Wife in MLC, I think

[AnotherStander]

^^^ Lots of great advice from these folks!!^^^

I also noticed that you stated twice that you have "P-A tendencies." I do not know what that even stands for. Is this what you are referring to, being physically abusive?

He's talking about passive-aggressive behavior, which typically doesn't fall under the umbrella of abuse. It's more like getting mad about something and being super quiet (passive) and then suddenly getting angry over something completely unrelated, yelling about a towel on the floor or such (aggressive).

[LB55]

Thanks all, I am definitely not one to ever physically abuse anyone, especially my family. I have never hit anyone in my life in anger, I don't even know what it would feel like. She is claiming emotional abuse. Those things where I 'intend' to hurt her with my words or my tone. She says that I drink way too much, I am puking in front of the kids, angrily flying off the handle at anything, I never say I am proud of her or the kids, etc. There was a time when I was drinking too much, I gave it up. It was easy, I wasn't an alcoholic, however I was drinking a lot. It was more of my way to relax in the evenings. If she had such a problem with it, why did she always make me a drink when I got home? Or teach the kids how to make me a rum and coke?

The near drowning incident was 5 years ago, we were at the community pool, wife and I were in the shallows with daughter, 3 at the time, and son 5 at the time, was pulled off the bottom by the lifeguard. Neither of us were drinking. She says I was negligent even though she was literally 3 feet away from me. I spent 2 days in the hospital with my boy, it was the worst two days of my life. He recovered and is fine, thank God. She says I continue to engage the kids in risky activities, not sure what, baseball, bike riding, roller skating, fishing, camping? I cannot be trusted with them according to her. It is ordered that I undergo psychiatric evaluation as part of the visitation agreement.

So frustrating to be drug through the mud like this. I sound like a monster in her write up. That I can only provide witness via written statement really hurts me. I am soft spoken, I am patient, I don't anger to the point of reacting easily. I don't react at all most times, I just eat it. I am so scared of the outcome here. Is all it takes is one judge that doesn't like what they read to decide the case before they enter the room, not let you speak, and close the case. Poof your kids are gone and you are a criminal.

This is so hard, living in a hotel, trying to get lawyers on Christmas, spending money like its going out of style, I am frugal guy, and don't spend much on frivolous things. All of this is so frivolous. Plus she says she has no money because see I prevent her from spending any with my words and her lawyer wants me to pay all her fees too. She has earned about $40k from part time jobs in the past 15 years. She hasn't worked much, and is now playing the poor me card and needs to have at least $6k per month to continue her life at the bare minimum necessities. I make about $8k per month and now don't have a place to live when I transfer back up here next month.

I hate this so much, the swath of destruction is getting wider by the day. I don't know that she will ever come out. I just found out today that when my daughter was born, I was gone on assignment, she refused to let my parents come over to the house and see the baby without supervision because she didn't trust my parents. My mom said it hurt them so much, and I knew their relationship was strained since about 2010, but nobody ever spoke of why. Now I know. So tough to take. 15 years down the drain in 3 weeks.

[LB55]

Passive aggressive behavior, I definitely do it. Never knew it until I looked it up and defined it. My best description is this. You want steak for dinner. You are cooking. You ask everyone else what their preferred dinner is, and they insist upon lasagna. You passively accept their choice, but are upset because it isn't what you wanted. So even though you are a really good chef, you make a poor pan of lasagna to punish them for not wanting your choice. This is the aggressive behavior. Thus the passive aggressive cycle. It builds a lot of resentment and is very unhealthy. P-A people tend to be procrastinators, never finish projects that others want them to do, they will say 'in just a minute' when asked to do something, then asked again, and again, until the asker gets mad at them, then they go do a poor job at the task(dishes, laundry, mowing, etc). I wish I had known all,this year's ago, it would have made a world of difference for my whole family.

w's mom is very passive aggressive. W is to a point too. She has tried to fix herself, but I am not sure she knows the definition of it either and certainly doesn't want to know now.

[DC421]

LB... it takes a lot more than one judge to read and close the case. You and your atty will write a formal response to her allegations and throw some at her too. Lawyers will talk, negotiate, re write,talk and try to come up with an agreement before any formal decree or order gets to a judge. Most states require mediation before court these days...as it help smooth the process and will save you both costs in the long run. Don’t be afraid of what your wife put on paper...it’s the first of many, many steps. Divorce is not fun...but it is designed to be a fair process. Unfortunately a very expensive fair process. As someone said to me when my divorce started.... “the heartache will subside, the financial devastation will last a lifetime”. Now, there was a thread of humor in that statement...so don’t take it literally. I recovered from a very ugly, painful divorce and custody battle. You will too! Try to take the emotions out of it and approach as a business transaction. The choice you make in divorce agreements are very hard to undo in the future. Don’t give in....fight for what you want. It may cost you more short term...but making changes is even more costly down the road.

I feel your pain brother! Hang in there and learn about the process to help calm your mind.

[BluWave]

Thank you for clarifying, AS. LB55, I'm sorry I misunderstood and hopefully didn't offend you! It's shocking and terrible that she would completely fabricate all those accusations and really speaks to her mindset. She is really far gone right now!

