Thanks AnotherStander. All great points and what I needed to hear this morning. Especially the DON'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW advice. You may have saved me as I've had the phone in my hand many times today.
Another question for all: I know the rules of DB say "Do not spy on spouse". And I want to stop doing this badly and I actually had stopped for a couple of weeks until she said she ended the affair. I feel the need to have the recon on her activities. However, everytime I find something...my blood pressure and anxiety go up....and I have to talk myself in to not just giving up. Or worse, call her and angrily confront her like I used too. But, it's like a "tell" in poker...if I'm sure I know what cards she is holding...it helps me understand her actions. From past experience DB'rs...should I stop spying...or can it be useful knowledge??
I've already learned a bunch from your story and the posts...and the posts from others on your thread.
Glad to hear it. Unfortunately the point you're at now is the point I was at MUCH earlier in my sitch, long before I got to DB. So you won't find all of those details in my threads. They're in my head and I'd be happy to share them with you if/when things come up.
Piecing is when you've ALREADY reconciled. You're piecing your relationship back together. Before that you have to get to reconciliation. Before that there has to be a definitive end to the A. Before THAT you have to get to detachment. Before THAT you have to GAL. That's what it comes down to.
Things may or may not have turned out differently for me if I had gotten here sooner. Time will tell. Other advice sites out there take a stronger stance and will tell you that "I'm not sure" is WW-speak for "I want both and there's no reason I can't have both." A poster here named Zues said that "maybe" is the same as "no" or at least you should treat it as such because otherwise you're dumping resources where they won't make a difference.
I agree that if he isn't dead then he's still on her mind. The way I interpret my sitch, W got a new boyfriend and fell in love with him. She had already "broken up" with me in her heart. So she would have as much trouble detaching from him as I have had trouble detaching from her. It's HARD. And it was even harder when she was there. So if OM works with her or sees her regularly, you can bet that it's not easy for her to let go.
ESPECIALLY NOT when you're there saying (with words or actions), "Hey, choose me, I'm a good boy, I'll do what you want." She won't choose that. She already decided that that wasn't enough, or else there would not have been an A.
At this point, for your sake, I'm happy to tell you what I did and how I see it now, why I think it wasn't the best choice, etc. But listen to the advice from the pros, they know a LOT better and they've seen this play out so many times.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
everytime I find something...my blood pressure and anxiety go up....and I have to talk myself in to not just giving up. Or worse, call her and angrily confront her like I used too. But, it's like a "tell" in poker...if I'm sure I know what cards she is holding...it helps me understand her actions. From past experience DB'rs...should I stop spying...or can it be useful knowledge??
STOP SNOOPING. You will fill your head with your confusion and your heart with pain. You gain almost nothing by having intel and it sets you up to do impulsive things that could cause irreparable damage. SNOOPING = CONTROL = EXPECTATIONS = FAILURE.
STOP STOP STOP.
Stop it.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Don't snoop. It just hurts you. My WW still thinks I am going through her stuff. lol. I am not, because I already know she is having an A and its in the open now. I havent told OMW or her work though. Don't know if I will or not.
My WW works with her OM, but long distance. My WW could detach from OM. WW hasnt confessed her love for him to me, but I know she loves him because I have heard her say it to him and him to her (snooping).
My WW is dead set on "Its over, I am not cheating because I kicked you to the curb for OM". WW's are nuts man. My WW won't do anything though. Says she wants D, but never does it. Says she wants out of the home, but never does it.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Got it. No more snooping! But what do I do with the intel I already know (her texting the OM last night)? If she continues to lie and tell me it's over and there have been NC...what do I say?
Got it. No more snooping! But what do I do with the intel I already know (her texting the OM last night)? If she continues to lie and tell me it's over and there have been NC...what do I say?
Are you reconciling? I don't think you are from what I read. Remember, don't believe what they say or do. Your WW is still wayward. So treat her accordingly. Detach, GAL, 180, NC.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
If she continues to lie and tell me it's over and there have been NC...what do I say?
Just say W we both know that you are not telling the truth. Don't tell her how you know. Warning: She is must likely gonna get very angry with you because she knows you know.
Warning: She is must likely gonna get very angry with you because she knows you know.
And she'll try to figure out how you found out. Then she'll lock down those sources, and blame you for being the absolute worst, most paranoid, most controlling, most privacy-invading jerkface that ever walked the face of the earth. She thinks you're harshing her buzz.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Plenty of good advice, but I'll reiterate this: she is not back in the marriage. Don't believe it for a second. I've been through the ups and downs and been lied to a hundred times. If she is still in contact with OM she is not committed. Read my threads, I've been off and on so many times with my W. I believed her, I didn't hold her feet to the fire. And look what it did for me: I'm still doing the same old stuff.
I'd just go to her family gathering if I was you. That's my opinion. Go make the best of it, but don't think it means she is yours again.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
^^^ she is NOT back in the marriage. Every statement and every action is SUSPECT. She is playing you for time, cake-eating, getting the best of both worlds without any of the trouble.
Turn it around. She has you as a backup in case OM falls through. Reality: OM should be the backup in case YOU fall through. You deserve better than sloppy seconds.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
