Amoafwl, look at my update from last night. If I have a R discussion with her now I'll essentially be BDing her. Do you think that's what I should do?
I think there is a big difference between laying out what you need in a relationship and telling her that she cant fulfill those needs for you.
Like I said....what EVERYONE here comes and says is that they wished their spouse had just sat them down and told them the troubles that they were having. To me, expressing the things you have learned about relationships and about yourself is one way to try to get what you want.
Saying that she cant give those things to you seems unfair. You talk about divorced life as this fantasy and it just blows my mind. It feels very shortsighted which feels the opposite of everything you have been helping all of us to combat for the last many months. I understand that you are struggling now...I disagree that white knuckling your way through it is the right way to go.
The reason we try to avoid R conversations is that it adds pressure and scares away our WS's. If you are in a more stable R, then I think it is perfectly reasonable to express your concerns and doubts and frustrations and HOPES.
Keep it about you and what you need. Dont focus on her shortcomings.
Thanks to this board I fought the urge today to confront my W and have a R talk.
You are afraid of her or your relationship with her?
Do you really know where your stand? Do you already know the answer to what you might say?
Is she having an affair again - along this line of thinking, she very quickly recommitted to your marriage last year, did she do any REAL work (in her head) to figure our what happened and why she needed to do these things.
It takes two people totally committed to a marriage / relationship to make it work. You can only give 100% of your half, she must do the same. Sounds to me like you feel that you are giving more than 100% and she is giving less, that is a recipe for disaster.
One of the best quotes I ever read on this board this board is the only difference between the WAW and LBS is timing. Meaning in essence both spouses were essentially unhappy. The WAW drops the bomb and the LBS feels rejected, "rejection breeds obsession" and the LBS is magically in love again. It is more about the destabilization of your life as you knew it being flipped upside down.
IMO true reconciliations that will last happen when both parties go on their separate paths on their own journeys and their paths somehow cross again way down the road. That's the reason I always say time and space to truly figure out what you want is the only way that these situations work out long-term.
Time and space. With a little patience.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Before my WAW/WW left I noticed that she'd sleep on the edge of the bed, not do much to help improve the home, was negative about things I did, didn't make an effort to make time for us, undermined and criticised me in front of the kids, shouted me down when I asked questions if there was anything wrong. We'd still have great sex but I realised it wasn't making love. The clues were there but I hadn't realised at the time. I had also said to her that I couldn't remember when she last gave me a long kiss. She said we were soul mates (but I now know she and her parents had lied to me for years about money inherited etc.).
Cadet good questions. I'm not sure I'm thinking straight enough to answer all of them. She appears to be 100% committed. We worked through a lot of things in MC last year. I really don't think this is about her. It is about me. Did I take the time to objectively step back from my sitch and ask myself what I wanted? Once I was over the LBS fog of forgetting how unhappy I was prior to BD. I went into survival mode instead of what's best mode.
I'm afraid of myself. And going to the point of no return. I'm feeling like I want out but I don't trust those feelings yet.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Everyone please understand. I'm trying to make sure that the road I want to go down is really the road I'm willing to go down. The road to D is long, hard, arduous. I'm not at all delusional about D. I'm not blinded by fantasy that deciding to D is all unicorns and rainbows.
I guess I'm looking back realizing I made a big mistake in just rashly deciding I was going to hold on for dear life.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
