M, are you going to join the chats in "Surviving The Big D?" Sometimes I peek over there and feel jealous at how much fun they are having and how active their conversations are!
I posted in the last two week about how I've occasionally had pangs of wondering how it would have been if things had turned out differently. I have a friend that has never been married, never even had a steady gf. He is in his late 50s and does whatever he wants. Goes wherever he wants. Buys whatever he wants. I look at that and wonder if I did the right thing in fighting to hard to save my MR. I am happy, but could I have been happier?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
What a great update! It is good to hear that you are in such a strong place that you feel comfortable moving forward with the D. You have been an inspiration to me and many others throughout this process. I know that when I first came on here, I would have considered such a result a failure, but through your wisdom and advice I learned that success is predicated on the progress you make on yourself, not on anything external. You have certainly put in the work, both in taking stock of yourself and making improvements, but also in reaching out and helping others see the path forward.
I'm glad to hear that you are readying yourself to get out there and date again. It's a whole different world from the last time we were out there, and we carry the hard-earned wisdom from this process with us. I have little doubt that you will enjoy success in the dating world. I do look forward to hearing your perspective on that process.
It's also great that you are healing and nearly ready to climb again. Between a minor illness, oral surgery, holidays, and some dating, I have struggled to keep up with my climbing routine over the past two weeks. When I finally made it back to the gym on Sunday it was such an enjoyable experience. It felt so good to be back. I'm sure it will be even sweeter for you given the length of your layoff!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I don't see any change in course from W. She had the opportunity to talk to me when I put the separation agreement process in action, but I got nothing from her.
That may still come later, but you probably won't be open to it by then. My ex has just now started reaching out in unexpected ways (don't know if you saw my post elsewhere but she invited me to her mom's for Thanksgiving) but honestly, the old feelings are gone. I still love her and care about her as the mother of my kids and someone I spent many years with, but I can 100% say ILYBINILWY about her. I look at her and I don't see my "wife" anymore. For the longest time I thought this was a temporary thing, call it MLC or whatever, and that my old familiar wife would return, but now I'm convinced she's gone for good. The person she is now has radically different likes/dislikes/memories/attitudes. I'm not saying she is better or worse, just very, very different. The odd thing is I get the sense that the "new" her may be interested in me as more than friends, but I don't share the interest.
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I am done and wanting to close this chapter from a legal point of view. We've been living like we're D for the last 18 months and this is just putting a fine point on it.
I can relate to that, you probably remember me saying that I was the one that ended up pushing the D through. At some point the limbo becomes intolerable and you just want to end it and move on.
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I have decided to start dating in 2019, with or without D papers finalized. D is just a procedural thing now.
Be ready to put your newfound patience to the test, LOL!
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In the mean time, I have lost 20 pounds over the last 12 weeks and my knee is close to being fully healed. I should be able to start working out fully and climbing by early February. I am super excited.
It's good to read your update. It's sad on one hand that your wife's inaction has led you to this point but on the other hand it must be such a relief knowing you can soon move on with your life. It sounds like someone such as yourself will do great in dating and I'm sure some lucky lady will be more than happy to have you!
Thanks everyone for your comments! Yeh, it's been a long road and I am in a really good place.
Ovr I totally understand your take on divorce and I am not here to change anyone's mind about that approach. Let me just elaborate a bit on my path to give some clarity. I did not want a D when BD happened. Heck, I came here instead of rushing to a lawyer because I wanted to save my M. What I have learned through my BD journey is what I need from a partner, and what I settled for in my M. What I need from a partner is not something W can give me - it is just not who she is. When BD happened, i wanted to take a route of working through the muck to build a solid foundation and maybe save the M. Unfortunately, she didn't want to. There's nothing you can do about that. It would take a while for W to address her issues, and I would've held her hand to support her through her journey and she would have done the same for me - that is building something together and being better people for ourselves and each other. She not only didn't change her stance and work on herself, I see that she is emotionally and mentally in a similar place as BD minus the visible anger. One thing that I have learned so vividly throughout all of this is that life is so short. I don't know when my number will be up, and I don't want to waste any of it. W had so many opportunities to change course but didn't. Now I am not willing to spend years trying to repair something that may never be able to get fixed because what I want from a partner is fundamentally different from W. i don't want to live a life of acceptance, when I know that I can live a life of fulfillment and joy. So, that requires the D process to happen so I can mentally close this chapter and continue living my life and being the best me.
