#9 - Keeping up on 180s......self-differentiation.

[lost8]

Steve...I am reading what everyone is saying and your thoughts of what you really want. You have told me a million times that time is a gift right now.....and you are no longer desperate to R ASAP! I feel like you have had your epiphany!

You can honestly say that you have dropped the rope! Maybe this is the goal that we work towards and why we DB. How can we see through life if we are being held back by someone that doesn't compliment us. I'm not saying run away now but wow I have hit this point to where I want to experience life again....I have been in my M for 18 years and I have now seen the light that I want to run to.

What are we really Ring.....the old M? We all admit those Ms and our old Ws are gone so what's the use of Ring? I can say I regret the person I married except for the sons that she gave me but even if I say that I will still have my sons.

I truly believe this is the point that we must all reach. If the new you and the new W can make it from here it will be an entirely new relationship, not a repaired one. I say bravo, take the time you need, be happy, be civil and fair like a good person would be but we are not tied to this person anymore if we don't want to be.

I'm happy for you Steve, this is the kind of decision that most here would love to have because it is all about you and your kids and yes we are always in control of ourselves, never should our lives be dictated by others.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Steve,

During my parenting meetings with my children, I repeatedly say:

"The easy path is the hard path and the hard path is the easy path"

IE: "Put the hard work into your study's now and life will be easier when you are an adult"

I am sure you can see this.


My understanding is Piecing is Extremely hard. I have not done it, just read some comments here. Some say it is magnitudes harder than the work they put in DBing. It would be good to find insight from someone that made it to the other side of Piecing.

[SteveLW]

Give those feelings the 48 hour rest. Take more days. You can´t be spending the days that come into that state of mind. Then you´ll see what left.

And you are talking like a MLCer too...check symptoms. I´m worried about it.

Yep, its been about a week since I started feeling this way, slowly at first and then it built to the last 2 days. Again I am doing nothing rash. This afternoon I've been much better about hiding my true feelings and things have normalized between us. She isn't so mopey at the moment. Wow is that unattractive by the way. LBSs, do not mope.

I've already said I am wondering if this is what a MLC feels like. The IDC thing is real and strange. I might need to bite the bullet and get back into counseling. The weird thing is I have ZERO desire for MC.

[SteveLW]

OK slow your roll, WAS. Lol

Take time. Think. Feel. This is a critical point in your MR. I think you know you're in a role reversal here.

I know how you feel. After I decided to R with XW I had a couple days of wanting to go experience more women. Hell, even XW sensed it, I think.

You have to be careful here. If you start justifying things to yourself, you really need to take a step back and come here for advice and maybe a 2x4. I'm not saying you're wrong, but you have come too far to lose so much.

Joe agreed, 100%. I will continue to bounce these thoughts and feelings off of you guys before I do anything rash.

[SteveLW]

Hi Steve,

First (()) hang in there.

Did You make a list of reasons why you want MR to work and on why you love W?

Maybe re-read it? And has that list changed? It's okay to allow the pendulum to swing and have all the emotions to flow, it's what you do with them as a balanced man that counts.

Fwiw, I am just starting out on my journey and I've yet to make a list of all the reasons why I want to save M or why I love W. maybe I'm too hurt or my mind/heart just isn't in it right now but my focus is not on her or saving M. I'm excited about this chance for this new me, to grow. I want to be amoafwl and because we have kids and I love her, she gets to have a chance , a fair shot at this, but at the end of the day if it doesn't work out, it doesn't take anything away from what used to be... maybe I'm just too nice and optimistic in thinking every one deserves to be happy. Steve, it was through this thread though where I am really digging into self awareness and loving myself and not relying on love or acceptance from anyone else. I took a few days off from posting, not because I didn't care but because I had to be careful of not replacing one dependency on another, looking for support from here and being dependent on that. Sometimes it's good to just pull back.

I agree with most of what doodler has said, except that the game isn't tailored for one type of person,those with a strong will. It allows for those who are so blinded by love to slowly hop aboard and later realize it's really All about them. Sure some will be stuck on trying to do everything to save M but that's okay. You won't be able to shoot it straight with everyone or they will be running elsewhere for a quick fix. I also agree with joe because I have so many questions on piecing and wondered about the transition from no expectations to flipping this switch where now it's ok to say what you want yet have to deal with the disappointments of not getting what you were expecting. I hope you get the idea behind what I'm trying to say while typing this on my phone. And Amoafwl said the other piece that I had been also thinking about more specifically because of the whole self differentiation. The Balance of self. This whole thing is your journey and has been a positive move forward. An alpha male is balanced. He knows what he wants and communicates that. This is your time in piecing to show and do. I wonder if you did all the prep work because it happened so fast. I don't think sleeping on the other side of the bed is what you want. You still have time, you know patience is a virtue and I know you will figure it out. Allow yourself that, and you control your feelings. You are the one who can make you happy, what do you choose to do to be happy?

