another day, another thread, another burned

[Phoenix9]

It's CRAZY how huge the emotional swings are...STILL. I don't know what W is going through. Maybe it's the same, crazy swings, but I can't tell from the texts she sends, just the same as she can't tell from my texts. Maybe we both try to mind read and we're both thinking the other person is something they aren't. If that makes any sense.

The reason I say that is because this morning I could barely get out of bed. Just now when I was downstairs boxing I thought to myself (metaphorically):

B, I'm learning that it's not crazy to swing emotionally so quickly. It's healthy. MWD told us that this journey is never smooth. It's very jagged with random peaks and valleys.

You can't avoid it, you learn to navigate through it.

We're doing good, brother.

[burned]

Went to the bookstore for some last-minute Christmas shopping. Note to self: the self-help section never changes and it always makes you sad, so stop going there! Yeah, OK, self, but I had to go there to get a copy of “You Are a Bad@ss” because I need another rebuild-your-life book for the upcoming week. The “fix your relationship” books are headed for the Yucky Box along with the socks I got from MIL last year.

It’s incredible to me how well I knew W and how devoted I was to her, at least in terms of my main love language, gifts. In the bookstore I kept thinking, oh, W would love that, or, that would make her laugh, stuff like that. Also the cookbook section reminded me of all the times she said she wished I would sit with her in the kitchen while she was baking, just to talk about our day, like our parents did. Instead I was on the couch with a beer. She must have been so lonely, even when I was 10 feet away. Sad for her. Missed opportunities. You live, you learn.

Something that wouldn’t have happened pre-BD: I got my parents each a little journal. They’re in their mid-70s and I’m hoping they might write down their stories, words of wisdom, stuff that we were usually uncomfortable talking about with each other because it was considered “improper.” After my life exploded, I started being a lot more authentic and vulnerable and all those other trendy words. So now it’s safe to ask them what got them through this crazy thing we call life.

Also got myself a crossword puzzle book and a new journal. Merry Christmas to ME!

Earlier today she got back to me about the financial transfer stuff. The sitch is still real and there are no signs of it changing course. I’ll just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Someday I won’t feel this pain. Someday I’ll have someone else to buy books for. Maybe her? Doubtful but one never knows.

I am the best option. I am the prize. I was here in the beginning and I’ll still be here if she never looks back. In the end she’s the fool, not me.

[Twofeet]

B,

Check out the book "The way of Men" I am not sure it's a SH book per say, but it would be good for you to read.
How is Switzerland going? You going or not? Btw are you Swiss German or Swiss French?
Did you say you brew beer? If so why aren't you? If not why don't you?

[burned]

Swiss French, mostly. Haven’t made any solid plans yet but I did recently get back in touch with a relative there who would love to host me.

Might do a batch of beer or two over winter break. Just got my new equipment delivered to replace what had broken over the years. I want to do a farmhouse ale and maybe a mock-Guinness or otherwise an English brown ale. Maybe all 3! Need to stock up on bottles, each batch is 5 gallons!

[Twofeet]

The “fix your relationship” books are headed for the Yucky Box along with the socks I got from MIL last year.

These books arent bad if you can learn something from them, and prevent future mistakes.

It’s incredible to me how well I knew W and how devoted I was to her, at least in terms of my main love language, gifts. In the bookstore I kept thinking, oh, W would love that, or, that would make her laugh, stuff like that. Also the cookbook section reminded me of all the times she said she wished I would sit with her in the kitchen while she was baking, just to talk about our day, like our parents did. Instead I was on the couch with a beer. She must have been so lonely, even when I was 10 feet away. Sad for her. Missed opportunities. You live, you learn.

You pine a lot for your W, and I get it. I don't go around every corner pining for my W and neither should you. That being said I have 3 people that remind me of my W when they spend their 50% of time with me. I guess what I am getting at is your pine for her but what about you? Put your focus on you.

Something that wouldn’t have happened pre-BD: I got my parents each a little journal. They’re in their mid-70s and I’m hoping they might write down their stories, words of wisdom, stuff that we were usually uncomfortable talking about with each other because it was considered “improper.” After my life exploded, I started being a lot more authentic and vulnerable and all those other trendy words. So now it’s safe to ask them what got them through this crazy thing we call life.

This is great! Our parents and elders have lived a longer life and have much wisdom to share.

Also got myself a crossword puzzle book and a new journal. Merry Christmas to ME!

