First post here. What direction now??

[Ready2Change]

When I continually give you sound advise and you continually ignore it, I will stop posting to you.



That is my boundary. It is how I am going to respond to your behavior. It is not controlling.

[Ready2Change]

I see a text on the phone bill from her to him last night. UGH.

So I can read this two ways:

1) You are reviewing a phone bill last night and see a text happened in the past
2) She texted him last night.


I believe it is #2. Correct?

[burned]

Here's a boundary you don't have to SAY but consider it:

When my lying cheater of a wife uses her phone to text her boyfriend, I stop paying for the phone.

[DC421]

Hey guys...I’m trying here. As you know, it’s a learn as you live situation. Doing my best here.

Tell me how you’d handle this... she came home tonight and started asking about the plans for the holiday weekend. Giving me choices as to the schedule. Then threw in “we’ll me relative doesn’t have her kids on Christmas Day...so I might go see her.” I simply said...if that’s how you want to spend Christmas Day. If she thinks it’s a good idea to be apart on Christmas Day...then I want her to dress in black and go play in nighttime traffic. But I struggle with the correct response.

If she goes thru with this...then it’s clearly time to move on.

[burned]

If she goes thru with this...then it’s clearly time to move on.

That’s a decision based on an emotion and I am confident that you won’t feel the same way by the end of tomorrow.

Always remember that there’s not much you can do to make this better (not directly, at least), but there’s always something you can do to make it worse. It never hurts to wait a bit and think things through.

“If that’s how you want to spend Christmas” is a good ATTITUDE but when you say it that way it sounds kind of passive-aggressive. You might as well let out a big sigh and frown at her.

Next time, maybe, “OK, sounds good.” Smile, and go do something else. Message: I don’t control you, you can do whatever you want. But I’m living my life. You’re welcome to join me, but I’ll be happy whether or not you do. Use as few words as possible.

Circling back around: it IS clearly time to move on. Not literally, not yet. But in spirit. She’s already working on building her new life. Why aren’t you? The sooner she feels like you’re walking away, the better. You are a champion and you’re packing your bags because some other lady out there is gonna want a piece. You’re far too valuable to chase after someone who doesn’t want you.

Edit: you deserve extra credit for not taking that WW bait. Any response (including yours) is better than “Why, don’t you love me, don’t you want to be with me on Christmas?!” That’s what she was after, and that’s what she didn’t get. Be prepared for her to take it up a notch next time.

[DC421]

Thanks burned! Needed that. Time to sleep on all of this.

[Ready2Change]

Tell me how you’d handle this... she came home tonight and started asking about the plans for the holiday weekend. Giving me choices as to the schedule.

H:"I am not sure. I will let you know my plans when I have decided"

Then threw in “we’ll me relative doesn’t have her kids on Christmas Day...so I might go see her.”

H:"What time would you be leaving?"

[Adam04]

Hey DC421,

Sorry to hear of your sitch but you're at the right place, in the right hands.

DC, in my sitch, WW hasn't admitted openly she is involved in an A and I did some snooping in the beginning, which felt like crap. I used a location tracker, saw phone bills and later saw her installing apps after BD. I stopped it. People here helped me see my worth and I realized I was in a fog. I was asked if I knew more, would it change what I would be doing and my answer was no. I'd still be 180, detaching and GAL.

I think you're on the right track. Keep posting and asking questions. Also keep reading. I'm starting to branch away from marriage saving literature to self help and the power of self differentiation and self love. I discounted things early like how family of origin issues didn't apply to me right now but taking another look at it, it does. So I try to revisit posts and rethink things through. Burned also suggested I write stuff down outside of here to journal and help keep track of my progress. With a live in spouse I am a little reluctant to do that, for now, but it's a great idea I'm going to do soon. It can be a lot to take in. You have time. If you feel or think you need to say something important to her, feel free to come here first and share.


Snooping caused you to get angry because she lied to you, but more so because you want to believe her. Once you start to believe in the process and go through it, you will notice the change. Detach, believe nothing of what they say and 50 % of what they do. That change will have an effect on your sitch.

It's good that you are reading a lot of the info here. It's invaluable, really pay attention to what Sandi said About respect and the WW.


-Burned, that's two lols you got from me in this thread... I like how that boundary rolled off the tongue.

-R2C, great example because for me it's got impact, not a weak nut boundary. And many cases, less is best or least is beast?

[burned]

Then threw in “we’ll me relative doesn’t have her kids on Christmas Day...so I might go see her.”

H:"What time would you be leaving?"

Yes! Awesome.

[Phoenix9]

DC, as you continue to post, make sure you follow up on others' sitches as well.

R2C's Quotes threads are gold.