First post here. What direction now??

[DC421]

Thanks guys! I simply didn’t respond. I’m really struggling with not calling her out on her behaviors and choices. She’ll come home acting like all is ok. I just want to say “how stupid do you think I am”? Just feel like I’m gonna snap. Ugh.

[burned]

DC - that feeling is why people here talk about patience, discipline, “marathon not sprint,” “hardest thing you’ve ever done,” etc.

You’re here because, at least initially, you love this woman and want to preserve the relationship you currently have with her, or create a new one under the best possible circumstances.

If that’s still your goal, never act on emotion. If there comes a time to discuss with her how her behaviors made you feel, it can be done. By that point, time will have diluted some of the feelings, and ideally you’ll have professional guidance.

You are not there yet. If you feel like you’re making such dramatic progress after only a week (and admittedly you’re older and have already been through a previous D, so that may count in your favor), ask yourself: why are there dozens of us hanging around here, 6-24 months after BD, who haven’t made that kind of progress yet?

My hunch is that your emotions are misleading you. I’m not saying this to put you down or discourage you. Some people do very well very quickly, and you may be one of them. But try to maintain a healthy dose of skepticism. Think about your expectations of yourself. Consider the opposite of anything you think is “certain” and ask yourself if the opposite is equally (or even more) plausible.

That way, when you hit the almost unavoidable setback, tomorrow or a year from now, you’ll already have prepared yourself to some degree.

Other than that...vent here, or write it in your journal, or go out back and shoot some beer bottles. Clear your mind BEFORE you interact with her. Rinse well for best results. Something like that. :P

[DC421]

Burned - All great points.

To be clear on a couple of points. I do want to figure out a way to rebuild our relationship. I'm just finding myself experiencing numerous emotions toward her the farther down the road I get. Anger, disgust, betrayal, dislike...which I have never felt before. But then sometimes I stop and look at her...or make eye contact and I'm drawn toward her again. Like I said previously...negative feelings toward her make me sad. I guess all of this goes to your point of patience and discipline? Are these negative emotions just part of the process? Normal?

I must have sounded a bit cocky in previous posts...because I do NOT feel like I've made much progress in the 2 months since BD. I feel like I'm good at following the rules and using the instuctions/advice that I have found on this board. For that fact, I'm very grateful to have found this site and the generous members who are so helpful. But progress, not really. I"m brand new to this...and learning something every day. But I continue to feel lost and alone as I work thru this every day. I go back and read the rules...and it gives me guidance even though I don't understand it all. As I have posted...when sticking to the rules...it has make a noticeable shift in my attitude...at least temporarily, at times. Again, I'm good at rules...even when I'm not sure of the effect of them. I have confidence that someone has fine tuned these rules after numerous studies and experience.

One moment I feel more in control...then anger or betrayal takes over and I nearly lose control. That when I come here to get swift advice not to react. It has certainly saved me from myself more than once. Thanks for that.

My biggest struggle currently is knowing that she is continuing the A and continuing to not be honest with me. Cake eating as I've seen it called on here. I struggle to not say anything to her as my pride wants me to let it be known that I'm aware of her continued betrayal...and I'm not so ignorant that I'm actually falling for her lies. It's hard to follow the rules when it allows her to think she is fooling me. She's not.

Things I didn't realize before finding this board: Gal is crucial (and more dfficult than is sounds), temp checks (never would have caught this before). and Sandi's descriptions of a WW (putting it in a whole new perspective)...and more.

I continue to read, learn and grow.

[LH19]

To be clear on a couple of points. I do want to figure out a way to rebuild our relationship.

DC,

Just to be clear, this can't happen while your W is in an affair.

You really only have two choices right now. You ignore the A and you GAL like a madman and you show your W what she will be missing and maybe she decides that is a life she wants to continue be apart of right now.

You decide you love and value yourself too much to share your W with another man and you ask her to move out and you offer her to pack her $hit. If she refuses to move out then you serve her with D papers.

Newbies typically don't have the b@lls yet for number 2 so they go with number 1 but it fails 90% because they continue to pursue and have difficulty GALING.

[SoTorn]

To be clear on a couple of points. I do want to figure out a way to rebuild our relationship.

DC,

Just to be clear, this can't happen while your W is in an affair.

You really only have two choices right now. You ignore the A and you GAL like a madman and you show your W what she will be missing and maybe she decides that is a life she wants to continue be apart of right now.

You decide you love and value yourself too much to share your W with another man and you ask her to move out and you offer her to pack her $hit. If she refuses to move out then you serve her with D papers.

Newbies typically don't have the b@lls yet for number 2 so they go with number 1 but it fails 90% because they continue to pursue and have difficulty GALING.

GAL is very hard with IHS. I have struggled in this area. I am no longer pursuing but yes I did pursue several times after I started DB. Right now my biggest hurdle is deciding if I want to move out. When I started feeling like moving out I started questioning if it was the right decision and if it was just emotional. As of now I am still leaning toward moving out because I feel the same about it.