Earlier today she got back to me about the financial transfer stuff. The sitch is still real and there are no signs of it changing course. I’ll just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Someday I won’t feel this pain. Someday I’ll have someone else to buy books for. Maybe her? Doubtful but one never knows.

I try to show support and not give a lot of advice because I humbly feel I am not the best person for giving advice. That being said here goes... Don't worry about buying books or gifts for another person or W. Don't focus, hope, or dream for a R with W or any other woman right now. The one thing you need to do here is focus on the R with yourself. Rebuild your own foundation and your own house. People come and go, but you will always have yourself to contend with. Some of the best things to happen in my life were never sought, they just happened.

I am the best option. I am the prize. I was here in the beginning and I’ll still be here if she never looks back. In the end she’s the fool, not me.

Don't just say it, live it and believe it.
Just showing my support. Hang in there bud.

[Twofeet]

Swiss French, mostly. Haven’t made any solid plans yet but I did recently get back in touch with a relative there who would love to host me.

Might do a batch of beer or two over winter break. Just got my new equipment delivered to replace what had broken over the years. I want to do a farmhouse ale and maybe a mock-Guinness or otherwise an English brown ale. Maybe all 3! Need to stock up on bottles, each batch is 5 gallons!

My 2cents....

Unless you got a heat jacket or something to keep the ferment temps up pretty high to really go bone dry and bump up the esters I would save the farmhouse for the summer.

You should look online on some of the brewing forums and find a recipe for founders breakfast stout. Unfortunately, I can't get this beer where I currently live, but its a really good stout.

Also my 2 cents would be to drop the bottles and go with the soda kegs. It saves so much mess and headaches. Plus it gives your friends an excuse to come over and fill up a growler.

[burned]

The one I’m trying to recreate is called Farmhand from Brewery Vivant in Grand Rapids. I’ll wait until it’s hot out. Might do an imperial stout, slow ferment. Heat pump keeps room temp at 68 all day and night. And yeah, D effectively doubles my disposable income so a keg system might end up being a viable opportunity. “Your beer stuff is everywhere!” said nobody in my apartment.

[Wanted1]

“Your beer stuff is everywhere!” said nobody in my apartment.

Funny, I’m looking forward to not having to hear about how I have too much hunting and fishing stuff and it being “everywhere.” Pulled the trigger on a new Garmin panoptix for ice fishing last night. Merry Christmas, Wanted!

[Ready2Change]

reminded me of all the times she said she wished I would sit with her in the kitchen while she was baking, just to talk about our day...She must have been so lonely, even when I was 10 feet away. Sad for her. Missed opportunities. You live, you learn.

I need to do this more. Thanks for sharing.

[DC421]

Burned- You’ve offered me some great advice since my arrival here this week. I’m still spending time learning your story...and I’m sorry you miss your w. But it sounds like you are, indeed, putting one foot in front of the other. Love your attitude of “too much beer stuff in apt” lol. Good for you. For me it would be golf equipment.

While I am fighting to save my marriage...I’m not afraid of divorce. I’ve done it before. It was easy to leave first wife as she had spiraled into alcohol and drug abuse. But we had small kids at that time....and all of that fell on me. It wasn’t fun and gave me zero time to GAL. The divorce itself was ugly and expensive. But i took precautions to prevent that if we get to that point this time. So I’m not scared. I’ve already met with my atty and it would be fairly simple. Plus, my kids are all adults now. I do have a disabled son and I am his legal guardian...but he lives in a group home for now. So my ability to really GAL would be advantageous. Sometimes that sounds better than this fight to save...certainly easier.

But, like you, I know I would miss her and the life we have made together. And sometimes I just want to walk away after what she has done. I guess it’s good that I can see positives no matter the outcome? It’s all certainly been a wake up call that I needed.

When I was dating before I met w...I read a book that said “be indifferent to the outcome” for any date. It really worked...and I found myself saying no to a few women because of it...as they started pursuing me. I think the DBing might have a similar effect. If I’m detached from the outcome...then I’m doing it for me and not for a goal. I’m really starting to see that the 180s/rules can have that effect on me. I don’t know...just thinking out loud.

But yes...you live, you learn. Ever listened to the songs “Waiting For My Real Life to Begin” or “Shadow Days”. Both tell a good story a lot of us can relate to...again and again.

But I appreciate the advice and support I’ve received here...from you and many others.