Ready@Change... Thanks for the responses. I do like your no-nonsense approach to giving answers and advice. To clarify the 2 statements that don't line up. She claimed to end the affair one day....and then asked for "time to grieve". We still live in the same house...but communication has been very minimal. Silence was the wrong word...COLD would have been a better choice.
I just got done reading a whole bunch of Sandi's post about WW...great stuff. Boy do I have a lot to learn! UGH!
Question for now: Which one of the DB books should I read first??
Been doing a decent job of the 180's and the rules from here...with an occasional hiccup or moment of weakness. Wife said she ended affair last week. Since then she's been very, very distant. This follows a period of about 8 weeks of her being "not sure' which direction she wanted to go. We were actually functioning much better and closer BEFORE she ended the affair.
Been reading all the links provided and got educated on the "nice guy syndrome" or whatever Sandi calls it. I'm guilty. I look back at the last 4 communications from my W... 1. Can you pick up milk. 2. Can you stop by and pay that bill. 3. Can you go to (step sons) meeting at school tomorrow. 4. Can you drive (other step son) to concert.
Last night was Wednesday which is our weekly date night...which we have continued thru this all. Nothing. She worked late. Came home and actually asked me "are you OK? You've felt very distant the last couple of days." I almost laughed out loud. I just said "yes. Just giving you space".
I'm trying hard to stop all "spying" on her....but it's hard. I just want the recon on if she has indeed stopped the affair. I see a text on the phone bill from her to him last night. UGH.
So I wake up this morning just pissed with her and myself! A big part of me just wants to be DONE with all of this drama. I'm so tired of it all. And now we have the Xmas weekend coming. The only member of my family around here is my adult daughter...who I will get to see. The rest will be her family. How bad would it be if I just say I don't want to be part of her family get together? Just very frustrated this morning and feel like I need to step up say something or do something.
Let me have it...talk me off the ledge, or push!
Last edited by job; 12/20/1801:33 PM. Reason: removed link for this thread
And now as soon as I typed the last message...she texts "it did feel nice to come to bed...". She had been sleeping on couch all week and did come into bed in the middle of the night last night. I'm guessing it's the guilt of reaching out to the AP last night....but I woke up angry. How do I react to THAt?
I have merged your two threads together since your original thread had not reached the 100 posting/reply limit. You can also change your subject line at any time within a thread.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi there. I'm younger, no kids, but your sitch sounds fairly similar to where mine was in May-July of this year. It was before I got here. I probably got here too late but you might have a better chance. Look through my threads to see what NOT to do, and stick to the advice you get here. Do it wholeheartedly and without delay, and you might be surprised at how things turn out.
Not sure if you have a copy of DR yet but if/when you do, you'll get to a part where she says that holding together a M when the other person is reluctant to end the A requires "courage, stamina, and blind determination." Hope you have it in you.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Been reading all the links provided and got educated on the "nice guy syndrome" or whatever Sandi calls it. I'm guilty. I look back at the last 4 communications from my W... 1. Can you pick up milk. 2. Can you stop by and pay that bill. 3. Can you go to (step sons) meeting at school tomorrow. 4. Can you drive (other step son) to concert.
NGS, or "nice guy syndrome" is from the book "No More Mister Nice Guy". It's one we frequently recommend as a companion book to DB and DR for the men who wind up here because many of them (us) are or were afflicted with NGS. The title of the book is misleading, it's not about quitting being nice to people. Rather, it's about how outwardly "nice" guys are often passive/aggressive in their behavior and wreck their relationships through covert contracts.
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I'm trying hard to stop all "spying" on her....but it's hard. I just want the recon on if she has indeed stopped the affair. I see a text on the phone bill from her to him last night. UGH.
If she's still in contact with OM then the A is not over. I don't care how insignificant the contact is, that's like a heroin addict saying "no I'm clean, I only did a little bit this time."
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So I wake up this morning just pissed with her and myself! A big part of me just wants to be DONE with all of this drama. I'm so tired of it all.
That's because you feel like you've lost control of your life and you are desperate to reassert control. DON'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. This is a dangerous time for you, if you act rashly you will do things you regret. Take a long-term view. It's going to take months to sort this out, don't try to rush it. Give her time and space and focus on yourself. Get out. GAL.
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And now we have the Xmas weekend coming. The only member of my family around here is my adult daughter...who I will get to see. The rest will be her family. How bad would it be if I just say I don't want to be part of her family get together? Just very frustrated this morning and feel like I need to step up say something or do something.
This is just a suggestion- ask her to sit down and talk. Tell her that given where things are right now, you don't feel comfortable being around her family and you're thinking that maybe you should bow out of her family get-together and ask her how she would feel about that. Normally we would say just don't go, but your situation is different because your W has at least verbally said she's back in the M. It's unclear whether she really is all-in or not just yet, so you've got to tread carefully.
