Letting Go. Detaching. Done Engaging.

[Ginger1]

See Did, you both have the same exactly unhealthy dynamic. You want her when you can't have her, and she wants you when she can't have you and makes sure you are on the hook. She becomes more attractive and you become full of love when she backs off. Your dynamic needs to be worked on, but yours individually.

You are both quite young. It's a confusing time in your life with a 4 year old child. You would take so much benefit from IC learning how to be very individual without your moods being dependant on what she is going to do next or what she is doing currently. How to increase the value in yourself as a father and an individual.

My bomb came when I was 27 with a newborn. EEEKKKK! The gift I take from this, especially with not having another R for a while after that was becoming ME. Learning how to be responsible for my own happiness and emotions. It's a gift I would never trade in.

[Did]

I’ve been in IC basically the whole separation although I like the new ic best. I’ve wanted her pretty consistently I just am ignoring her now. Not giving in to that desire. I also have been full of love the whole time I was giving gifts and volunteering at an animal sanctuary so we could potentially spend time there early on. Pathetic I know.

I also know I have non negotiables like being emotionally unavailable inconsistent selfish manipulative. But I still love her. Also I’ve accepted love is not enough. She has to want to work on herself and our relationship. So if she doesn’t commit to that by February 1 it’s over.

[Ginger1]

I think exploring why you want her so consistently would do you really good. Aside from her being the mother of your child, what is it you want so bad about her right now? What fills your heart with love about who she is right now?

Explore where these feelings are coming from. I think when I finally started asking myself those questions about my ex and realizing I had no good answers because he treated me so poorly, I began to see him for who he really was/is rather than who I wanted him to be, and boy did I become unattracted and almost disgusted.

[Did]

We got into it via text. Think I’m going to file soon. It’s so unhealthy. She rips me for [censored] from a year ago and I try to take accountability. I ask for the same for something that happened recently and she curses at me and says she blocked me.

This empty feeling is just the worst. Yes I made mistakes a lot of them. And I guess engaging via text is another one. I have to drop D4 off later. I don’t know if I should try to smooth things over. Or just go dark again now it doesn’t seem to even matter. I can’t atand affecting each other like this. The rage she has is insane

[SoTorn]

My WW was tossing everything from my past in my face. I know that I am not my past and that I have made significant changes. Don't let it bother you. Be the man you want to be now.

[Loves77]

Hola!

I must say something. I have noticed that when you do your version of backing off from her, typically with in a week you two are quarreling but you never tell to full version of what happened. It's vague. I have noticed that a lot from you.

Did you reach out to her like you have been wanting to and caused a fight? I ask bc you clearly do everything asking for some sort of reaction from her. And when it's a negative reaction or not the one you wanted you get pissed.

Obviously this forum can only read your side of the story. If you are reaching out to her please stop. Just leave her alone. A argument takes two people Did.

[Ginger1]

You are just as inconsistent as she is! You try to take accountability for things she throws in your face from the past, figure you should get her to do the same, get mad when she doesn't, fight, then want to smooth things over?

Did, you mirroring her actions. You keep saying how she needs to be consistent and committed, yet you are all over the place. You just do what she does.

[Did]

I’ve had pain in my calf for three days. Got checked out today. I have two blood clots in my calf. Got on blood thinners. Stress can be a factor. I’m an extremely healthy dude. Never get sick.

Told W no contact tried to explain my thinking. She said there is nothing to work on but yourself. She seems to think she is perfectly fine. And maybe this is all caused by me. I take responsibility and accountability I’ve done a lot of things wrong. She gives reasoning she was sleeping when she was in underwear knowing I was coming to talk 2 hours after we texted. I don’t think she takes accountability or owns the truth. And I can’t have that in my life anymore.

I can’t do the separate or leeeway thing anymore. Focusing on me. This is the second major health issue I’ve had that can be stress related during the separation. For anyone following in a similar position. Let them go ask them not to let the door hit them on the way out. Then work on yourself. Don’t do what I did and focus on them so much.

Working on being a better DID. Thanks all for the support. I’ve made a lot of mistakes but going dark or dim with D4. Will be consistent. Feb 1 is my timetable for divorce

[Ginger1]

You are your own worst enemy.

Do you know what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.


Everyone tells you what not to do and you do the opposite and get upset when it keeps yielding the same results.

This isn't going to stop until YOU decide to make a change. With yourself you have a lot of words and no actions. You expect others words to match their actions, but you can't even do yourself that favor.

The blood clots. If you are a young, active, non-smoker, non steroid user, who hasn't sat in a car or a plane for hours without moving it's not stress causing your blood clots. You may have a blood clotting disorder which can be easily treatable (I'm a nurse). I suggest you take the time to focus on you, care for yourself and get worked up.

But at this point you are causing your own stress. Practice self care which mean following your own words up with some actions, and in your case, your actions are no reactions. Just being still.

As an athlete, yoga would benefit you mentally and physically. Give it a try. Kickboxing got me through my divorce, yoga got my boyfriend through his divorce. And Yoga got me though some ongoing stress and really improved my other workouts.

[Did]

Thanks Ginger. You’re right on insanity. W actually recently said the same thing I’m my own worst enemy. She has sent me a handful of Instagram posts on boundaires self love and self care. I haven’t responded. I do yoga when I Can and will do more. I got blood thinners today. I’m told blood clots can be brought on by stress. As well as dehydration I wasn’t sleeping and was up worrying about W.

I’m truly going NC. That’s what you all have recommended anyway. Doubtful it makes anything better between us but I need to move on. I’m done with leeway and all of it. Just done. When we exchange D4 I’m not sure I even want to go in her place or see her more than I have to. She will probably drop her off to me tomorrow or Monday. I don’t want to be rude and not tell her to come in. Not sure what to do there.

Thanks