LBS dealing with WW (part 6)

[Vanilla]

Joe

Thank you for the shout out on my thread.

Just a word in your ear if I might? It's about you, this experience has grown and developed YOU. So many shifts for YOU.

This ex may not be a good enough match for YOU. Words and apologies aren't shift. Shift requires a change in values and beliefs. More than words.

I know the heart wants what the heart wants, ultimately you now aren't the you of then.

Just saying

V

[Phoenix9]

Joe

Thank you for the shout out on my thread.

Just a word in your ear if I might? It's about you, this experience has grown and developed YOU. So many shifts for YOU.

This ex may not be a good enough match for YOU. Words and apologies aren't shift. Shift requires a change in values and beliefs. More than words.

I know the heart wants what the heart wants, ultimately you now aren't the you of then.

Just saying

V

Hi V,

I’m happy that you are still checking in. I think about how when I first started posting you foretold the long journey I was going to take. In my time here, I regularly refer to what you said regarding my sitch and how I have been able to address and work on resolving the issues that contributed to this. The amount of support I have is a true blessing and honestly necessary as I continue this.

I just wanted to say “Thank you”. Thank you for being one of the first to welcome me. And thank you for playing a significant role in changing my life.

[Joe2017]

Joe

Thank you for the shout out on my thread.

Just a word in your ear if I might? It's about you, this experience has grown and developed YOU. So many shifts for YOU.

This ex may not be a good enough match for YOU. Words and apologies aren't shift. Shift requires a change in values and beliefs. More than words.

I know the heart wants what the heart wants, ultimately you now aren't the you of then.

Just saying

V

I know V. I am being very cautious.

I am exploring this because I see a glimpse of something in her now that did not exist before BD and D. I think it could possibly be very good.

I am convinced of her remorse. Our timelines of the events surrounding the A and D are finally matched up now that she has stopped rewriting history me admitted to lying. We still have work to do, but so far she has given me everything I've asked for.

I'm being careful and taking it slow.

[neffer]

You need to get into a new R2 with XW. The advantage there is that you´ll be able to use DB tools to improve that R.

Once a DBer always a DBer.

Good for you Joe. My best wishes for all of you.

[Joe2017]

Thanks neffer. Like Vanilla stated, I'm not Joe2017 anymore. I'm Joe2019 now, and what I want in a woman is much different.

I'm going to do some journaling now since I have so much on my mind:

I know I have insecurities regarding my XW. I'm dealing with them as best I can, the two of us have talked about this. I told her that I am coming from a place of betrayal, and she has a lot of work to do to rebuild trust. She understands and she said she will never stop giving me everything I ask for. It's too early to tell if she will continue this, but in all our years of M I can't remember her committed to anything with this much conviction.

DB is a wonderful gift. I am now able to have R talks with XW and pour out my feelings without being vulnerable or weak. I can actually express my emotions from a place of strength. It's an amazing thing.

She tells me every day that she loves me and that she F'd up her life and our family. She is continually repentant and sometimes I am so blunt in response that she ends up crying. She still picks herself up, tells me that she deserved what I said, and asks me what I need from her. She tells me she was a horrible person, she still is a horrible person, and she is trying to be better because it's what I deserve. I tell her good because I'm a very demanding man now.

There is a role reversal here. I have more WAS in me now than LBS. I don't chase after anything. Sometimes I don't even text or call her. I am a bit of a prick, but not abusive or mean. I just know I can take this or leave this. Certainly, leaving this would be much easier. I think she is much more humble. She shows me great respect now, even more than when we first got married. She constantly praises me and tries to gain my approval. Is she in pursuit? Huh, interesting.

However, in all of our intense interactions over the past couple weeks I really do see something different. Something I haven't seen before even in our first relationship. I'm having a hard time putting my finger on it, but the closest word I can use to describe it is subservient.

[ovrrnbw]

Well, subservient won't last. Eventually you two need to forgive each other. You don't want anyone feeling like a whipped dog.

I hope you keep going slow and really see things for what they are.

[Joe2017]

Well, subservient won't last. Eventually you two need to forgive each other. You don't want anyone feeling like a whipped dog.

I hope you keep going slow and really see things for what they are.

I don't want her feeling like a whipped dog. But she should, so I am going to let her. I'm certainly not going to abuse her or the situation. I feel like this is part of her working through her issues. One of my goals is to lessen the hurt in our relationship, so I am not mentioning the A unless there is an actual practical reason to do so. We have talked about that enough, although I will have to talk about it here and there.

No sense in beating a dead horse.

As far as subservience goes, it's new, and it's intriguing me. Submitting to me was something that was severely lacking in our first R. I had a bit of a NGS going on, and she had control issues. In hindsight, we both should have known that it was not going to work out with that dynamic. I'm not a "red pill" kinda guy but I see some value in it.

[Jim1234]

Can you forgive her? You expressed some doubt about that in earlier posts. That's a very important question you have to answer.

I am kind of amazed at the parallels between Steve85 and you. You both did the work, and both Ws changed their minds and decided to work on the marriage, and now, you're both kind of like "Eh. I can take it or leave it." I hope it's as great a place to be as I imagine.

[Joe2017]

Can you forgive her? You expressed some doubt about that in earlier posts. That's a very important question you have to answer.

Oh, I have absolutely forgiven her.

I just don't TRUST her. In fact, one of the rules I gave her is that she must call me Joe. There will be no "I love you sweetie" crap. How many dudes has she called sweetie? No, damn it. I'm Joe2017 and you will address me as me.

I feel like a big problem is that I realized I have to forgive myself. I feel sad that I helped let our MR turn into crap. I blame myself for losing the alpha role. I have guilt about what I inadvertently taught my son about what being a man is. Like I said earlier, I never did really deal with these things. Now, I have to. But this will be OK. I am doing fine with it. Every day gets better. This is not even close to as difficult as surviving the D.

Is it a great place to be? In many ways, it is, but only in the context of me being the best version of myself. Having confidence is an amazing thing but I have to be careful to avoid the same pitfalls as the WS and WAS. I remember everyone telling me that WW will realize that the "grass is not greener" on the other side. The problem with this is that I know that until she really really proves herself to me, then the grass really COULD be greener on the other side (for me).

So, I just have to be patient so I can find out for certain that this new woman is the one who deserves me. Does that make sense?

[burned]

You mean the grass is greener on the other side for YOU? Or that she is still thinking you're not the greenest of the grasses?