Great thought Adam. Especially the part about going from the depths of our sitch to Ring so quickly. I didn't really have time to get logical with it, and instead just reacted. Once I saw her consistently trying in the MR, and it remained consistent, I just went along for the ride. I don't really want to do a list right now because with the way I am feeling I don't think she would rank very well. Nor the MR. This is why I have to push through this to a more objective place before I make any decisions either way. I don't want to just react again, like I did a year ago. Same with the happy question. GAL activity tonight! And I can't wait.

[SteveLW]

Steve,

You are starting to snowball a bit, brother. Slow down. Take a deep breath. I am glad AMOAFWL brought up those points, and I have frequently thought the same. You have been "on" fighting for this M, what seems like 100% of the time. You have also jumped into this board and posted over 3700 times in less than a year time. That has to be a record! Do you perhaps have a bit of perfectionism going on? Mr fix it in overdrive? ... Which is totally awesome! But, not totally sustainable. You must be exhausted! I wonder why you feel a need to do this much and where that stems from?

Your emotions are starting to snowball and you have done a complete 180 in how you feel about your W in a short amount of time. That is the red flag I see here. Why do you think that has happened? You may or you may not want to keep working on this M and stay with W. Either option is fine. But what is not fine is letting your emotions into the drivers seat and completely taking over. Slow down. Take a deep breath. Things are still changing so it is not time to make big decisions.

Your heart is checked out right now and your guard is up. That is fine. Feel it, sit with it, and don't fight it. How about your head/mind tho? If you very logically made a list of pros and cons, things you like vs don't like, what you want in a partner vs don't, etc, etc. If you did that honestly, would it tell a different story? Then you can also put that aside and sit with it. You do not have to fix anything right now -- not for you and not for us -- you are allowed to simply be and live.

Blu

Blu you nailed a lot of it right on the head. I am going to go slow. Thank you for listening and giving me this advice. I need it. I do not know why suddenly I am so checked out and don't care about the MR. All I know is that when she left to get our D from school I felt such a rush of relief and energy. When she is here I am holding it together, but man I just feel like a 20 ton heavy thing is dangling around my neck. Life is too short to live like this.

[SteveLW]

Again the thoughts of life after D are exciting to me.

I've had those thoughts, they definitely come and go. I think people have those even in a "perfect" marriage.

I love her. But I'm not in love with her. Wow.

To quote Dr. Gary Chapman, the average in love experience lasts less than 2 years. I'm still a believer that you can recapture those feelings for hours, days, weeks, or months at a time but life gets in the way. That's why we COMMIT to marriage, so that we are always coming back and promising to recreate our love.

I've slipped back into treating her like the cashier at the store and I think that's what she's feeling.

Anything worth doing is worth doing right. Recognize your emotions and balance them with your thoughts. Easy, right?

You have the option to use your actions to change your feelings. You can choose to love. Or you can choose to say that love is a feeling that can't be created and you just don't have. Both are right.

Good luck Steve, I hope for the best.

Doodler, nice post, thanks for checking in.

Thanks ovr! I know you are going through your own struggles, but that you took the time to stop by and advise me means a lot. Brother we are in this together. Right now I am trying to refrain from making any choices. I am going to glide and ride it out until Jan 2nd. Actually a little after that because I have a big launch at work to get through, and also I have out of town relatives coming in and not leaving until the 7th. But I will really take stock before MLK jr day. And see how I am feeling then.

[SteveLW]

The W had done some changing. I have to give her credit for that. She did the HW assigned by the MC. She has done some 180s. I'm not sure this is really about her.

Im not really saying that it is about her. Im saying this is about you.

You know what every LBSer here says? "I wish my X would have just sat me down and talked about it. These are fixable problems. Love is a choice." And all that jazz.

What are you doing/thinking that is different from all those walkaways we are all so quick to condemn?

Take some time now to figure out what it is you want. Not with respect to W or any other woman. But what is important to you. In your life. For your daughter. In your partner. What are your non-negotiables. What are the things you need. Once you have that list/goals, then you can talk to W and/or D and figure out how to get those things in your life. Your issues wont be solved by another woman. They will be solved by YOU.

I never really stopped to think "is this best for me". Now I'm doing that and the answer isn't so clear.

That is what I am getting at above. Most LBSers have all kinds of time to figure those things out. With your sitch, it rebounded so fast, you didnt get to the point where you understood how to really go about making that list until your were so deep in R that it probably felt like it didnt matter anymore.So take the time for yourself and figure out what is important.

And Steve 2.0 couldn't care less what she is doing on the app or otherwise. I'm so in a place of not caring right now it isn't even funny. Steve 1.0 would be checking the app, searching her name, every 15 minutes, to see what songs, with whom, she has sung. And how much. Steve 2.0 DOES NOT CARE.

