D, your thoughts on pursuing ending things are very deep and rational. It sounds like you are in the right place to pursue ending things if that's what you want. A lot of people rush into it for all the wrong reasons (mainly to try to make the hurt go away) but you seem to be looking at it with a clear mind. So if you decide to go through with it then I think you'll be fine with your decision later.
Hey D! I think you've been in a pretty good place for a while. We all go through a yo-yo in this time period but I believe you have landed in a spot where you can move on and you've reflected and acted on your path. Timelines differ for everyone but when you're ready, you're ready. Make your move as you see fit.
D - Looking back I wish I would have filed for D as soon as my now XW moved out of the house. For me the pain was too great, I was in dis-belief, and I wasn't strong enough at the time. IMO no matter how you spin it all LBS's are plan B. Very few can completely 100% walk in the opposite direction and start a brand new life while technically still married. I believe you are experiencing that as you now try to date. Women do have a good radar when it comes to newly divorced men, they can smell it from a mile away. I still get the question from time to time and while my X has been gone for almost 2 years my D has not even been finalized for a month. As the others have said...if your ready your ready and if it is truly about being completely 100% free then do what you think is in your best interests.
I do not enjoy paying my X child support every month however it is not as bad as what I thought it would be once you process the emotional side of things.
It is interesting that it is mainly men responding. That could be coincidence, as the majority of the posters here seem to be men, but I wonder if it reflects a different mindset. Many of the sitches I follow closely on here are of women, and there seems to (in general) be a longer time-frame, or perhaps looking at it from another angle, more patience from left-behind wives.
Honestly, it surprises me. There is so much patience preached here, and letting the WAS take the initiative with the D process is so commonly advocated for that it does make me question whether or not I am simply rushing things. At the same time, I do see a positive future out there for myself and this is a necessary step along that path.
Thanks for noting that I am not doing this to escape from any pain. I lived with that awful, disorientating, vertiginous pain for months and hated every moment of it. For a while it came back somewhat regularly, and then less and less. Now there is just the dull ache of nostalgia for once was, a fleeting feeling that occupies little brain space. I think it is important to go through that process so that you can come out the other side stronger and more solid in your sense of self.
At the end of the session the message that my IC seemed to gently get across is that it might just be easier to take the path of least resistance and not try to push things through now given the fact that my W still seems unready. Given her ambivalence and foot-dragging I do feel the need to be 100% certain in my head and resolute in my intention before I even broach the topic. I do not want to enter into that conversation with even a niggling doubt for her to prey upon.
Joseph, I definitely see the preconceived notion that many women (maybe people?) have about recent divorcees, as an impediment. Of course at our ages most everyone who is dating is divorced or out of some type of long term relationship (if they have never been in one that is an even more scary signal!)
In terms of the radar, I think (hope) that it has more to do with energy/attitude that one projects. Someone who is hurt, or damaged, or less open, or unwilling to be vulnerable will often project that in ways that they don't even realize. I lived with someone who was recently broken-up for a short while and in every interaction it was clear to me that they were operating from a place of negativity and they projected an unhappiness or a neediness. For the first 5 months of my separation I was like that myself. However, now I don't see myself as being in that space, or projecting that energy. My mindset is one of gratitude, positivity, and an openness to new experience and people. My impression is that this attitude shines through clearly to others, both possible romantic partners as well as friends, colleagues and family.
Neffer, Sip! quiero tomar esta decisión con toda la calma del mundo... meditar me a servir mucho...
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I meant to respond when you first posted your update but was interrupted, then time and life just got in the way.
I agree with AS (as I do with most things) your reasons for pushing the D forward comes from a rational and considered place. I get no sense of resentment in your post. I hear a man who has been put through a hell not of his own making, and come through the other side with his reason and his heart still in tact. There is forgiveness in your post but also a desire to 'live your life' fully.
I suspect the general advice here for LBS to not push for S or D is because most of us, when we shout "D" or declare that the rope is dropped are not thinking clearly. We are hurt and emotional and reacting out of anger. Whilst we are in that state, any action is going to do more harm than good. But there is no pain in your post. Just a sense of wonder at the world and an optimism for the future. You are not rushing things. You are moving forward with love.
Good luck with the dating. I suspect were I of the type to be dating, then your resent separation would be a red flag ... but I think I have gotten to know you a little bit ... and any woman would be lucky to have you. What I am saying I guess is I would not start with "I am recently separated ..." not because I think you should be dishonest, but you are so much more than your relationship history
PS - I have found a hot yoga class near work and I am going to try it out this week.
Thanks for contributing your thoughts. I especially appreciate hearing a female point of view.
