Steve, my W was depressed for a long time (probably still is), and it contributed greatly to the problems within our marriage. Cadet's right, the pill only helps the symptoms. If she's on antidepressants, they will help, but it is an insidious and terrible disease that most of us can't even begin to understand. It's incredibly hard on the non depressed spouse, trying to provide the needed support without any real idea of what to do. This may be the biggest issue in your marriage and you might not even be aware of it.
Originally Posted by Steve85
See has in the past. Not recently. Though she is on two antidepressants so that's probably why she isn't.
This one statement makes think me Cadet is exactly right. By the way, they will deny they are depressed, because they aren't suicidal any more, but that doesn't mean they aren't still depressed. They think that just because they are no longer at "10" on the depression scale, but are only at "4", that means they aren't depressed, where "0" is where a normal healthy person would be..
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Your probably right. But again my feelings wanting out are more about me than they are her.
Exactly. This is why I want you to wait and not take action or make changes with your W. Address YOUR thoughts and feelings right now and really take your time with this. You describe this as a switch that flipped. That is of concern to me, as it speaks to your frailty. These things are powerful. They can also last for a long time. Hang on, Steve. Keep being honest with yourself and us. You will get through this and then later, when you feel more clear and consistent in your thinking and goals, then you can address where you really want your M to go.
Blu
Last edited by BluWave; 12/22/1805:43 PM.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
My W has been on and off with depression for our whole M. In the first 5 years she was trying different antidepressants, but eventually stopped taking them because she said they didn't work or didn't cure her. I know her depression plays a part in her current WW. Its not THE cause but one of the many causes. I think she is still likely suffering from depression at some level due to her actions pre- and post-BD. Just like Jim says just cause she is not a 10 doesn't mean she isn't sitting at a 0 where a healthy person is. Also like Jim said its really hard on the non-depressed spouse to show support without knowing what to do. Even worse is when the depressed spouse refuses acknowledge it as a problem, refuses to try and get help, and rejects all support from the other spouse.
Look up Anhedonia a symptom/component of depression. I saw somewhere online that a psychiatrists said that Anhedonia with depressed spouses are the likely cause for them to seek a new life, A, wayward lifestyle, etc. Its the intensity of it that makes them feel alive again. Just food for thought.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Your probably right. But again my feelings wanting out are more about me than they are her.
Exactly. This is why I want you to wait and not take action or make changes with your W. Address YOUR thoughts and feelings right now and really take your time with this. You describe this as a switch that flipped. That is of concern to me, as it speaks to your frailty. These things are powerful. They can also last for a long time. Hang on, Steve. Keep being honest with yourself and us. You will get through this and then later, when you feel more clear and consistent in your thinking and goals, then you can address where you really want your M to go.
Blu
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Originally Posted by Steve85
Good point. So I am conflicted? Tell her something? Tell her everything tell her nothing?
I vote say nothing for now, try to act happy for the time being. Enjoy the holidays.
So our 3 hour trip just ended. She brought up that I've seemed distant and not myself these last few days. Small things like asking her if she needed anything when I've gotten up. To bee honest I've been busy and we haven't spent much time together. I apologized and just said I've been in my own head a lot processing some stuff but I would talk to her about it once I understood it. She got concerned and apologized for what we went through last year. I saw real, serious remorse.
Rest of trip was good and positive. We will be heading home later but are enjoying our time together.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
