My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 5

[ovrrnbw]

I know everyone is busy, I'm just contemplating what I should "do". Go dark, NC, what. Just don't have a clue.

[Phoenix9]

Hey bud,

Go dark. GAL. Make yourself as unavailable as possible. If that goes into the next morning, so be it.

Focus on YOU. If she contacts you, make it ALL business.

Show her you’re not screwing around.

[Did]

Ovr sorry for the pain brother. Let her fail. Let her be irrational or irratic. Be the lighthouse enjoy your picnic. I have Ngs as bad or worse than you. I assume my W is out on a date tonight. Then I have no plans the next few days and have struck out with everyone I’ve reached out to. Where do you live again lol? I don’t get D4 back until christmas night. So I may go to nyc or hit some trails. Writing a lot.

You are not responsible for her behavior. You are not the cause of her behavior. Let her feel rock bottom. Do everything you can for it not to affect you. I wouldn’t let her get away w some of the stuff. The computer cord is yours. Say no as much as possible. I’d go NC with limited contact if she’s in the house she is going to screw things up but set strong boundaries. She can not have you if she’s inconsistent. Take the call if needed explain if she gets angry or emotional the convo is over. My W is manipulative but I used to get the anger. I didn’t deal with it well. It always brought me way low. So I’m sorry for you.

Give yourself the love and focus on you. I am basically thinking I’m getting D in a month. Don’t see my w changing. Do everything you know how with DB for you. Take the focus off her and let her go. Don’t give her anything. You asked on my sitch if I had gotten her a christmas present. Yes I had but I’m not giving it to her. Good book called silence about introverts. Anyway cheers homey. Head up. Sending positive thoughts.

[BluWave]

I know everyone is busy, I'm just contemplating what I should "do". Go dark, NC, what. Just don't have a clue.

Do you not have a clue, not at all? Or are you just not ready to fully drop the rope? These are two different things. So which is it? It's okay if you are not ready. When you ARE ready, let us know.

Blu

[SoTorn]

Yep. It's all our fault. We are the enemy. We made them act like this.

[ovrrnbw]

I'm just upset this week Blu. I am done chasing this woman around. I am tired of being treated like hell. If she can't be the W I need, then she can't do it and we wouldn't have a MR worth having. That is hard to say, and hard to accept. But logically, it's true.

Not seeing her, not talking to her at all, not responding to questions - basically ignoring her...these are actions of "going dark", right?

But NC means I can respond to her questions, as briefly as possible. I was very upset, clearly, that she took off last weekend.

My opinion is that I need to not see or talk to her at all, AKA "go dark", for at least a couple more weeks.

It's obvious, I still want a MR 2 with her. I want her kind, caring self back. But the reality is she may never be that person, at least for me, ever again. So I let go of everything, and see if she comes back, and if she does, then I really lay down - and ENFORCE - the boundary. And don't settle for less.

Does "going dark" and ignoring her no matter what seem to harsh of an approach, or going "NC" should I respond to her questions? That's what I'm looking for here. But as of now I'm going dark for a week or two.

Also, on a very happy note. I've got a new gig lined up next year and my pay is going about 60% on the base and with commission/bonus could easily double what I'm doing now. So pumped to get after it come Mar 1!!!!!

And Did, thanks for checking in man. I'm in suburban, almost rural STL. Not close to the big big city like NYC. I got W as Xmas present too, but I'm not giving it to her either.

Merry Christmas y'all.

[sia]

Ovr, I don’t know what the difference between going dark versus NC is, either one u pick, the point is to give yourself some space from her. I only respond back about kids or about finances, even the simplest thing about kids I respond back because that is important to me. You have no kids so it will be only about important financial topics or an emergency. Her car not starting up is not an emergency but if it ran over the cliff it is, you know what I mean. And what’s the point of few weeks , what are you expecting in few weeks? This should be the status quo until the sitch changes enough to re-evaluate

[FlySolo]

Hi Ovr,

I think the level of contact depends on what financial or logisticals need to be communicated and the nature of the contact depends on what you need to heal. The first (finances/logistics) you can’t avoid if it raises its ugly head. You need to respond because that is what being a grown up means, the second is really up to you. I have kids, so going dark was never an option but I would level my response depending on what I could handle at the time. In the early days it was simply, yes/no or nothing at all. Now I add hello and thank you, the odd ‘hope you’re well’. It is never more friendly than that. He tries to extend the conversation but I think it feels false. If we can’t be friendly I real life, then why pretend on text.

They really don’t know what they want. Until they do, leave them to it. Do what you need to stop their every action from sending you into a spin. Easier said then done. Detach, detach, detach.

[SoTorn]

I believe that NC means more like limited contact. You should not initiate contact. No R talk. If WW talks to you you answer shortly. If WW does something for you, still thank her. You will know you talked too long and too much because you will feel anger, sadness, anxious. So the goal is to limit your contact well under the threshold for where you start to feel a negative emotion from the contact itself.

[burned]

This should be the status quo until the sitch changes enough to re-evaluate.

This. She has to want you and only you. She doesn’t get to have your emotional support and she doesn’t get to push/pull you as it suits her. You are the man who is hard to get at.

Going dark/NC is super hard but...what else will work? Do it for your own mental health.

The only thing I wish I knew was how to tell “when the sitch changes enough to re-evaluate.” My guess would be when she comes back begging YOU to stay. So, you know, 1-2 years...right? Or Sia can you clarify?

the goal is to limit your contact well under the threshold for where you start to feel a negative emotion from the contact itself.

Nicely phrases and that’s definitely the sweet spot in my experience. In my case that threshold was super, super low.