I don't know that one will ever completely move past the pain. I certainly still have twinges, and random thoughts that pop up every now and again. Though that may be once every couple of days as opposed to the steady stream of painful memories that blanketed every day early on. I lost my brother over 25 years ago and I still have twinges of pain when thoughts of him pop up, but over the years the intensity has dulled and the frequency has dropped enormously. I think that I am in a good spot because my focus is on what lies ahead, not what is behind me. In yoga there is a concept of "drishti" which is both a physical spot that you focus on in order to steady yourself, but also an internal focus. It can help you get further, deeper in a pose, or hold a pose longer even though your body may be screaming out to stop. If we focus on the pain in our life we give it control and can allow it to block out the sun. But the opposite is also true. If we focus on the positives and things we have to be grateful for, it can allow us to move towards them. I am aware that this can sound like new-age hokey and I don't make any claim that it is a panacea. There is still pain and hurt and we have to face it and deal with it. But there is a way to do so which doesn't allow it to define us or control us.
I was really struck by Maika's most recent update and the emotional response it provoked in him. I don't doubt that the same thing could happen to me. It makes me question whether or not there is a part of me that wants to move forward with the D process so that I can grab the reins and be "in control" of that process rather than allowing my W to make that decision. I don't know if that is healthy or not. I want to continue to grow in my comfort with uncertainty and being okay with not having control.
In terms of dating you are absolutely right that it is a red flag that often times is best overcome by letting someone get to know me a bit (generally over email/text/messaging) before coming out with it when we meet in person. It is a delicate balance though because if I leave it for too long it can feel dishonest. When I do raise it, I make it clear that my wife and I separated nine months ago, that we barely communicate and that it is just a matter of time and legalities before we are officially divorced. I always say that I am happy to answer any questions about it, but I tend not to go into any further details unless asked.
This weekend I had my third date with the woman who is separated. She is clearly interested in me, but far less comfortable with moving back into the dating world than I am, despite having been separated longer. At the end of the evening she confessed that she knew she was completely awkward and uncomfortable and apologized for it. I am in no rush, but it is unusual for me to have such chaste dates. When I took her hand in mine as she spoke I realized that it was the first time we had even had such minimal skin to skin contact. Again, going slow is fine, but it makes me wonder if she just isn't ready yet (and makes me understand how skeptical women might be about me!) I am still seeing other people (though I had a date cancel on me today, for the second straight Sunday!) while I wait and see how this progresses.
Good luck with the hot yoga! Some of it (Bikram) is too hot for me. Make sure to bring a towel and water!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Davide, it's interesting to hear about your dating experiences. I have no knowledge of dating norms but you seem to really have a good sense as to your own readiness and an ability to evaluate the readiness of others. I honestly don't think it's a red flag that you're separated and starting to date. You most likely want to meet like-minded women. Women who are separated or recently divorced will be able to differentiate between a guy that wants to get to know them and a guy that's just looking for fun or amusement. It seems wise to take things slow, and I'm sure I'd be taking the same approach if I were to date, because you just went through a difficult experience and you don't want to end up in another difficult or complicated relationship that will result in further unhappiness. It's worth going slow to better ensure that a foundation of trust and respect for the other person's feelings can be built and to decrease the chance that the relationship won't be interrupted by a spouse that interferes towards the end of a divorce or a last minute change-of-heart. I guess you'll just know it when you meet someone who is ready to move at the same pace you are. It should seem natural and effortless. The best is still yet to come if you plan to have kids and can enjoy raising them with a loving wife and partner. I'm sure your future is bright. It's good that you're looking towards it and you're open to finding a new partner. I wish I could be more like you!
I don't get how you guys deal with constant or even regular interactions with the WS!
So, my w came over tonight to walk the dog and I happen to be around because it was raining and my bike ride was canceled. After she came back she asked me some questions and she hadn't received an email that I had sent her earlier today regarding logistics and financial stuff. But then she also asked to if I would be willing to talk with her, as she put it -- about feelings and stuff. I replied that I'd be happy to to listen to her. She commented that I seem to I always avoid or not respond when she asked about those things. That I don't share me feelings. I replied that I thought those conversations were for a relationship and that we weren't in a relationship.
Once again she was in tears the entire exchange. I am very good at being calm and collected and unemotional when dealing with her, but I think it also can come off as cold which is not really my intent. However, I really do try not to engage with her and share feelings or even what's going on in my life. She asked if I was planning on staying in the the town where we live and I replied that I didn't have any idea, because I don't.
It was tough to talk with her and have to deal with her emotionality. Not super painful, but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I wonder if I should just be shutting down those talks that she wants. It makes md think she is looking for some type of absolution. And that is certainly not my role!
Sorry for any typos as I am on the phone.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
This is the second time she's done this in the last 2 months right? Why is she now coming around, I wonder...
She's clearly not ready to pull the plug and "lose you". I don't think you're ready either, but that is just my opinion. It looks like you and her get.....more time. Oh boy.
It seems like you're doing well other than having to deal with her. Maybe next time you can be a little warmer, but I think you've not seen or talked to her much, so it's not like you should feel right at home talking to her either.
Have a good week Davide.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Get away from those temp checks Davide. Itīs hard to do it but you need to protect yourself. You are nowhere near she is. And you are not going to be her plan B...Donīt play her games, they are not healthy and go outside of DB environment.
I know itīs hard man, I know. Be strong there, keep the GAL going as you are doing.
Keep DB my friend! F@ck the spark!
Wishing the best for you D!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
