Yeah I told her I wasnt agreeing to that. WW now saying that if I don't have a plan to move out by Christmas that she will leave. We will see if that happens. I will just DB until Christmas when I am forced to speak with her I guess.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
I read another thread from an LBS and Steve posted this. Maybe I should just stick to IHS. I have been doing fine except for my occasional outbursts of when I am angry.
"lusa just a word of caution. Be careful with pronouncements of finality. The threads here are littered with LBSs that were at the I am done point, only to turn around in a day or two to be about to initiate an R talk, and I miss her so much, I can't live without her language. This is a process. Fear is the first emotion. Anger follows. Then you move back into fear. Then to resignation, then to anger, then to fear. It is literally a roller-coaster ride.
Remember, she is on her own roller-coaster too. That is why being detached, remaining calm, being ever present is so important. The analogy is like a lighthouse. No matter what the seas are like you are there on the shore as a rock steady beckon of light.
So while you shouldn't shun these emotions, you need to feel them as you are experiencing them, neither should you use them to make final decisions. There will be plenty of time for that. Remebmer, limbo is the gift of time."
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Something that helped me a lot was the idea of LEANING INTO the sadness. No matter what, you will rollercoaster. Sht will hit you in waves. It hurts and it can be scary but those negative feelings are not your enemies. They are what they are, and you can move with the waves or try to fight them. Eventually, you learn to ride them to new places.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
I just need to make sure I'm always busy. I'm going to start going to the gym every day after work. My S11 likes to go.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
So I went home last night and picked up S11 and went to the gym. I got home and the WW was in a very bad mood. Kept trying to draw me in. I needed to eat so I cooked myself something while WW kept trying to tell me she wasnt having an affair. WW admits she is in a relationship with another man but doesnt consider it an affair because she "left" me.
WW is an idiot right now. WW told me about a ski trip she is taking the kids on next week. WW bought tickets for all of us to go to Aquaman. I don't want to go. Should I go?
I had advised WW that I want to move out but I need her to refinance the house and pay me so I can get new furniture etc. WW won't do it. WW keeps saying "if you don't move out I will". I will take that with a grain of salt and just wait and continue NC and IHS. IHS is horrid. OMG.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
My WW is an idiot too. Her and AP said less than 1 month after Dday " its not an affair""i don't like that word "
It's amazing the bull they try and justify to themselves to alleviate the guilt and shame.
Hang in there mate
BH: 36 WW:33 M: 2 Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018 0 1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019 LRT: Oct 2018 WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
Typical crap dude. Self justification and history re-writing. Just see it for what it is, which I think you do.
My WW was similar. It wasn't an affair because :
1. She was done with me 2. She didn't want to be with me anymore 3. She already said she wanted divorce 4. They're just "really good friends"
She's in the fog. When they're in the fog, waywards are idiots and they are easy to predict.
Should you go to the movie? Do you want to? How strong is your NC game? If I went I definitely would sit away from her. But I can tell you, it would hurt me to sit there as a family. My saddest moments were the last family lunch we had together, and the last time we went to church as a family.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
I mean that the choice to do what she did was hers. Her choice to have an affair.
Yes, I understand THAT was her choice.
Originally Posted by SoTorn
I tell her that "I need to get away from her because I want to get on with my life and I cant tolerate her continued disrespect "
But this is YOUR choice. It isnt something that you 'need' to do...it's something that you are choosing to do.
To me, words have a lot of power. And the words you are presenting here suggest to me that this is her agency....that the fallout of everything was her choice. That her affair has caused all of this. To me, that puts too much blame to her. My opinion is that you should be focusing on your boundaries when talking with her....rather than lashing out and sneding blame, focus on what you will accept. "I am moving out because I do not want to live with someone that doesnt respect me". Thats a lot more valuable/powerful than "Im moving out because you cant keep your legs closed". That puts YOUR actions and choices onto HER.
Maybe Im arguing semantics, but it feels like a mindset issue for you. Like you are so focused on blaming her or punishing her or whatever. And thats how it comes across in your actions. I would say it's completely up to you if you would be open to R or whatever in the future. But your basis for making those choices should be based on you and your beliefs and not on what she will do or has done.
I feel like Im explaining this poorly. But....in short....keep your focus on YOU.
I mean that the choice to do what she did was hers. Her choice to have an affair.
Yes, I understand THAT was her choice.
Originally Posted by SoTorn
I tell her that "I need to get away from her because I want to get on with my life and I cant tolerate her continued disrespect "
But this is YOUR choice. It isnt something that you 'need' to do...it's something that you are choosing to do.
To me, words have a lot of power. And the words you are presenting here suggest to me that this is her agency....that the fallout of everything was her choice. That her affair has caused all of this. To me, that puts too much blame to her. My opinion is that you should be focusing on your boundaries when talking with her....rather than lashing out and sneding blame, focus on what you will accept. "I am moving out because I do not want to live with someone that doesnt respect me". Thats a lot more valuable/powerful than "Im moving out because you cant keep your legs closed". That puts YOUR actions and choices onto HER.
Maybe Im arguing semantics, but it feels like a mindset issue for you. Like you are so focused on blaming her or punishing her or whatever. And thats how it comes across in your actions. I would say it's completely up to you if you would be open to R or whatever in the future. But your basis for making those choices should be based on you and your beliefs and not on what she will do or has done.
I feel like Im explaining this poorly. But....in short....keep your focus on YOU.
No you are right. I noticed that I got a negative reaction when I say stuff like "I need to get away". That was said out of emotion. Actually I said "I can't wait to get the f*** away from you". It stunned her actually. WW was already mad though.
I have actually been focusing on saying just that "I cannot be with someone that disrespects me". WW keeps saying she wants to move now, so I am going to actually just take a step back and see if she does. S11 and D16 are adamant that they want me to stay at the house and her to leave if someone is moving.
I forgot to add that S11 told me that WW confronted him yesterday. WW asked S11 if he was upset with her and he said yes. WW went on to tell him that she just didn't want to be with me anymore because I was a horrible person. S11 said he spoke up and told her that I am a good person now and a good dad and he knows that. WW got mad at S11 and told him that I did "horrible" things when he wasnt around. S11 knows who I am. I am not worried.
When WW gets mad she starts tossing out threats, like saying she is going to tell her attorney I am trying to get the kids to hate her. I am not. The kids know the truth. That is all that matters. WW said that again (yesterday she was in a bad mood, so was I)
WW believes in her mind that S11 and D16 arent old enough to form their own opinion on her actions and behavior. I told WW that both children told me they would be happy to speak to her L, my L and any judge or court persons to explain to them my behavior now, her behavior now and their opinions on it.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Oh man. Your WW sounds awful. Don't worry, detach and focus on yourself and the kids. Shes trying to provoke a reaction to justify her affair and hate.
BH: 36 WW:33 M: 2 Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018 0 1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019 LRT: Oct 2018 WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
