First post here. What direction now??

[sandi2]

I suspected an affair with a co worker and confronted her. She admitted to it. She immediately quit that job and asked for time and space to decide what she wanted to do.

Before this A, had she ever been guilty of what is seen as inappropriate behavior for a married woman?

Was she getting pressure to quit that job? Is she currently working anywhere else?

After I put those couple of lines in the sand...she said she went to talk to him and told him it was over. This is when she said she needed more time and space to grieve that loss. I validated her feeling on this...and continued to step back. She says she needed to end the A because she felt we would both regret if we don't try everything to fix the m. But I know she has contacted him at least once...and I assume she was with him for the afternoon yesterday. I've quit spying. BTW, there as no sex last night.

I am trying to find out what or who prompted her to end the A. The WW won't simply end her A b/c she has been caught.

The sentence in bold, is nothing more than WW b.s.

Following the trip I told her I can't be with her physically/sexually if she continues to see him...its just such a turn off. I also told her I will no longer stay home with her kids while she continues to disrespect and lie to me about where she is.

This was before she texted to see if there would be any sex, right? You told her there would be no sex if she continued seeing him, and she goes out and sends you a TM to see if there would be any sex that night.

There is something I want you to remember when dealing a WW. Don't expect honorable results from a dishonorable person.

At the core of the wayward W is a heart filled with resentment and disrespect. She does not respect her H as a man, much less as a husband. That is where the problem really started in the MR, and until her resentment and disrespect is addressed and resolved.....she's not going to feel differently about him.

I agree that she shouldn't be calling the shots. This is where I struggle. If I follow the rules...then there is no r talk unless she starts it?

If you will tell me which rule, I'll be happy to explain further.

I guess I need to be ready for when she does bring it up? Obviously, my number one "need" would be ending the affair and being transparent to answer any questions going forward...followed by mc. I need to work on my needs as I've been so stuck on just the affair portion of this all...and just following the rules/advice. I guess I need to think about the next step.

Yes, I suggest you get ready. However, I really think it is too early to really expect a true reconciliation on her part. Plus, it will be rare to see a WW (who is still contacting OM) to care about her H's needs. She's still wayward. Just b/c you had a nice little vacation, and the two of you had "normal" evenings together…...doesn't mean a thing. Nothing has changed in her. Even if the A ends, it doesn't mean your M is automatically fixed or saved. Many times, the WW will move on to OM#2. I don't think your W will approach you with a humble heart, wanting to atone for the pain she's caused. Instead, I think she'll hold out for separate sleeping arrangements; more personal space/time; playing "happy couple/family" when it's convenient for her; and basically continue to benefit from being legally M to you. But, that's JMHO. My point here is that your WW has not changed. I believe it's like a process the WW has to go through to recover from that wayward mindset and behavior. She needs a supervised plan. (But don't tell her she needs a supervised plan!) Don't go repeating to her what has been stated to you,

Whenever you are talking to your WW. Don't tell her you need to see certain emotions in her. WW's have been known to be great actresses. So, don't tell her you need to see remorse or humility. Here's the thing, if and when she gets serious about saving her M...….then you will see her anguish, remorse, etc.

Don't take her back too quickly. She needs to work for her position as a W to you. Understand my wording here. She doesn't "want" to work to get you back....but she needs to do it. She has a lot to process and overcome.

I hope I didn't butcher this post too badly. I actually got off into more stuff and decided it would probably be more confusing than helpful, so I deleted it. That's my problem, trying to cover too much at once.

[Ready2Change]

This interaction with W is just a learning experience. Here is my 2 cents:

I explained....Explaining..... I went on to tell....... I explained......adding that..... I explained...but pointed out that ...I don't know if I handled any of it correctly, but I was able to voice my needs...something I struggle with at times (NGS!).

I always believe less is more.

Wife had a meltdown last night. She came to me and asked "how are we?".

H:Long pause looking her dead in the eyes, then "I am not sure." Then shut up, maintain eye contact until she breaks eye contact.

She said she was feeling better about things and reminded me that she had ended the affair. I calmly validated her feeling better...but I did tell her that I don't believe she has fully ended the affair.

Better is:
"I don't believe you" Then shut up, maintain eye contact until she breaks eye contact.


As far as remorse, I believe that is what you are LOOKING FOR, not what you should be telling her you are looking for. Do the police put up a sign that says they have a speed trap 1 mile up the road?

[job]

Please start a new thread. You have reached the 100 posting/reply limit. Also, please link your two threads together. Thanks!



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