I'll not support thy progeny whilst you are in the throngs of another man! Eschew females, acquire currency! OK hopefull that made you laugh...
R2C and Burned are doing awesome in here.
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Then threw in “we’ll me relative doesn’t have her kids on Christmas Day...so I might go see her.”
Translation: "I'm going out ho'ing" or to see OM.
You should say "Have fun" or "Enjoy your day". Water off a duck's back.
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I told her which night my daughter was coming to dinner, when I had to go to office and a meet up I’m having with a friend.
Say less. "I'm going out".
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She quickly asked a rapid series of questions about party... who? When? Where? Etc. I answered and walked away.
Say less. Are you getting the whole story from her? But she gets it from you?
I'm reading AnotherStander's post and here are my thoughts: Go read my threads if you'd like to see how "taking it easy" on the WW works out. You have to be honest, and it's hard. If she doesn't want to "do the work" her saying she wants to be in MR is empty BS anyways and you'll be stuck on the roller coaster. This is where you set the boundaries, and it's where I really didn't enforce them.
1. Transparency: you can't trust her, she needs to rebuild trust. If she can't do everything in her power to do this, then you don't have anything. I didn't force the issue here and we didn't didn't rebuild much. 2. Counseling: Don't let her off the hook. If she doesn't want to go and work on your healing and MR healing, then this stuff won't work. 3. No Contact with OM: Kinda goes with the transparency thing. Though she may go back to him anyways, and since the OM is usually a bum he'll take her back - or he never wanted all that much from her anyways. 4. Treatment: My W treated me like garbage, was mad at my family, mad at me. If she is doing this, she isn't all in with you.
You keep these type of things in mind, if she isn't fitting the bill on any one of them, she is not into fixing this with you. So you just pull back and stay detached, stay calm, and don't play like you are in a MR if she isn't hitting these points (or whatever points you have).
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Another decent 24 hours of DB’ing and successful 180s. Spent most of the day yesterday GAL. Out of house...shopping, errands, work, etc. Then quiet night at home with w and kid last night. Kept to the plan of saying less, doing less, being less engaged. We did watch a couple of movies and laughed and enjoyed. I just tried to be the best version of me all night...while not being completely engaged with her. Example: normally I would make dinner for us...tonight I made myself a single dinner and didnt ask or make anything else. Only thing that really happened was when she was on phone during movie...she said “just so you know, I’m texting my girlfriend about a Xmas gift”. Translation: “I’m texting OM”. Anyway...I actually shushed her “shhhhhh” giving movie my undivided attention. All the while thinking “if you need to text that f’ing loser who’s responding from his moms basement...go for it. By next Christmas I’ll be here in my great house watching movie next to someone who would never stoop to the level you have!” I catch myself thinking how sad that my mind has gone that direction...but then I realize that it’s good that I’m beginning to believe that my story continues to be good with or without her.
That’s all for now....I’ll be watching football all day. I’ve got some serious cash on the line today - wish me luck! Then my daughter and friend coming for dinner tonight. Lots of good stuff to keep me busy and gal today!
You are pretty early in the process so I just want to comment on your post above.
DBing is not about being mean, cold, vindictive it's about being indifferent.
You didn't make dinner for her but yet you watched a couple movies with her. That seems counterproductive to me. Now if you didn't make her dinner because you were grabbing a bite to eat because you were headed out early to GAL that would be different.
Now if one of her complaints is that you are rude, shushing her during the movie is just more of the same behavior.
If you know for a fact she is still talking to OM I would not be watching movies with her I would be out with friends or family or dong something OM my own when she is home.
I'll add to R2C's post by saying that when you are angry, you are allowing another person's action to upset you. Given her history, she is going to keep upsetting you. She likes that you're upset because she knows you still care. When a woman, or man really, wants to be wanted and you are just totally indifferent to them they hate that.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Just to be clear...there was no anger or rudeness. I was being or at least appearing happy and content. Just wasn’t as engaged with her as I had in the past. I made myself dinner...I watched movies...she joined me and I was indifferent to it. I know I’m very early in this process...but I am feeling a shift in myself. Small but noticeable shift away.
Holiday has been quiet. I feel I’ve done a good job of focusing on myself and making the best out of each day. Last night was her family Xmas. I participated as I normally would...just focused on having fun and appearing happy and confident. It was a fun night. Of course if you read this thread you know that today she is going to see family without me. I’ve done a great job (I think) of giving her the “have fun” response each time she asks if it’s ok. I have a Christmas party to attend later too. I paused numerous times over the past days to come back here and read the rules again and again. It has certainly helped me work on me...my confidence is way up with myself, self esteem is growing and I feel more in charge of myself than I have in a while. I’m really starting to see how the 180s are not to win her back...but to self improve.
Now, with her “elsewhere” today it is hard for me to not feel a lot of emotions. I’m assuming she will be seeing OM at some point. And it just angers me to sit back and say nothing. I so badly want to call her....or better yet...show up and tell her it’s over and have a nice life with that moron! These emotions as this day got closer has me not liking her much. I feel a little more annoyed by her presence every day. When my first marriage was ending...I would hate the sound of the garage door opening...it raised my blood pressure because I knew she was home. I now find myself happy to be home without her (even on Xmas!) today. I’m starting to just think that maybe I don’t want her back. I’ll be honest, that thought makes me sad. But as I’ve worked thru this holiday all I keep thinking is how her selfish, poor choices have ruined so much! I just want to lock the door and tell her to stay away. Just doesn’t feel like healthy emotions but I can’t stop it. She simply doesn’t deserve me. And I certainly don’t deserve to be sh** upon by her behavior. It just hurts me to feel this way toward her...I just never thought this would happen to us. Ok...pity party over!
Quick question: my w just sent me a text asking about being intimate tonight. I have no idea how to respond. I’m not interested in being with her right now...as I’m assuming she is with the OM today. Gross! I just can’t decide how to respond. I want to say “considering who you are most likely with right now...no”. Or...”until you’re ready to really start being honest with me...no”. Help. I’m at a loss on this one.
Think Admiral Akbar in Star Wars: “It’s a trap!” Brush up on your WW control tactics.
No need to put the guilt on her. You’re not angry, cold, vindictive. You just don’t care if she does or doesn’t want to get with you. If you don’t want to, keep it simple: “No thanks.” Walk away and leave it to her if she wants to wonder why. You’re out being yourself. You’re not sloppy seconds.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
