goes to individual therapy and we continue couples therapy. She now refuses to go to any type of therapy whatsoever and is adamant on a divorce. She says the only thing that she cant get over is the night groping, says it makes her feel helpless and completely disrespected.

The only way I could believe her statement would be if she experienced molestation when she was a child, and those unwanted actions triggered memories of that event. Otherwise, what's the big deal of a man fondling his W's breast? Now, I could understand the aggravation if it woke her up and she couldn't go back to sleep. However, it may be more of an intimacy issue for her.

I remember another case almost identical to this, and the W said the same thing about feeling helpless.

We have grown apart over the last year due to many reason, one she had I guess an EA with a person from work, I caught her with 600 text messages in a week to one guy with some being intimate details about her that I did not even know and she lied to my face about it three times before she actually confessed.

Also in this time, I confessed that I was having a little issue with Pornography so I decided to come clean and do my best to quit this behavior.

Why did you choose that time to talk about the porn? Were you equating porn with an EA? Were you trying to take some of the heat off your W?

She decided that we should take this time to separate and not speak. We had a small discussion about it, but I cam away from it thinking this would only be a few weeks where as she assumed it would be the remainder of her time there. Anytime I would try to reach out to her she would become angry with me that I wasn't giving her her space. So i decided to back off, over the last two months we talked maybe one hour total. During this time, I decided to check her phone records again, and she had been talking to a local number where she was located for hours at a time every other night. When she came home I confronted her about the number and she got very defensive that I had checked her phone records again and she said it was just a guy that she confided in about life. She refuses to stay at the house with myself and says she wants a divorce. We did one session of couples therapy where the therapist suggested she goes to individual therapy and we continue couples therapy. She now refuses to go to any type of therapy whatsoever and is adamant on a divorce. She says the only thing that she cant get over is the night groping, says it makes her feel helpless and completely disrespected.

So apparently nothing was settled about her EA, and she pretty much continued contacting OM. She doesn't want IC, and uses the night groping as the only she can't get over?

Says she is so sorry for doing this but she just doesnt think she will ever get past it and doesnt want to live with someone that she "shudders when they touch her". She also seems to be just throwing away any person in her life that disagrees with her decision

Going back before you discovered the texts, how was your sex life? Did she ever initiate intimacy? Did she want the long, slow, wet kisses?

[ovrrnbw]

I think the point Sandi is making is that she is full of "it".

Don't believe anything she says, and only half of what she does.

[Jtayl71]

We did one session of couples therapy where the therapist suggested she goes to individual therapy and we continue couples therapy. She now refuses to go to any type of therapy whatsoever and is adamant on a divorce. She says the only thing that she cant get over is the night groping, says it makes her feel helpless and completely disrespected.

The only way I could believe her statement would be if she experienced molestation when she was a child, and those unwanted actions triggered memories of that event. Otherwise, what's the big deal of a man fondling his W's breast? Now, I could understand the aggravation if it woke her up and she couldn't go back to sleep. However, it may be more of an intimacy issue for her.

I remember another case almost identical to this, and the W said the same thing about feeling helpless.

Hi Sandi, firstly let me thank you for taking the time to reply to my post! I must say it is pretty amazing that you are so active on this forum and helping countless people, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

She apparently was molested sometime in high school, she has only ever told myself and our couples therapist, it is something that she has kept compressed for a lot of years now.

Why did you choose that time to talk about the porn? Were you equating porn with an EA? Were you trying to take some of the heat off your W?

I poorly worded this in my original post. I told her about my porn habit many months prior to the discovery of the EA.

So apparently nothing was settled about her EA, and she pretty much continued contacting OM. She doesn't want IC, and uses the night groping as the only she can't get over?

After I confronted her about the original EA, she stopped contact with him but she resumed it for short times when she was out of town for work. Then when she moved away for work, she started to confide in a new man about her life problems, she says it was nothing more than a friendship, but I have never talked to a female friend for three hours late at night when I didnt want something more.

As far as sex life prior, it was very poor. She never wanted intimate sex with long slow anything. She wanted fast, quick, rough, and she very seldom initiated. Maybe half a dozen times a year she would initiate. Where our sex life used to be fantastic.

I am currently halfway through the divorce rememdy and plan on finishing it up here in the next few days. Thanks again for taking time out of your day!

[Jtayl71]

I think the point Sandi is making is that she is full of "it".

Don't believe anything she says, and only half of what she does.

Hey ovrrnbw, thanks for the reply. I am starting to see this more and more with the time I am spending to myself.

[Adam04]

I think the point Sandi is making is that she is full of "it".

Don't believe anything she says, and only half of what she does.

Hey ovrrnbw, thanks for the reply. I am starting to see this more and more with the time I am spending to myself.

Hey JT,

Sorry to hear of your sitch, but you're not alone, and you have great support. You are doing well. Keep posting and reading.

Sandi and others have been able to help me see the light. Although I'm a work in progress, I feel so much better than when I first got here. I was lost in feelings, confused, and in denial.

Yes, the more time you learn and read what others post here, you will see things for what they are.

This is your journey. You will learn this is about you. Taking care of yourself emotionally, physically, and mentally. You'll quickly know that you can't control anyone but yourself. What you friend suggested about "forcing her" to do something, it doesn't work. You will be let down. You're going to get help on how you build you up.

It's early, pace yourself. Take the focus off of her and put it on you. You're in control of your own happiness. You got this.