Obviously I still care about my WW, but she hurt me so badly. I am no longer drawn to her when I see her. I look at her and when I do I get the feeling of "God I need to get away from this person I no longer know". I don't think my WW is going to move out. My WW is cake eating like a madwoman.

I know I will be fine on my own. I really just don't want to put the kids through me leaving and I don't feel like I should be the one leaving, but if she doesn't leave what am I going to do? Live IHS for years and years? I don't think so. My WW invited me out twice this last weekend. I declined both, which really seemed to surprise her to the point where she even said "Going out to eat with me isnt going to hurt anything". Um yeah WW, going out to eat with you is going to hurt me emotionally because of how you are acting, so, no thanks.

[sandi2]

Short story: Wife admitted to a 1 year affair a couple of months ago. Said she didn't know what she wanted to do...and asked for time and space.

What brought this admission from her? Were you having a relationship discussion or had you suspected an affair?

Things at home were actually going along fine...even though I know whe continues to see the A partner. Fast forward to now... wife tells me that she has ended the affair for good and wants to work on marriage. She has since gone into complete silence toward me. Asking for time to grieve and for me to leave her alone while she copes with this.

Again, did you confront her about working on the MR?

Did you have anything to say about her wanting to be left alone to grieve over OM?

I understand the emotions she is feeling as I believe she was in a very limerent relationship. What do I do now?

Well, the thing to have done would be to state what you will need from her, in order for you to heal after her affair and all that went with it (deceit, betrayal, lies, infidelity, etc.). The way your post reads, it's as if she (the cheater) was telling you how things were going to be.....instead of you (the betrayed) telling her the requirements needed to reconcile the MR.

Coming off an affair, the cheater will go through withdrawals......if there is zero contact with AP of any type. If she is trying to recover from her waywardness, then she doesn't want to feel your presence smothering her. However, for you to just sit back and let her call the shots......doesn't work in the M's favor. She doesn't get to "go silent" on you. It's unacceptable.

And now, she has suddenly texted you (while she's been gone somewhere) wanting to know if there will be sex tonight (or last night, whichever the case). I'm probably too late with my advice about the sex, but please put this under you cap for later. Whenever the WW "suddenly" wants to change something...….or suddenly acts differently......…….watch out! You have to ask yourself why she gives you the silent treatment for a couple of weeks, and leaves for the weekend to be with someone else.....and out of the blue ask you if there will be any sex. Doesn't this seems a wacky? she as sleeping with OM, you need to tell her you want to see the results of a STD and pregnancy test before you have unprotected sex with her. I mean, be smart! Why did she and AP suddenly break up?

As for your up and down emotions, it's not uncommon. Just don't react or make decisions out of your emotions.

If I understood you correctly, it seems more important to you to know if she is still contacting AP. Is that correct? If you found out that she was still contacting him, what would be your next step? Don't say any words to her that you aren't ready to backup with actions.

I'll add more, once I hear back from you.

[DC421]

Hi Sandi...Thanks for chiming in here. Appreciate it. I've reads LOTS of your posts/threads and have learned a bunch.

I'll try to answer your questions to move this along...

I suspected an affair with a co worker and confronted her. She admitted to it. She immediately quit that job and asked for time and space to decide what she wanted to do. After being a emotional wreck for the 1st 2 weeks...I stopped and realized I can't control her...and I'm a big boy that needs to take care of himself. I started doing some of the 180's without even know what they were. The BD happened 2 months ago.

I've been practicing the rules/180's since....and even more since I discovered this board about a month ago. We did see a marriage counselor 2 times in November...and we are both willing to do more of it. However, I feel that it's a waste of time and money unless she commits to ending the affair.

We have been very civil thru the whole thing...no fighting, no one would no the difference. We even went on a weeks vacation that had already been planned/purchased. We agreed to NO relationship talk while on vacation...and we both admitted we had a great time and it was a reminder of how good things were between us not that long ago.

However, almost immediately after the trip...she was back to her old tricks. Telling me she was out with girls...when I knen she was with OM. Following the trip I told her I can't be with her physically/sexually if she continues to see him...its just such a turn off. I also told her I will no longer stay home with her kids while she continues to disrespect and lie to me about where she is. There have been no overnights away but she still finds ways to see the OM in small doses...just a lot less than it was previously.

After I put those couple of lines in the sand...she said she went to talk to him and told him it was over. This is when she said she needed more time and space to grieve that loss. I validated her feeling on this...and continued to step back. She says she needed to end the A because she felt we would both regret if we don't try everything to fix the m. But I know she has contacted him at least once...and I assume she was with him for the afternoon yesterday. I've quit spying. BTW, there as no sex last night.

My mistake was posting "go silent" in the thread...she just was more withdrawn for a few days. Silent treatment was not part of our lives. We actually have been acting happy and "normal" around each other for the past 2 weeks...and made it thru Christmas with a couple of good family events spent together.

I agree that she shouldn't be calling the shots. This is where I struggle. If I follow the rules...then there is no r talk unless she starts it? There has been no r talk for the past week at least. I have started reading some of the books on NGS...but i do struggle here.

