burned right through another thread

[burned]

And you’re already divorced. Don’t you remember I divorced you a couple threads ago? Fundamentally, how is that different from what a judge will do?

Now I'm really confused.

What I think you mean is that the L will just give me the specific info I need so that I can make decisions about how best to handle the nuts and bolts.

So I'm leaving the last part, the filing, up to her. In other words, we will be divorced in every sense except the legal sense. But I let her do that part? Why?

Gonna throw some punches with the trainer to clear my head...

[Ready2Change]

by clicking you can go WAYYYYYYYY back in time

[TJT]

It's entirely possible that the L will recommend that we just work it out between us and have her (the L) as a guide only.

Just had to comment on this (sorry a little late): Ls are working. It is an L's job to be an L. Yes they can have compassion and empathy and advise you, but please also just watch out for an L who may pressure you or say things that might try to convince you to spend more time with them. It is not in their best interest to do things quickly or efficiently. Their literal job is to represent and "protect" you legally - that means they often propose things that will take longer and cost MORE money because it's the best "deal" for you. At the end of the day you have to weigh how much protection you're getting with how much you're paying them. It may not balance out. There's a sort of joke about divorce proceedings that says it's never 50/50 because such a big chunk of what each person "wins" in the divorce ends up going to attorneys.

There ARE limited scope Ls out there who will allow you to pay a set fee for things like reviewing paperwork that you and W take the first pass at completing, to make sure the language is all good and will stand in court, etc. Maybe you already know this, but just wanted to throw it out there.

Aside from that, I agree with what others have said. I don't think you really want to instigate D yet. I've had the same thoughts in terms of being afraid if my H does it, it won't be done "right", or how it might otherwise benefit me (even just from an optics standpoint in future relationships!) to be the one who files first, or even being paranoid that the longer I go without filing, maybe the more his guilt will wane and therefore maybe later he will be less agreeable and try to fight me on things rather than us agreeing on things as we have so far. But ultimately it does come down to whether you truly, 100% feel ready, without any question.

Until then, it [censored] to be in this space where you're trying to GAL but you're also still legally married. Yes, even though there's nothing else but paper that would be different in your relationship than what's happening now after D, I get how that still feels like heavy baggage psychologically. But I would say unless there are super high stakes where you do want to make sure you get legal issues sorted ASAP, just keep waiting it out and let her do what she wants to do.

My H told me almost a month ago that he was getting the paperwork together as a "heads up". I only responded with "ok" and guess what? I haven't heard from him since then...

My family certainly doesn't like that I'm taking this stance. They think I should just get it over with and move on with my life. But I know I'm not ready and that in situations like this, others around you also feel the discomfort of what's going on because they care for you, and therefore their recommendations are just as much to remove that discomfort for THEM. They don't have the insight that we are giving you here AND they haven't been in the relationship with your W, so it's easy for them as a third party to just say "to hell with it".

What you definitely don't want is to file and finalize everything and then you're basically still in the same spot emotionally, but then blaming yourself for the D now too because you have second thoughts after the fact!

[MoveFrwd]

My point was that the piece of paper the judge grants doesn’t really mean much practically for you.

I asked you a few threads back if me declaring you divorced would help. I was making a joke ^^^ calling back to my earlier post.

In any case, there isn’t much to fear when you’ve been living as a divorced pair for months.

[burned]

I went to meet with L. She's great, and she was fine with taking a small retainer to just give me advice as needed.

She looked at the numbers I had come up with and said they are favorable. If W is OK with the plan, she just has to agree, and then we go to the courthouse together, waive the cool-down period, waive the final hearing, pay some stupidly small fee (less than $100) and walk out of the courthouse divorced. It's really simple, and we could be done by the end of the month if the judge is in town.

