Maybe don't do it in the car in case one of you needs to escape...
Good point. So I am conflicted? Tell her something? Tell her everything tell her nothing?
Originally Posted by Jim1234
Steve, as others have said, give yourself some time. You don't need to make a decision RIGHT NOW. I would be amazed if your thoughts weren't all over the place. Please don't make a hasty decision you'll regret later.
I have to admit, I don't really understand, though. Two months ago, you were "things are really good between us; we're working on R, and she's really sincere in her efforts." One months ago you were "things are still really good, but she won't kiss me, and that bothers me." And now you're "I don't know if I want to be with her." Is it just that you got what you thought you wanted, but now realize it's not what you actually wanted after all?
Jim this has nothing to do with the turn down for sex. Or the lack of passionate kissing. The turn down wasn't a "go away you're bothering me kid". It was "my shoulders are bothering me, can we do it another time". She has been having shoulder pain so I completely understood. The passionate kissing hasn't been there since before BD, so while it has had me question how attracted she was to me during R and piecing it isn't like it came to a head. No, this is about me and what I am feeling and want. For some reason over the last month it has started to swing back the other way. I thought a lot about D before BD, I was just so unhappy. I panicked when I found the FB Messenger messages last year, and initiated BD where she definitely dropped a bomb on me. I went into survival mode....and let the LBS fog forget how unhappy I had been. Has MR 2.0 been better? Absolutely. But now I am wondering if it has been good enough.
Originally Posted by sandi2
What flipped the switch, Steve? In your posts it seem to have started with our discussion on the lack of passionate kissing. Then you wrote that she turned you down for sex. Next thing I know, you are questioning if you want to remain in a relationship with her.
I would think you might be experiencing emotional detachment for the first time. Considering how co-dependent you were, it must feel strange to suddenly wonder if you even want her anymore. Sometimes the LBH realizes his self worth and he is fed up and isn't going to continue making everything about her. The biggest thing that makes me question that it's detachment is your urgency to confront her.
I want to encourage you to say nothing before Christmas. Just try to go with the flow of the holidays. Whatever it is that you want to say to her will keep till later. In the meantime, pray and ask for spiritual guidance. It's real tough to get ourselves at of the way and just let God handle things.
((hugs))
sandi God bless you and all the help you provide. I don't know why but I have tears in my eyes responding you! I guess I feel I have failed you. I don't know what flipped the switch. I went from being all in to a few weeks ago starting to wonder if this is really what I wanted. I think you are right that the last year has been all about her. What she wants. What she needs. And now that I have the clarity of being removed from the situation I am looking back and realizing that I didn't put much emphasis on what I wanted and needed.
I hate feeling this way. Thank you sandi.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Didn't she BD you around Christmas? Maybe its the turmoil, and residual feelings from being BD, plus all the work you are putting into reconciliation are just boiling over. Sit on it, look inward, seek IC, then if appropriate MC. You sound like you are expressing some GIGS, but we know that the grass is not greener. Water your grass. From the outside this appears to have more to do with you than her. You have time so take time.
Lastly, spend some significant time praying to God for guidance.
Yes, thank you. I have been praying and will continue to do and more of it with your encouragement! Thanks TF.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
If I was in your position, here is what I would do:
1. Don't have any R talks and let the holidays pass. See where your feelings are settling at that point. 2. Take a lot of space and time, as much as possible right now. Maybe some GAL, but more introspection about why you are feeling this way and what would a happy M look like for you? 3. Communicate with her that you need to take some space and time. She already knows something is not right. Don't create anxiety for her and for you either. If she knows you're in a funk and need space, then you can relax around her and she can as well. I wouldn't go into any detail, but at least communicate something so she's not on pins and needles.
I agree.
W:"H, is everything OK?" H:"No. I am working through some personal issues." W:"H, what is it?" H:"W, I am not sure. When I figure it out, I will let you know. I just want to enjoy time with you and the holidays."
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
No, this is about me and what I am feeling and want. For some reason over the last month it has started to swing back the other way. I thought a lot about D before BD, I was just so unhappy. I panicked when I found the FB Messenger messages last year, and initiated BD where she definitely dropped a bomb on me. I went into survival mode....and let the LBS fog forget how unhappy I had been. Has MR 2.0 been better? Absolutely. But now I am wondering if it has been good enough.
Steve, I certainly don't have any personal experience with piecing but I do identify with your sentiments. I went from wanting nothing more in the world than to save my M, I mean NOTHING else seemed to matter, to realizing I would survive even if the M didn't, to realizing I wasn't just going to survive but was going to thrive. When you get to that point you realize the while world is there for the taking. It's kind of liberating. Then suddenly you find yourself reconciling, well I can see how that would be a big struggle because it's almost like you lose that freedom you were just starting to embrace. Maybe it would help to explore it some more, you mentioned that things weren't so great before BD and you're starting to remember that (something else I can very much identify with), what was it about the M that you had issues with before? Are you seeing those things again?
AS, thanks. I've learned a lot about this phenomenon from your writings. Thanks for that. I think my biggest issues withMR 1.0 were:
1) SSM. Some of this was definitely my fault. While my sex drive is definitely higher than hers, I'd estimate that in the first 18 years of marriage we averaged about 3-4 times a year. Obviously there were times we did have it more, but there were some very long stretches without any. Including a 3 year stretch. Why I say it was some my fault was because I handled the other issues below so boorishly and poorly. In MR 2.0 this hasn't been an issue. While we are never going to set any records, we have averaged 2-3 times a week. And it had been good too.... Not the pre BD, very unsatisfying type.
2) Her lack of interest in keeping house. I handled this terribly. NGS PA behavior. Snide comments. I'd angrily do some of the housework that I couldn't tolerate not being done. Like cleaning the bathrooms, be emptying the sink, etc. While I definitely had a point, the way is was going about making it was really bad. In MR2.0 this had been better, and I've also learned that the world won't end if the dishwasher is full of clean dishes and the sink is full of dirty ones. But I've seen it becoming a problem again where it appears she will go entire days not doing much. But my attitude towards it is much different through my 180s.
3) Her lack of wanting to do things. She'd rather sit home than go anywhere. Near the end by bomb day she had really become a home body. Church. Taking D to school and back. That was about it must weeks. MR 2.0 this has been much better. She's more engaged and willing to do more. Willing to accompany me more often. Is it to the level of when we were dating? No. But it is much better.
Those were probably my biggest complaints. She'd have several on MR 1.0 herself. Legitimate ones. But I've been very consistent in my 180s and those are no longer an issue in MR 2.0.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Lack of motivation. Little interest or pleasure in doing things Difficulty concentrating on things or making decisions Trouble falling or staying asleep, or sleeping too much Feeling bad about yourself – that you are a failure or having a lot of guilt Poor appetite, overeating, or considerable weight changes Thoughts that you would be better off dead, or of hurting yourself in some way Moving or speaking slowly, so that other people have noticed, or being so restless that you’ve been moving around a lot Feeling down, depressed, or hopeless
