First post here, have just recently found this website and have immediately ordered the Divorce Remedy and cant wait to read it.
Our Story: H: 29 WAW: 27 Together - 7 Years Married - 3.5 Years Seperation - Began August 2018 No Children just a dog.
My wife and I have hit a rough patch and she is now asking for a divorce. We have grown apart over the last year due to many reason, one she had I guess an EA with a person from work, I caught her with 600 text messages in a week to one guy with some being intimate details about her that I did not even know and she lied to my face about it three times before she actually confessed. Also in this time, I confessed that I was having a little issue with Pornography so I decided to come clean and do my best to quit this behavior. I also began to have medical problems which could have been life altering and the doctors could not figure out the cause for the longest time, I began to have anxiety and panic attacks about it, anytime I would lose feeling in my legs. The doctors were leaning towards multiple sclerosis and the day when I went to find out the test results my wife didn't seem too concerned, I felt the whole time I was being judged for my weakness in the matter. Also over this last year, I started fondling my wife's breasts in my sleep, it only happened about a dozen times over the last year, and as soon as she would say stop, I would oblige and apologize, I had no recollection of it even occurring, was not a conscious decision whatsoever.
Fast forward to august, she is required to move five hours away for four months due to work. She would work night shifts and day shifts and would have very few weekends off. She decided that we should take this time to separate and not speak. We had a small discussion about it, but I cam away from it thinking this would only be a few weeks where as she assumed it would be the remainder of her time there. Anytime I would try to reach out to her she would become angry with me that I wasn't giving her her space. So i decided to back off, over the last two months we talked maybe one hour total. During this time, I decided to check her phone records again, and she had been talking to a local number where she was located for hours at a time every other night. When she came home I confronted her about the number and she got very defensive that I had checked her phone records again and she said it was just a guy that she confided in about life. She refuses to stay at the house with myself and says she wants a divorce. We did one session of couples therapy where the therapist suggested she goes to individual therapy and we continue couples therapy. She now refuses to go to any type of therapy whatsoever and is adamant on a divorce. She says the only thing that she cant get over is the night groping, says it makes her feel helpless and completely disrespected. I tried reiterating with her that I did not do this consciously and I stopped every single time she has woken me up. I also have been going to individual counseling to fix my anxiety, even help with my pornography person, and try to be a better man, I also took the separation time to really work on myself, have read numerous relationship books, confided and confessed my sins to the priest that married us, and have really taken a hard look in the mirror at myself.
I am just not sure where to go from here. She has two months until she can file paper work due to our state divorce laws, but she wants nothing to do with me. Has taken the cell phone off our my bill and has already split the bank accounts. Says she is so sorry for doing this but she just doesnt think she will ever get past it and doesnt want to live with someone that she "shudders when they touch her". She also seems to be just throwing away any person in her life that disagrees with her decision. Our best couple friends dont agree with her and she is just like "ehh they will think what they think I dont really care" Its been a very rough road but I committed to my wife and will love her until I can't any longer.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Before you start posting a whole bunch, please please take the time to read the threads Cadet posted. This is going to be a process for you. You can't rush it, and nobody knows what the outcome is going to be.
I know you love your wife and this hurts. Divorce is hard. Take care of yourself and read everything Cadet posted. It will help you cope.
I know your goal is to save the marriage, but for now you need to save yourself.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Yes, lots of good advice here man. Unfortunately you have a WW on your hands. There is a very strong possibility she is having a PA right now.
Stay strong, focus on yourself. Get rid of those toxic behaviors that you were leaning into. Use this time wisely. Time is a gift. Get yourself healthy. If you are overweight, get to the gym, lose the weight. I was having back problems and my legs going numb. I lost 84lbs. I don't have any issues anymore. My lower back still hurts, but it doesnt hurt nearly as bad.
Get to an IC man. This hurts badly. You are going to be on an emotional roller coaster and the emotions will do a good number on you if you don't seek help or handle them appropriately. Stay active. Get out and DO life. Live your life to the best of your ability. Find a new hobby, focus on something.
This is the best time to better yourself, so do it.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
SoTorn, thank you for your words. I am not over weight 6' and 155, just have genetic back problems, I do daily core exercises and weekly classes to help it out. I have been with an IC for about six months and have no plans on stopping, it has helped me tremendously. I am in a much better place with myself than I was when our separation began, I didnt use the first month or so of separation too wisely but my counselor basically told me the same thing so I have been on a better path since then.
I have asked her straight to her face if there is anyone else and she looks me dead in the eye and swears there is not. I know not to believe her but my wife used to be very easy to read if she was lying, she keeps all her emotions showing on her face. But the woman I knew is no more at this moment and that is a hard pill to swallow. Thanks again for yalls support.
I have asked her straight to her face if there is anyone else and she looks me dead in the eye and swears there is not. I know not to believe her but my wife used to be very easy to read if she was lying, she keeps all her emotions showing on her face. But the woman I knew is no more at this moment and that is a hard pill to swallow. Thanks again for yalls support.
Yes, you are right... she is not the same woman. That doesn't mean she can't come back eventually (hopefully), but it does mean that for now you have to understand how she is likely going to act and react. It will follow a pattern if she is wayward.
Keep reading. Sandi's rules are important. Also her "reflections" thread is full of some of the best relationship insights I've ever read in my life.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
SoTorn, thank you for your words. I am not over weight 6' and 155, just have genetic back problems, I do daily core exercises and weekly classes to help it out. I have been with an IC for about six months and have no plans on stopping, it has helped me tremendously. I am in a much better place with myself than I was when our separation began, I didnt use the first month or so of separation too wisely but my counselor basically told me the same thing so I have been on a better path since then.