She said it's up to me if I want to transfer assets before the final decree, but in the meantime I don't really owe W anything and I've been more than generous to her since we S. Just about everything else that is being divided is already in one person's name or the other, with the exception of the house. For the house, my offer is for her to assume the mortgage by June 2019, in which case I will sign a quit claim, or sell it, in which case she keeps the proceeds. Furniture, tools, other little things, we divvy it up like grown-ups.

Interesting tidbit, I was very honest with L about my sitch, and she said she's seen it plenty of times, and has even seen couples bail at the last minute. Like, in front of the judge or on the way to court, "Nope, let's not do this." I said, "Yeah, maybe the ones who have kids," and she said the most recent example was an older couple whose kids were already out of the house. So who knows! Life is weird. OK, so add L to the list of people with experience who have firsthand knowledge that D can be avoided at any point and that D does not preclude R.

So the question: what's the DB way of handling this? Should I fill out all the forms and send them to her so she can consider the offer? Or do I only do the financial transfer she specifically asked for and then let it hang? I think I know the answer but I want to make sure I'm not overlooking something.

Edit: just saw this in another thread.

Their minds are a mess in this state and if they truly wanted what they are asking for would press forward more aggressively.

[MoveFrwd]

It's really hard for any of us to give you legal advice. I would avoid doing something "because she wants it" and think about what is best for you. What does the "financial transfer" entail.....is that the road you want to go down? Is there merit in completing the forms and submitting them? I mean, there is if you want to be divorced....So, it's kind of up to you and what you think will be the best outcome for you, whether financially, personally, emotionally, etc.

Im glad you had the opportunity to talk to someone. Knowledge is power. Maybe it will help you to not be as scared of the ominous future...

[AnotherStander]

So the question: what's the DB way of handling this? Should I fill out all the forms and send them to her so she can consider the offer? Or do I only do the financial transfer she specifically asked for and then let it hang? I think I know the answer but I want to make sure I'm not overlooking something.

The DB way is not to pursue D. If she pursues D then you don't help, but you don't try to hold up the process either. You let her do all the work. If I understand correctly, you are the one initiating D? Which is fine if you feel that's what you want, but since DBing is about saving M's there's not really any DB rules on how to proceed with D yourself. My suggestion if you are proceeding would be to get it all on paper and give it to her for review. My ex generated the paperwork, I reviewed it and then we had an informal meeting to review my comments. Then she had it revised and that became the official filing.

[burned]

If I understand correctly, you are the one initiating D? Which is fine if you feel that's what you want

It's not what I want and I'm doing everything I can do to avoid initiating it. She says she is "working on the paperwork" and asked me to separate the finances so she can "list it on the form when we file." I went to the L yesterday who said I'm pretty much set no matter what happens, I don't really have to do anything until one or both of us files but it's up to me. I have a sense of what my offer would be and it's fair for both of us.

Based on what W has been saying, she wants to do it the easy way where we just agree to the terms and file our agreement, which the judge then signs and we're done. It's true that it will be relatively simple since we don't have kids and most of the separating has been done already. But I haven't seen any of the forms yet. She has been busy with school, and I suspect that now that she has a month off she will finish it up and send me her offer. Then I get to say what I want and see if she agrees.

So I'm letting her do the work but it does require some cooperation on my part.

I just don't want this to happen.

[Ready2Change]

I do not understand why DBers are always hung up with the paperwork. It is a legal agreement. That is it.

And it really boils down to documenting:

1) how assets are split and how they are "equalized" on a balance sheet.
2) if and how future "Financial payments" are are made.

3) parenting arrangements.


Whatever cookie you are arguing about, either you split it, or she splits it. The other person picks the half.

You have legal advise on how you split the cookie. Split the cookie. See if she agrees.

[burned]

So we make the legal agreement, split the cookie, and move on?

Then she's free to do whatever she wants, including choosing whether or not to be with me.

I responded to her text about finances after 5 days, saying, basically, OK let's do this. And now I haven't heard anything from her all day. Weird. Hope trouble isn't brewing.