Thanks for chiming in! She was definitely pushing things along quickly. I think it was the kind of situation where she wants to "fail fast" and figure out quickly if it was going to work or not because she doesn't have a lot of time. She mentioned that she even had been scheduled to freeze eggs! She clearly didn't have a lot of trust in me being ready to be in a serious relationship since I was 100% open about my sitch. She expressed that repeatedly, to the point that I think it was as much about her insecurities as it was about me.
I actually had been seeing one other woman, but I pulled back from that because this was getting serious. I didn't and don't want to string someone along as a plan B. If I feel a connection with someone and it seems to be reciprocated I am not comfortable dating other people. That's just my own values. So, I'm starting again from zero. It's not what I wanted, but I am not going to be brokenhearted over it either. It was an intense three weeks, but it was still just three weeks. Plus, I have learned that holding on and torturing yourself is not a healthy choice. I know that I have the ability to let it go, so I will. If she wants to come back, much like my WAW, I'll deal with that if/when it occurs.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
My W stopped by last night early to walk the dog so we chatted a bit - nothing serious, just about our shared gym membership and the process of canceling that. But as she left with the dog, she asked me if I wanted to see the new motorcycle that she just bought (with her own money). I grudgingly obliged, just to be polite, and gave her a half-hearted "it's nice."
I was struck by two things: 1) How little I gave a f#ck about her motorcycle, and 2)What the h#ll is going through her head to think that I want to see it? She was really excited about sharing this new part of her life with me, and clearly expected me to respond with enthusiasm. Really? It's not like I am a motorcycle enthusiast who loves bikes, nor had I asked her anything about it, nor had I shared anything about my own life over the past 8 months with her. She is just so damn clueless. It's clear that she is in some fantasy world where I want to hear about these things.
Secondly, the doctor who stopped seeing me sent me a text asking if we could be friends now. I didn't respond. Later in the day, I did drop off some things that she had left in my house (hoping that she wouldn't be there.) She was there, so we spoke for a moment, but it got very awkward very fast when she said to me, "So, you don't want to be my friend?" in a serious tone. I told her that I hadn't said that, but upon further reflection that comment really turned me off. It was just very manipulative as she was preying upon my niceness to try to get her desired result (the two of us hanging out). She had earlier told me that she would respect my decision not to continue on as friends, just as I respected her decision to stop seeing each other, but it seems clear to me that she doesn't respect it. She wants to get what she wants regardless of my desires. I have seen this sort of emotional manipulation in the distant past from ex-gfs, and have a hard time understanding the mentality behind it. I suppose if I am being honest I was probably emotionally manipulative with my W in the months prior to BD and just after it as well, as I thought I "deserved" her love and made her feel guilty for being unhappy or leaving me. I guess this is how it feels to be on the receiving end of it. If anything it strengthened my resolve to leave this short term relationship in the past and focus on the future.
On a positive note I have had some success in meeting women through OLD, and have three dates set up in the next few days. Hopefully one of them (and not more!) goes well and there is a connection!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
You seem so far in the path of detachment Davide, I am so happy for you. The whole motorcycle incident confused me, she’s testing waters by asking if you want to be friends and trying to share her new life with you. I agree it is emotionally manipulative but understand as a woman she’s trying to check if you are still taking the bait before she feels you in again. Why are you going along though? It’s very clear you don’t want to be friends and you have told her that. She doesn’t have the emotional maturity to even be your friend now so stop being nice for the sake of it. WW I have decided it’s healthy to not have anything to do with each other’s life, good luck but I don’t want to see your motorcycle. Post BD what you did wasn’t emotional manipulation, the person you thought you will spend rest of your life with cut all ties with you so you were being human With everything else I think you are doing exceptionally well. She’s having huge doubts and it’s a good thing, let her be the queen of her own drama, you have quit that show a long time back
I don't think that i am taking the bait or playing along. She has sent me a couple of emails about random things -- like people stealing cars by cloning key fobs, and how I should protect my key fobs -- ridiculous stuff, and I simply don't engage. Perhaps I could have turned down her invitation to look at her motorcycle, it just seemed rude in the moment, and I certainly wasnt going to play along and be enthused about it. Whatever, I don't think it is a big deal nor do I think I gave her the wrong impression.