So then maybe it's time to talk to Steve3.0. Frankly, if my wife had an EA with some guy and was back on the app doing "more of the same", I would be LIVID. Why WOULDNT you care that she is actively disrespecting the marriage and your relationship? And it isnt your job to make a list....it's your job to explain what you expect in your R. And then it's her job to follow those wishes if she wants to be with you in a relationship. What are your boundaries with respect to this app? How is this go-round different than a year ago? How does this level of disrespect carry out into other realms of her life?

And look....it's great that she likes singing. But come on. If this app is causing issues...again....I just dont understand why it's a thing. Maybe plan a weekly karaoke night. Or join a local choir. There are plenty of ways to have fun singing that dont require an app where she can talk privately with other guys. Why are you willing to make excuses for her?

Amoafwl, the thing is though, I really don't have a desire to fix her. I want to fix myself and my situation. I don't really care anymore if she wants to stay or leave. If she wants to stay and not work on her own stuff. Or what she wants. I am trying to decide what I want. It is a freeing feeling. I was driving this afternoon and I couldn't stop smiling. I actually took it in and said to myself "Wow, this feels amazing!" It is like someone that had 20/300 vision suddenly got glasses (I heard someone else use this analogy on this site). Suddenly I am seeing things for what they really are. The trees actually have individual leaves on them! It feels dynamite.

Steve 2.0 is a rockstar. Maybe there is a Steve 3.0 in the future, but it has taken me a year to find my true self....to truly differentiate. To move away from wanting to be Steve Husband and just be Steve Full Potential. And that Steve, Steve 2.0 isn't concerned with anyone trying to hold him back.

I don't care about the app. The app is her stuff. My stuff is determining my path forward.Like Ovr said, what makes ME happy? And that is being who am I and forgetting about anyone that doesn't like it. That sounds more arrogant than I mean for it too, but what I love is this new sense of "I got this, and I don't need anyone else to carry my water".

[SteveLW]

Steve...I am reading what everyone is saying and your thoughts of what you really want. You have told me a million times that time is a gift right now.....and you are no longer desperate to R ASAP! I feel like you have had your epiphany!

You can honestly say that you have dropped the rope! Maybe this is the goal that we work towards and why we DB. How can we see through life if we are being held back by someone that doesn't compliment us. I'm not saying run away now but wow I have hit this point to where I want to experience life again....I have been in my M for 18 years and I have now seen the light that I want to run to.

What are we really Ring.....the old M? We all admit those Ms and our old Ws are gone so what's the use of Ring? I can say I regret the person I married except for the sons that she gave me but even if I say that I will still have my sons.

I truly believe this is the point that we must all reach. If the new you and the new W can make it from here it will be an entirely new relationship, not a repaired one. I say bravo, take the time you need, be happy, be civil and fair like a good person would be but we are not tied to this person anymore if we don't want to be.

I'm happy for you Steve, this is the kind of decision that most here would love to have because it is all about you and your kids and yes we are always in control of ourselves, never should our lives be dictated by others.

Wow lost. You nailed it man.

"I can say I regret the person I married except for the sons that she gave me but even if I say that I will still have my sons."

I have thought this exact thing for the last 10-14 days so many times. For the first time since all of this went down 12/23/2017, I've had this thought. I expressed this a couple of weeks ago in someone else's thread. I always looked for the wrong thing. I looked for the person that turned me on! Everyone listen to this, this secret to a happy marriage is not finding someone that turns you on, it is finding someone that YOU TURN ON. I discarded so many girls that were just in awe of me, that had me on a pedestal.....for a gal that was like "eh, take you or leave you......what do you have to offer me?" Now I can look back with 20/20 and say, while some of those other gals weren't as sexy or pretty as my W, I think I would have been way happier with them for these last 19 1/2...forget that, last 22 years (including dating). One girl in particular I think we would have been awesome together in hindsight.

And lost the amazing thing is I don't feel like I dropped the rope. I feel like I threw it as far away from me as I possibly could. Freeing.

[SteveLW]

Hi Steve,

During my parenting meetings with my children, I repeatedly say:

"The easy path is the hard path and the hard path is the easy path"

IE: "Put the hard work into your study's now and life will be easier when you are an adult"

I am sure you can see this.


My understanding is Piecing is Extremely hard. I have not done it, just read some comments here. Some say it is magnitudes harder than the work they put in DBing. It would be good to find insight from someone that made it to the other side of Piecing.

R2C, your wisdom is always amazing to me. You are like a modern day Solomon. I agree, if there were someone that successfully pieced out there that could give me some words of encouragement, maybe I'd feel differently right now. And I will keep the appearances up (many of my 180s are permanent and second nature now), but boy does the thought of moving on feel like the right path, hard or easy, right now.