Quotes Found on DivorceBusting Forums (6)

[Ready2Change]

Link

When Piecing:

What also helped was me being direct and open about my feelings without blaming my W.

For example. The A and thoughts of the OM makes me so mad. Instead of your affair and what you did with OM makes me so angry. The first statement is all about how I feel and not about what my W did to me.

Another example. I really want you to call me when you are out because it makes me feel safe and that helps me with trust for our M. Instead of, when you go out you need to call me because I'm having a hard time trusting you. The first is about what you need and less about how you feel about her.

[Phoenix9]

Link

SO ANYHOW!!! I see you are trying to analyze your STBXH’s behavior. Well, let me save you a bunch of time. A) IT DON’T MATTER. B) YOU CAN’T UNDERSTAND IT.

Part A is easy enough. It’s the past. The future matters. The present is where you shape your future. Don’t waste your present dwelling on the past; use the present to plan your improved future. See? EASY. (Lol)

Part B is the weird stuff. All waywards and walkaways exhibit the same general behavior. You get the ILYBINILWY crap. You get the wild out-of-character behavior. You get the God-awful affair partners. You get the gaslighting and the blame shifting. You get the history rewriting. It’s all part of the same playbook. None of it makes sense... And at least in my sitch, I’ve come to find out that it didn’t make sense to my XW either.

She asked me recently why she doesn’t remember the same things I remember or our kids remember. She said it’s all fuzzy to her. She doesn’t remember A LOT, and some of the things she remembers is wildly different than reality. She can’t explain why she left me for an absolute moron who was 10 years older with no job and ED. She doesn’t remember any gaslighting at all. She doesn’t remember the truly heartfelt conversation we had on the last night that I ever spent in my own home before I moved out and the OM moved in. But she does remember the absolutely hateful verbiage she used to insult me. She remembers trying her best to rob me of my masculinity and self-esteem using the most rancid behavior known to humanity. She remembers telling her son that he could not call me Dad anymore. She just can’t explain why she did it. Any of it.

Don’t get me wrong... waywards know what they’re doing. They can be calculated, they can be manipulative, they can be cunning... but it is ALL within the context of their condition. They will fit the Wayward Playbook, which is your survival guide. You will be able to understand that you CAN’T understand why they are doing what they do. You will know that you can only believe 1% of what they say. That they don’t really care about you IN THIS MOMENT. They are narcissists, through and through. They weren’t always like that, but they are now and they may stay that way for a long long time.

My XW lived in the fog the entire time, for an entire YEAR... Until reality kung fu kicked her in the throat and knocked her flat on her ass. That’s when she finally gave me a real apology. She had apologized many times before, but they weren’t asking for forgiveness. They were those empty selfish apologies that are ego-based to make themselves feel better about the horrors that they have incurred. I told myself I’d never talk to her again until I got a real apology asking for forgiveness regardless of the outcome. You know, a REAL apology. She finally admitted to everything and more. And I felt it was genuine because the truth she unwrapped for me was dirty, nasty, disgusting, and overwhemingly immoral. Embarrassing doesn’t even do it justice.

So I wrote all that to let you know that if you are confused about your H’s behavior, it’s normal. They don’t make sense. If you can’t understand why he did what he did, it is because you’re an intelligent and rational person. Waywards are not rational except in their own minds. Don’t be shocked if your H becomes like an arch nemesis for a while. Just do not reciprocate. Waywardness is almost like a mental disorder. It has symptoms and observable common behavior traits. You don’t engage a schizophrenic within their own delusional world. You approach them from a rational point of view based in reality.

Also, it takes a long time to feel alive again. It can be lonely, even with tons of friends and family around. That’s normal. You are going to be OK. Keep journaling. Keep working on GAL and 180’s. Check with churches in your area for free group divorce counseling, even if you aren’t religious. You will find out that there are others in the same boat that have the same feelings and they are OLDER than you, they are YOUNGER, they are from other cultures, they are parents, they are single. Divorce hits 30% of America. You need to use all of the tools at your disposal to keep your boat right-side-up so you can navigate these rapids. (Sorry, I saw Bird Box the other day.) You will roller coaster, you will get hit with waves of grief. You will take two steps forward and one back. Everyone here has gone through this.

It will be alright. It really will.

[Ready2Change]

Link

I stopped praying for WW to come back to our lives and am now grateful for being by my side and helping me make the progress I am making as well as asking for him to continue to guide me and have me come out being the following persons:

- A better man
- A better father
- A better brother
- A better friend
- A better employee
- A better boyfriend
- A better husband

For my WW, I just ask that she finds peace and happiness.

Pray for strength. Pray for relief. Pray for an end to this.

[Ready2Change]

Link

Can we change the framework? Instead of pursue = bad, can it be space = good? Your W with her actions has requested space. Her actions were not okay, but I think we can agree the message is clear. Can you think of this as giving your W something she has asked for? Giving her space?

But she's also changing now, and going through her own process. So let her learn about herself. It's hard to be introspective when you're in a R. Think about all the growing we are doing here that we DIDN'T do (that we should have done) when in R. It took the space from the R for us to turn inward.

What if you considered this to be some very strange 3-year "break". And in those 3 years, yes, you may go through the logistics of D. And you should mourn, absolutely. And pick yourself up and keep going, as you have been doing.

