Hi Steve. For some reason my posts aren't going through on here lately. No idea why.
Just wanted to wish you strength in whatever you decide. You've helped me more than anyone, so if there's any advice I can give, I'd be happy to.
You are much further along in the journey than I am. But even in my sitch, I have a lot of conflicting thoughts about what I 'want'. Even if W does a complete 180, I wonder if it'll still be enough. People usually seem to want what they don't have, at least on a small level. We were somewhat unhappy, then got BD'd and went into survival mode where we'd do anything to save our M. Then when things seemingly got back on track, we wonder if we would be better off without them.
Guess my point is, most single guys I know say they'd love to be married. While most married guys I know fantasize about being single again. We (the people on here), have been through the worst emotional rollercoaster imaginable. So I agree with the other posters, please take time to make the correct decision (whatever that may be).
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
R2C, thanks for the video. Guy speaks the truth. Wish he'd cite the research he refers to but should be required viewing for all WASs.
T, thanks man. You stated it perfectly. The thought of being single is so appealing to me. But to cadets point I also remember being single until I was in my late 20s hoping I'd meet someone special. So I think your point is a fair one, as is cadets.
Lots of emotions today on the anniversary of BD. I'll write a longer post later about that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yeah please listen to Steve and stop testing the boundaries of the forum
Opps...I just read the policy for clarification. I saw that posting links to any other web site is a no-no...My mistake. I will make sure I do not cross this boundary.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I just read the policy for clarification. I saw that posting links to any other web site is a no-no...My mistake.
Or maybe the policies, software parameters, etc., here need a badly overdue update to bring us to the real world in 2019. "If you've been doing things the same way for 10 years or more, you're probably now doing them wrong." - Inc.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Steve I wish I knew your Sitch better but I don’t have time to go back and read all your posts. I only remember some parts of your sitch, but I want to give my thought about your last post regarding your suffocating feeling and being in a cage.
One observation I have is that you write very often on this forum. Although people here are great, I sometimes wonder if this can have a negative impact on your ability to move forward. Knowledge is power, but sometimes in relationships we just need to love and give without labeling or judging the other person. Reading systematically stories from newcomers can take a toll on someone and keeps him stuck in a vicious circle. Before BD, I never wrote or said anything megative about my W to anyone. I considered our MR a private affair. I think the fact of continuously journaling what our W does could have a devastating effect in a relationship.
I don’t think D or separation are bad in all cases. What I didn’t like in my Sitch was the surprise effect of BD and the fact my W didn’t want to try. After a long MR, I would have expected at least an open communication to understand and try to fix any problems. In your Sitch I think your W and you have been open about your problems and have been trying for some time. MC seems better suited than IC but I’m sure you know better.
Again sorry for commenting without knowing all the details
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
Darn, I missed the video link! R2C, can you perhaps give 3-4 words I could type into my search engine or YouTube that would then populate said video? I think that's allowed, right? I'm sure Cadet will let us know later after you have already done it :-)
Steve, everyone here cares about you and wants to help you! You have been so generous with your time to others and you deserve the support too. I wish there was something more I could add. Maybe this space you are in is not such a bad place after all. I mean, maybe you don't need to change anything or do things differently. We all have doubts about our M at times, and sadly your W gave you even more doubts about her one year ago. That's the difference when the LBS starts becoming the WAS: we don't need to rewrite history, we have been given the ammunition by them directly! ... that doesn't mean we need to use it tho ...
My only real concern here is the way that you describe your change in feelings -- like a light switch, feeling suffocated, that this is more about you than her. That sounds powerful and intense. I felt these things a year ago and for me it lasted 4 months. I had to do some hard work to snap myself out of it, it didn't happen to me by circumstance or external forces. Fortunately for me, having read here for so many years, I already had tools buried in my box.
I think in that time period I created additional harm, which then led to needing more recovery. I think we are finally in a better place now. But sheesh, it's been 4.5 years since BD! And for him, it had been going on for at least 8 months before that. It's just crazy how long these things can take to sort out!
Give yourself a break and go easy. Your life will unfold as it should. Take care of yourself and try to enjoy life in the meantime without falling hostage to all your changing emotions! You can do it!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