I have asked her straight to her face if there is anyone else and she looks me dead in the eye and swears there is not. I know not to believe her but my wife used to be very easy to read if she was lying, she keeps all her emotions showing on her face. But the woman I knew is no more at this moment and that is a hard pill to swallow. Thanks again for yalls support.
Thats good man, keep your emotional health up and your physical health up. Sorry for your back issues. The biggest thing that you need to remember is that this is a gift of time to focus on yourself. Be the man you have always wanted to be. Get out and do things you have always wanted. Keep yourself extremely busy. Be the man only a fool would leave.
I am working hard at that but I am still early in my sitch. August 2018 was my first BD, A confirmed October 31st. I am focusing on myself. The one biggest thing that I am having an issue with right now is letting my anger get the best of me and saying something about it. I know I can't bottle the emotions up, but I need not direct them at my WW. I need to go to the gym daily. I am going to do that now starting now.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
You and I are similar in age and situations. If they work together and communicate that much, it's probably gotten to the point of them sleeping together. It [censored] but it's true. That's how most of these things go. She lied, she's lying about other things too.
I don't know why you grabbing your W's breasts in bed is bad. I'm a horny sleeper, always have been. I go to bed that way and wake up that way. Oh well.
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She says the only thing that she cant get over is the night groping, says it makes her feel helpless and completely disrespected.
Sounds a bit weird, does she have sexual hangups or negative history? On it's face, I don't believe that she is being honest with your here. This doesn't mean you go and ask her for honesty on this either, that is pursuit. She's not open to being honest with you anyways.
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I am just not sure where to go from here. She has two months until she can file paper work due to our state divorce laws, but she wants nothing to do with me. Has taken the cell phone off our my bill and has already split the bank accounts.
You are in Last Resort Technique (LRT) time. That means: 1. Stop pursuit. This means any and all pursuit. Read DR and you can see every form of pursuit listed. 2. GAL. Get a life. Go do it. 3. Wait and See.
The LRT really changed my mindset, it helped me a ton.
I've wanted to take my cellphone off of the joint plan too b/c my W was creeping on the records. You really need to cool it there, it's annoying and pressuring when someone is following you like that. I separated bank accounts 6 months ago. Don't fight these things.
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Says she is so sorry for doing this but she just doesnt think she will ever get past it and doesnt want to live with someone that she "shudders when they touch her".
I hope you told her you understand. I wouldn't want to live like that either. Neither would you. But, you are desperate to get her back so you don't want to hear this.
Read the validation links, and validate her feelings next time.
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Our best couple friends dont agree with her and she is just like "ehh they will think what they think I dont really care"
That's how you should be thinking. Focus your energy on the things you can control. And leave your friends out of it for now. Get out of your W's way.
Read all the links, read other people's threads, quit calling and texting your W and quit trying to control her.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I have asked her straight to her face if there is anyone else and she looks me dead in the eye and swears there is not. I know not to believe her but my wife used to be very easy to read if she was lying, she keeps all her emotions showing on her face. But the woman I knew is no more at this moment and that is a hard pill to swallow. Thanks again for yalls support.
Yes, you are right... she is not the same woman. That doesn't mean she can't come back eventually (hopefully), but it does mean that for now you have to understand how she is likely going to act and react. It will follow a pattern if she is wayward.
Keep reading. Sandi's rules are important. Also her "reflections" thread is full of some of the best relationship insights I've ever read in my life.
Thanks Joe, I will definitely keep reading and look into that thread.
Originally Posted by SoTorn
Originally Posted by Jtayl71
SoTorn, thank you for your words. I am not over weight 6' and 155, just have genetic back problems, I do daily core exercises and weekly classes to help it out. I have been with an IC for about six months and have no plans on stopping, it has helped me tremendously. I am in a much better place with myself than I was when our separation began, I didnt use the first month or so of separation too wisely but my counselor basically told me the same thing so I have been on a better path since then.
I have asked her straight to her face if there is anyone else and she looks me dead in the eye and swears there is not. I know not to believe her but my wife used to be very easy to read if she was lying, she keeps all her emotions showing on her face. But the woman I knew is no more at this moment and that is a hard pill to swallow. Thanks again for yalls support.
Thats good man, keep your emotional health up and your physical health up. Sorry for your back issues. The biggest thing that you need to remember is that this is a gift of time to focus on yourself. Be the man you have always wanted to be. Get out and do things you have always wanted. Keep yourself extremely busy. Be the man only a fool would leave.
I am working hard at that but I am still early in my sitch. August 2018 was my first BD, A confirmed October 31st. I am focusing on myself. The one biggest thing that I am having an issue with right now is letting my anger get the best of me and saying something about it. I know I can't bottle the emotions up, but I need not direct them at my WW. I need to go to the gym daily. I am going to do that now starting now.
I am going to do the best that I can do. I told her to her face that I am still her husband and will continue to be until papers are signed but I'm not going to pursue someone who doesnt want me back. Now the hard part is following through with that and doing as you say, becoming the man only a fool would leave. When we first met, I was that person at least I felt more like that person than I have lately. Its a work in progress to get back to that point. I completely understand about the anger, luckily I've been able to redirect it in other ways, I did a lot of physical projects around the house that needed to get done to focus my energy. But mostly I just feel sad, for the situation and also for her, that I was a part of making her go through this stage and also sad that she can be so shallow to some of the people that have loved her the most in her life. Its definitely been hard. I will keep reading and I really appreciate all the support.