But what if in 2022 you happened to run into W. You had spent the last 3 years dating some awesome people, doing some awesome things. Maybe you're in a R, maybe not. But the *chance* of reconnecting is there. Not even necessarily for a new M, but maybe as friends. Maybe you'll get some serendipitous closure. Maybe you just learn about what's new in her life, and share what's new in yours.

The chance for reconnection WAY down the road is hopeful to me. I'm not banking on it. But I DO know my W, and I do know that if we each truly addressed our issues we would potentially be a very good fit once again. So in your own knowledge of your W, just remember that it happened once. It could happen again.

We don't know. The future is unreadable, and in that - I find hope.

[Ready2Change]

Link

The minute your spouse decides to have an A, it means you can't be a part of their life anymore (with the exception of children and business.)

You do NOT allow cake eating. You are better than that. Don't allow yourself to be used and abused that way. If your WS has decided they want to be with OP, then that is THEIR NEW PERSON.

XW asked me for help a few times during our D that was neither business nor kids. One time she came home and thought the house may have been burglarized because the back door was wide open. She wanted me to come and check the house for intruders. I told her to ask her new man for help with that, because that's his job now. Yeah, she lost her sht over the phone and screamed at me about it. Whatever! I hung up. She could have asked OM or even called the cops. Leave me alone.

On several occasions I had to tell her that we are not friends. I am either your husband or I am not, but I am NEVER going to be in your friend zone, EVER. EV. ER.

Also, doing sht for them is not "fighting" for them because they will continue the A no matter what you do for them!!!! They want their cake and they want to eat it too! Every time!

[Ready2Change]

Link

As I read this, it makes me wonder if YOU were ready for such a quick turnaround.

Whether or not you really wanted this..

Were ready if it did happen.

You have had 2 start and stops in the past few years that have turned around quickly.

And I wonder if either of you really put the "work" in, to understand what being in a relationship really, deeply means.

To some extent, I saw you start it, however...

Just when your "good stuff" was beginning to happen, here she is again, wanting a relationship that she really has no idea how to facilitate.

You were shell shocked both times and were just beginning to find out who you were without all of the clutter (at least this time) when she started pursuing you.

So here you were, willing to accept what she was asking because it seemed right in the moment. It didn't cause you to change much except your 180's and little things that didn't "rock your world" relationship wise.

You were willing to sell yourself, just be able to say that you were still married...

When a person goes through a situation like this, they grow in areas that are light years ahead of the WAS when they return.

With you ??

I almost feel that is was work interrupted...maybe twice, if you went through this process the first time...



If I were to ask you what "love" meant to you, what would your answer be ???

If I were to ask you what you the difference is between "love" and "obligation" was, what would you say ???

If I were to ask you what reconciliation looked like, what would your answer be ???

If I were to ask you how will you know when you get there ??

How do you stay there ??

If I were to ask you, what defines Steve as a man , what would you say ??



And I know the standard internet versions of the answers. I want your answer, what you want, need, seek that is relevant to your thoughts , goals, morals....

What you want to teach your daughter....

Cause if you don't know the answers to the hard questions, you will never get through the "find out why" phase....

[Ready2Change]

Link

I haven't set the MBR boundary yet...although she hasn't slept in our bed for the past few night anyway. I plan to set that boundary and move her stuff out of MBR tonight or tomorrow, depending on work schedule.

My plan is to be as brief as possible when telling her. Something as such... "when this all started a few months ago, you asked for time and space. I have given you that. Since then, you have made no meaningful effort to end your A...and shown no indication that you are interested in working on our marriage...even though I have made it clear that I am willing to do so. So, now it's me that needs time and space. I can no longer share a bed with you since you continue to see/contact OM. I will move your things out of the room and bathroom and I ask you to respect my space going forward." Thoughts on this plan/statement?? Too much talking? Other advice?

"W we both know why I removed your stuff from the MB."

Direct and to the point. Words don't mean $hit right now. Only actions do.

You say this only after she asks. Do it confidently, matter of fact, holding eye contact, wait for her to break eye contact first. Then shut up and listen. Let her vent whatever....

At some point this "Sorry you feel that way" or something similar may be appropriate.

[Ready2Change]

Link

You cannot attract quality people in your life when you are in the state you are in. Broken attracts broken....You guys are REALLY broken... And you do not even realize it.

[burned]

link to original post

Most WAS's consider themselves divorced at BD and free to do whatever they want when it comes to pursuing others. I think it's probably upsetting you because you were still clinging to the notion that maybe somewhere down deep she still loves you and wants to be with you and that this is all just a bad dream that'll wash away with the morning light. But the reality is she is 100% done and pursuing her fantasy "perfect" life without you. It hurts but now you know and can live your life accordingly. Again I'll just remind you that this is how she feels right now, at this one particular moment in time. That doesn't mean she won't have a change of heart later, chances are she will. But it's going to be way down the road.

[Ready2Change]

Link

About 6 months after the D was final I started getting the plan b temp checks. She was trying to see if I was an option. These coincided with times in which she was realizing that OM was a mistake. One time it was when she decided to cheat on OM to try and force him out of her life. Can you imagine what hell it would have caused me if I had fallen for that????!!? I also ignored all of these plan b checks (the toaster oven story was a plan b temp check).

I never responded until she sent me an apology, 100% unsolicited, with no guarantee that I would accept the apology. Seriously, I ignored her for nearly an entire year. An "I'm sorry." by itself was not going to cut it.

So are temp checks good? They're not good or bad. You just have to know what they are and what the intent behind them is, as well as how you should respond (or not).