I guess I need to be ready for when she does bring it up? Obviously, my number one "need" would be ending the affair and being transparent to answer any questions going forward...followed by mc. I need to work on my needs as I've been so stuck on just the affair portion of this all...and just following the rules/advice. I guess I need to think about the next step.

I get not speaking up based on emotions, but boy is that hard sometimes.

As I said before, as I work thru all of this and turn my focus to me...she becomes less and less appealing to me. But I remember when our marriage was good not that long ago. I know we will never get that back...but I'm not ready to give up yet.

Thanks again...

[Ready2Change]

Sandi is POINT ON.

My 2 cents:

I just can’t decide how to respond.

You did good by not responding. When in doubt, DO NOT
RESPOND.


I was at a nightclub standing in line for a drink. Small talk with the attractive woman in line. At some point, she asked "Will you buy me a drink?" My immediate response was "After you buy me one." This woman was testing me. Did I pass the test?


Your woman is testing you. Pass the test.


If you need words:
H:"W, it is going take more than a random text from you for me to even conciser being intimate with you."

Please do not send this. It is how you should be thinking.

[DC421]

Wife had a meltdown last night. She came to me and asked "how are we?". Lots of thoughts quickly went thru my mind as I processed how to answer that properly. She said she was feeling better about things and reminded me that she had ended the affair. I calmly validated her feeling better...but I did tell her that I don't believe she has fully ended the affair. She asked why...I said I don't think she really ended it. She may have told him she needed to end it...but it wasn't over IMO. SHe asked why I felt that way. I told her I know she has communicated with him at least once recently...she admitted to that saying it was a single response to his reaching out (yeah? so what?). She was adamant that she didn't see him on Christmas day. She has typically admitted to it after the fact in the past. But I don't believe her and I continued to tell her as much.

I explained to her that I'm being very patient...taking care of myself...and what I need to see from her before we discuss any kind of future. Explaining real transparency regarding the affair...real proof and time before physical in future...and a trained counselor to help us deal with her affair...and REMORSE. I went on to tell that I don't belive that she realizes how much damage her choice has caused...the pain, the destruction, the betrayal.

She was defensive and tried to place some of the blame of her actions on me. I explained that I understand that she felt our marriage wasn't the best...adding that plenty of couples have issues that they can work on....and most don't cheat. I explained that I'm willing to work on marriage and try to save it...but I've seen zero signs from her that she feels the same...and until then I will focus on myself...me getting better no matter how our story ends. She pointed out how much better things have been at home, how great our recent vacation was, how we enjoyed family time over Christmas. I validated...but pointed out that none of that matters as long as she is in A. It was getting late and I ended the convo. It was unresolved...but enough had been said. She went to sleep on couch, I went to bed.

This all started when she said my attitude lately has been poor...saying "your mr. independent act is pushing me away". SHe claims that she's been trying to move closer to me...as she feels herself coming out of the fog of the A...and I'm pushing her away. Even almost threatening that my new found independence would keep her going back to A. I simply said...you're an adult who can make her own decisions...and so am I. We both know we have to live with our choices.

I don't know if I handled any of it correctly, but I was able to voice my needs...something I struggle with at times (NGS!).

[LH19]

I told her I know she has communicated with him at least once recently...she admitted to that saying it was a single response to his reaching out (yeah? so what?). She was adamant that she didn't see him on Christmas day. She has typically admitted to it after the fact in the past. But I don't believe her and I continued to tell her as much.

What do you mean she would typically admit to it in the past? She would say yes I was with OM? What was your response when she would admit to it?

I explained to her that I'm being very patient...taking care of myself...and what I need to see from her before we discuss any kind of future.

Way too much talking. Never say things like I am being patient, I will always be here for you etc.

Explaining real transparency regarding the affair...real proof and time before physical in future...and a trained counselor to help us deal with her affair...and REMORSE.

What was her response to this?????

She was defensive and tried to place some of the blame of her actions on me. I explained that I understand that she felt our marriage wasn't the best...adding that plenty of couples have issues that they can work on....and most don't cheat.

That's actually not true. I have read that over 70% of marriages have had at least one indiscretion.

I explained that I'm willing to work on marriage and try to save it...but I've seen zero signs from her that she feels the same...and until then I will focus on myself...me getting better no matter how our story ends.

It sounds to me at least verbally she is willing to work on the marriage.

She pointed out how much better things have been at home, how great our recent vacation was, how we enjoyed family time over Christmas. I validated...but pointed out that none of that matters as long as she is in A.

Very true!

claims that she's been trying to move closer to me...as she feels herself coming out of the fog of the A...and I'm pushing her away. Even almost threatening that my new found independence would keep her going back to A.

Red flag city. Looks like she is going to blame you for the continued affair.

I simply said...you're an adult who can make her own decisions...and so am I. We both know we have to live with our choices.

Too much talking.

I don't know if I handled any of it correctly, but I was able to voice my needs...something I struggle with at times (NGS!).

Look until you know the affair is over and she gives you full transparency,she sends a no contact letter to OM and you get into counseling these convos are useless and are even doing more damage. Heck shes trying to use it to make an excuse to continue her affair.