This is part of the reason why the D rate is so high because you are 7 months in and make this statement. That statement is insane 7 months in that means you haven't listened to anything anyone ha told you. Most people by the time they get here have done a ton of damage and most continue to make the same mistakes seven months in.
It will be 12 months since BD in a couple of weeks. It took me 7 months to just begin the detachment/DB process.
Originally Posted by LH19
I made that statement and I do not have the numbers to back it up. Based on my perception of being here for 4 years.
I'm a numbers guy. A google search tend to back that figure. It's up to me to not contribute to the statistic in my second R.
Originally Posted by LH19
No you can be detached and hold onto hope. As long as it doesn't effect you from moving forward in your life. I wouldn't say I hold onto to hope but if my ex was to come to me and commit to doing the work on my terms I would consider a reconciliation. It doesn't stop me from living my life.
This is the answer I am looking for. Thank you.
Originally Posted by LH19
Depends on what you mean. Progress in yourself? Most likely if you are putting in the work. Progress with W? Not if she is in an affair.
Both. Difference is that I KNOW I am making progress in myself. A lot of it.
When I found out the extent of her R to OM, I knew that all of the "progress" I thought I was making with WW was nothing at all.
Originally Posted by LH19
You don't believe it now but you will get to a point where you will realize that you are done with the BS and move on.
I am having no other choice but to start believing the ugly truth. And that stinks.
I'll do you one better....you ever seen Saving Private Ryan? The beach scene at the start where the men are pinned down on the beach? What did they do? Against their fears of death, they got up and moved forward because to stay where they were meant certain death. Think about that. At some point, you must get up and get off the beach and ain't a d88n soul gonna tell you it's easy, but it must be done.
"lusa just a word of caution. Be careful with pronouncements of finality. The threads here are littered with LBSs that were at the I am done point, only to turn around in a day or two to be about to initiate an R talk, and I miss her so much, I can't live without her language. This is a process. Fear is the first emotion. Anger follows. Then you move back into fear. Then to resignation, then to anger, then to fear. It is literally a roller-coaster ride.
Remember, she is on her own roller-coaster too. That is why being detached, remaining calm, being ever present is so important. The analogy is like a lighthouse. No matter what the seas are like you are there on the shore as a rock steady beckon of light.
So while you shouldn't shun these emotions, you need to feel them as you are experiencing them, neither should you use them to make final decisions. There will be plenty of time for that. Remebmer, limbo is the gift of time."
And it's stuff like the quotes above that just continues to scramble everything. I know that I need to decide when enough is enough, but I just wonder...have I dragged it out for far too long?
pain...there's not a single LBS that has been on here that hasn't felt terrified, afraid, etc. it is a normal feeling when our lives are going through lots of change and we feel like we've lost control of what our lives were.
from the quote you made...she is on her own roller coaster too. that's a good thing for your sitch. Also it says "neither should you use them to make final decisions" so you DO NOT now need to say when enough is enough. You have TIME. You do not have to do anything now really than take care of and work on yourself. And crazily enough just doing that is the best thing you can do for yourself in this situation.
it's said around here at the LBS has more power than they know and it's never really over until they decide it is. find ways that work for you to balance your feelings. you really don't have to do anything but take care of yourself and your children right now.
I have been thinking of what to get W for Christmas, if I do get her anything. I was thinking of giving her some cash along with a note along the lines of not forcing love and setting her free and whatnot. But I go back and forth.
Don't get her anything, and don't give her a note. Both would be the worst kind of pursuit behavior and I think you know by now that pursuit is getting you nowhere.
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My heart sunk when I stumbled upon a post that said that 90% of the folks who post here end up getting divorced.
I've been here a long time and I'd say that number is probably more like 50% to 75%. But here's something the numbers don't tell you. DB'ing is about fighting for your M by not fighting. By focusing on yourself and giving your spouse time and space. Well guess what happens if you DB properly? Eventually you find your balls again and realize you have a lot of value as a person and you don't need to put up with crappy behavior from a crappy excuse for a wife. Eventually you realize that beautiful, loving, tender, caring woman you married has been abducted and you're trying to recon with some hateful, angry, vengeful, remorseless, adulterous creature inhabiting her old shell. Most LBS's end up getting an opportunity to recon, but it comes so far down the road that they've moved on to the point that they no longer want that person in their life. LBS's all come here thinking they are powerless, but they are in fact masters of their own destiny, even eventually making the final decision to recon or not. They just don't know it yet.
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The other 10% were just fortunate that things somehow started to work out.
BS. The ones that recon (and it is way more than 10%) are mostly model DBers that have put in a TON of work. And then once they recon they continue to work their tails off. It's not just luck that gets them there, and it sure as hell isn't coming to the DB boards and ignoring all advice while doing all the wrong things because they think their sitch is different or they know better.
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Is it still considered being attached if I still hold on to hope? Or do I need to let go of that as well?
Hope is yours for as long as you want it. Hope is what drives us to do amazing things in life. ALWAYS have hope.