I appreciate your explanation of passive aggressive behavior and it makes sense to me, as my H is a reforming MNG too. I can definitely see where he used to do the same things you describe. But I definitely believe that these traits can be changed. He has seen his ways and made several improvements in the last 3.5 years. I'm sure you can too! The No More MNG book helped him a lot. He still has his gentle and openness that I love, but he is getting better with saying no and standing his ground with his position.

Right now is just crazy for you and I'm sure you are anxious about your future. I just want to assure you that it won't always be this way and in a couple years things may look much better. Divorces can be messy and ugly, but it is highly unlikely any court system takes this sort of list as factual. My experience with the court system with my first D20 and an ex BF (her dad) was that no one was interested in any "he said, she said," and we were forced to agree on things in mediation. Unless she has a police report, restraining order, or proof of her claims, it's hard to imagine them holding much weight. Even then, family courts want both parties involved. If you want custody and show them the man you are, this should all work out in the end!

And please be careful when engaging in this sort of legal battle. Family/Divorce Attys make a hefty profit when there is a drawn out and contentious D! Both Attys profit more and more if the battle is long and complicated. Her L knows this and could also be taking advantage of her state of mind. Ultimately that only negatively affects you, your WW and both of your finances! And the end result might actually be the same. Minus $20-50K!

Blu

[SteveLW]

^^^ Lots of great advice from these folks!!^^^

I also noticed that you stated twice that you have "P-A tendencies." I do not know what that even stands for. Is this what you are referring to, being physically abusive?

He's talking about passive-aggressive behavior, which typically doesn't fall under the umbrella of abuse. It's more like getting mad about something and being super quiet (passive) and then suddenly getting angry over something completely unrelated, yelling about a towel on the floor or such (aggressive).

It's also doing things like giving the silent treatment. Or jokingly criticizing. Or sarcasm.

Those were my passive aggressive behaviors of choice.

[LB55]

Man this is just the worst time of year for all this. I am not permitted to contact my W or my kids right now or risk being put in jail. I am staying with my sister for the holidays, which I am thankful for, because I had to stay in a hotel the first couple days of being 'home' and that adds up in a hurry.

It is just so hard, I miss my kids and my life so much. She has taken everything from me, and I can't do anything right now. I just break down at the littlest thing, and I have to go hide for a while to get away. It is embarrassing but I cannot keep my emotions in check right now.

I had to leave the room yesterday, W had my kids call my sister on FaceTime to talk with her, my brother in law, their kids, my parents, and I couldn't deal with having to hide and just listen. She is so cruel and hurtful to me, and acts like everything is so great at their place, all her new friends are over, all 1 of them(divorced mom who is driving this whole thing), and her parents, who only have her side of the story and would like to see me thrown in jail. I get to see my kids for 2 hours on Thursday with her parents providing oversight to make sure I don't abuse them or say anything bad about my W. Never thought I would be here, at this point in my life, just fighting for the opportunity to take my kids out for lunch.

I found out on Friday that my S11 never got his birthday gift from me, even though it was delivered. She took it and didn't give it to him to try and make him angry with me for forgetting him. So sad, she is leaving such a wake of destruction and she is barely getting started. I am trying to keep my mind off of it, but it is just so hard, especially at this time of year.

[DejaVu6]

Wow. Your W is a piece of work. Just make sure you document everything. So sorry this is happening to you. People’s character really comes through in times like this. Your W apparently has no character since she clearly puts her own needs above the needs of her kids. Shame on her for keeping them from you. The Karma bus is coming for her, not doubt. In the meantime, try to put it aside (I know...almost impossible to do) and focus on enjoying the time you have with the rest of your family. Give your kids lots of love and hugs when you see them. (((LB)))

[LB55]

Well I saw the L today, we are a good fit and I am happy to work with her. She appreciates my honesty, it makes her job easier. We are going to formulate our rebuttal to her nonsense and work on our desires for the outcome. I don't hate my W, even with all this crap going on. I am trying to remember that she isn't herself and she doesn't know what she is doing.

My goals for this are to get a reasonable custody agreement (50/50 is what I want), get her some mental help, make sure she isn't destitute but not provide so much support she can just keep on with her lifestyle, she needs to have financial responsibility in this and I will make sure the court knows my stance on that, and my last goal is to not drag my wife through the mud. I will take the high road everytime, and my L will too. We are going to come back strong, make sure she knows we aren't playing around, and the see her reaction to it. I am passive and I think she is expecting me to fold. Not going to happen.

I have to say my sister is awesome! She came with me to the L today and is my go to person to talk with and be there for me. I have always had a good R with her, and this is really making us closer. It is very nice. Her and my W are close too, but she will not speak to my W right now, just as well. She can see the pain I go through everyday, and it is so nice to have her in my corner. Just needed to say that. Yes I told her that too.

Thanks to all here for your perspective and advice, I have learned so much and will keep learning from you all. I will continue to updat as we go along, and hopefully I can provide some good stuff for others here too for dealing with this.

[Ready2Change]

Well I saw the L today, we are a good fit and I am happy to work with her. ...My goals for this are to get a reasonable custody agreement (50/50 is what I want),

Glad to hear.


Words from my L --> "It is your's to loose" Which means stay squeaky clean. Do not do anything that will help her claims. IE stay sober. If you feel like you need a drink, let me know and I will drink a beer for you. Do not do anything that will get a restraining order.

We had a guy that did not listen to our advise, drove past his house, saw OM car, followed OM and confronted him in a parking lot. Needless to say restraining order was issued....