J dawg Yeh man I totally feel you. I wish I was stronger and would've brought up the issues years back instead of shutting down and just accepting life the way it was. As much as I see my faults, I have also learned to be compassionate to my old self. I was given a $hit hand by life and the barrage of turds never stopped coming. I was, and still am, resilient and survived through all of it, but not intact and strong. I got beat down and accepted that it was okay to get up and sit in the corner rather than get up and fight the next round. I am not that person anymore and I am better for that. My kids are doing well and my relationship with them has never been stronger. We will see the long term effects of this, but I am going to do everything I can to help them be well adjusted individuals with a support system.
Steve Thanks man! Appreciate the kind words and yes life is onwards upwards and full of joy, laughter, and love.
Blu Thanks for the positive reminder and reinforcement. I know I am here because of me. This community has been an incredible support system, but you can take all the sage wisdom from people and never apply it, and so never actually get yourself out of the muck. I know that when I rest my head, it is me and my mind and that I have to put in the work. No one else is going to do it for me. I was always somewhat proud of my resilience, but now I know that not only am I resilient, I can go up against the hurt and pain and come out improved rather than shutting down. I do pop by 'surviving the D' section often and I will get over there once I am done with the D. They do have a lot more fun
Kiro Good luck in your journey!
Davide Man, you are too kind and generous. I am heartened to know that my journey has been insightful and useful to you. Yeh, i have been a bit apprehensive about the dating world, but my confidence has been building for a while and I feel so completely ready to get out there and date. So, 2019 will be an interesting year. I can't wait to get back on the wall soon, hopefully 4-6 weeks. The injury made me slow down and I see it as a blessing because I was able to go deeper in my inward journey and heal my emotional scars. Best of luck in your path as well. Even if I don't comment often, I am reading your journey and it's wonderful to see where you're at. You've been putting in the work too and it shows.
AS I just don't have any words to tell you how instrumental you've been in my path of rediscovery. There may be one day when my W will want something again with me, but like you said, my cup is completely empty for her outside of her being a mother to my children. Yes, patience in the dating world will be a good place to test my new found skills. Always appreciate you stopping by, even if it's a 2x4.
Nicole Yeh, it's definitely a relief because i know that I am not hanging to a nostalgic view of my past and the M. I really see it for what it was and even though there was a lot of beauty to it, it wasn't what it could've been. I have taken my accountability of how I contributed to that and worked through my problems. I kept the door open, explicitly for W, but she never came. So, I am good with my decision because I know that I tried and stood strong. Once you stop looking at the past through colored glasses, the motivation to still stand became unreasonable to me because I was now not respecting and loving myself. I know the D sounds rough, but I am doing it out of pure love for myself because I know that only by doing that will I be a better person for myself and my kids. I have completely let go of W and any expectations from her. I want her to go on her own path and find her truths and do something with them. I just can't be the person that unpacks that with her. I do wish her the best and hope she finds what she's looking for. Releasing the other person from your expectations and accepting that they have their path to follow is truly liberating.
Nef Mad love and hugs to you too bro. Espero que todo bien contigo y disfrutando esa vida que es maraviollasa.
For all the LBS who got BD'd in 2018 and looking towards the horizon at 2019 and how they will be charging forward, let me offer some words of perspective.
I remember Dec 2017, six months post BD, looking towards 2018 and vowing to make transformations and make 2018 a momentous year for me. I have to say upon reflection, that life decided to kick me hard in the arse to make sure that I was not making surface level changes, but going deeper and doing the hard internal work. All my physical health goals didn't come to fruition due to injuries I sustained in early summer, but that allowed me to take the time to really work hard at understanding myself and open my focus.
I am a helluva better parent, co-worker, and person because of it. So, make your plans for 2019, but create the space for flexibility that not all things will go to plan and be adaptable and flexible, and keep your mindset right.
All the best to everyone! I know people are hurting and I was too a year ago. But against all of that, I have come out to the other side stronger, more grounded, self-aware, and understanding myself at a level I have never before. It will happen for you too - just put in the work and be kind and compassionate towards yourself.
I also want to express my immense gratitude to this community. I wouldn't have made it down this road without all of you. Thank you!
Here's to 2019 - may it be a year of personal reclamation, joy, useful pain to propel growth, emotional fitness, and clarity.
Maika you have been such great support to so many of us here. Like you say the year of BD and time following that is something most of us will never forget as long as we live. Most of our spouses cut and ran instead of standing up for family and values. At least our burden is not as great as theirs to carry. What happens to you maybe fate but what we make of it is our destiny. You can proudly say you have truly changed for the better, stood your grounds and behaved based on your value system and are a great father for your kids. Lots of love to you and the kids, happy holidays and merry Christmas
I'm not officially divorced yet but we're filing for D very soon.