In terms of emotional manipulation, I beg to disagree. While it is completely normal and human after the unexpected dissolution of a long term R, trying to guilt someone into staying is wrong. It is using her guilt to get her to do something she didn't want to do. Obviously it is not a very effective long-term strategy either. It is why so many people here told me to stop trying to control her in any way. Love has to be a free choice. I don't want anyone manipulating my emotions, so I need to act in the same way. respect for one's partner as a unique individual with free will is crucial for a healthy relationship.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Hi D, I am reading your posts and you are handling interactions with W like a CHAMP! I also see that you have ventured out into the world of dating and have had some results from it. You have shown me and others how to properly DB. You have accepted your sitch and progressed and grown. D - I'm proud of you. Continue to be your genuine self and I'm sure you will find your eternal peace and happiness. Cheers!!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
I don't think that I have done anything particularly well in this process. I have been fortunate in the fact that my W and I physically separated the day after BD 8 months ago and have probably had less than half a dozen serious interactions since then. The time and space provided has pushed me to detach because there is literally nothing to hold onto. I see so many WAS that are manipulative or constantly temp-check, and I know that I would have struggled to endure those tests and it would have slowed my progress. My W has been consistent and compassionate in the process, letting me go on my journey as much as I have let her go on hers.
It has been my goal to be as authentic and true to myself as possible, a big part of that was simply finding out who that is. I was as co-dependent as they come before I started this process and had no sense of my own identity outside of the MR. Thankfully I had good friends and family to count on to help me, as well as a high degree of self-discipline which I credit to my background as a distance runner. The mental training of pushing myself to run long distances day after day was invaluable conditioning for this process. I knew what it was like to grind day in and day out with only very limited short-term gratification, all in the name of long-term progress. I also give a huge amount of credit to the 2x4s and support I received here. They shone light on the blind spots which I had and caused me to question my behavior and reactions.
Dating has been an interesting experience. I am trying to be as open and honest and true to myself as possible. I am finding that most of the women in my age range already have families. They are in a very different place in life than I am, and it is difficult to reconcile that. I would very much like to have a family, but I always imagined that as meaning children of my own. I'm still working out how I feel about joining an already formed family. Not to mention the fact that single working mothers often have very little time to dedicate to dating. I saw a woman on Sunday and she was quite interesting and attractive, but she has two little children, a high-powered banking job, and lives a good distance from me (in the same city, but barely.) It is hard to tell if an attraction and shared values can trump logistical obstacles.
Being honest and open about my situation also causes difficulties. I wait until meeting women in person before sharing the details of my sitch (particularly the fact that I am only 8 months separated) as it seems like the sort of personal information that shouldn't be shared online. A number of the women I have met have clearly not been comfortable with it, though generally they are hesitant to come out and say it. Regardless, I refuse to start any sort of relationship with a lie. It cuts down on the pool of interested women greatly.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
So, as part of a longer email dealing with finances and the dog and logistics, etc... my W wrote the following:
"I don't know why... I still feel that we have issues to deal with, not just financial. I still have questions about us, but maybe that is egotistical (ha, that's me) and it's not fair to ask you them. I know that you are trying to leave all this behind and go forward. I admit that I have not been able to turn the page and I would like for us to talk more but I understand if you can't do it. In that case, well I'll have to struggle with my own unresolved issues without understanding your perspective."
God, that is frustrating. I think the worst part is that I am leaving town on Saturday for two weeks to spend time with family and friends over the holidays. The last thing I want is to have a conversation with her hanging over my head. 6 months ago I would have looked at this as a possible opening to discuss R, but I am no longer so naive. She is lost and confused, but still with OM for the past 6 months (so not THAT confused!) She clearly wants closure and a good feeling out of this, while I have been and still am resigned to the fact that I will never get either.
I suppose the DB way would be to have the conversation, listen to her, validate when appropriate, answer direct questions, and listen some more. Part of me simply wants to reply, "Yeah that is pretty egotistical, f#ck off." The other part wants to hear what she has to say, though I know it won't be satisfying in any meaningful way. I know better than to respond when my emotions are aroused, but at the same time tonight or tomorrow would be the only opportunity for us to speak if that is to happen, and I do not want to leave it hanging. I already responded to the logistical questions, with no mention of this part.
Who wants to be the first to hit me with a 2x4?
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
